Category: Meditation

September 23, 2018

Interested in starting a mindfulness practice? To help get you started, we’ve put together a list of 6 common meditation practices with some associated benefits for you to see which type (or types) may be a good fit for your needs. Take your time, a mindfulness practice is deeply personal – and often one-size does not fit all! 

It’s common for people who are new to mindfulness practices to view meditation as a single, uniform practice: sit in silence, focus on breathing, and close your mind off to distractions.

In reality, meditation is far more diverse and should be considered an umbrella term, just as ‘sports’ is an umbrella term that encompasses many types of physical activity, each with their own individual benefits. For example, golf improves coordination and spatial awareness, whereas swimming improves overall aerobic fitness.

Likewise, MRI scans have shown that different types of meditation have a different impact on the brain. For example, mindfulness meditation has a the ability to increase thickness in the prefrontal cortex and parietal lobes, which is linked to attentional control, whereas compassion-based meditation has the potential to increase thickness in the limbic system and anterior insula, which process emotions and promote emotional awareness. [1]

 

Just as all sports are not suited to everyone, people tend to gravitate to one form of meditation the most. The key to figuring out which meditation suits you best is based on the benefits you’re seeking, how it fits your lifestyle, and personal preference through trial and error.

1. Mindfulness Meditation

There is often a lot of confusion around the terms “mindfulness” and “meditation” as they are often used as synonyms.  Though there are many thoughts on the matter, an easy way to differentiate between the terms is by understanding that mindfulness is a form of meditation.  According to Lodro Rinzler, a meditation author and teacher, as well as founder of MNDFL, the practice of meditation predates the idea of mindfulness. He goes on to note that mindfulness is often aligned with the “time of the Buddha,” in which the Buddha discovered that focusing entirely on his breath would allow him to see reality and reach meditation more quickly.

Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment; it encourages awareness of existing surroundings and awareness of thoughts without judgment. This is a theme that is common to most types of meditation, such as the ones outlined in this article.

Research has found that mindfulness can: [2]

• Improve memory
• Improve focus
• Improve relationship satisfaction
• Reduce stress
• Reduce anxiety levels
• Reduce negative emotions
• Strengthen emotional control and resilience

Mindfulness meditation encourages you to observe wandering thoughts as they drift through the mind. The goal is to not get attached or preoccupied to the thoughts that come to your mind, but to allow them to float by, making a mental note… without judgement.

Through mindfulness meditation, you can see how your thoughts and feelings tend to move in particular patterns and become more aware of how they affect you.  In many circumstances, people practice a combination of focused attention meditation and mindfulness meditation – using a single object of focus to help amplify the mindful watching.

2. Focused Attention Meditation 

This is the easiest form of meditation for beginners, especially when compared to more traditional forms of meditation. It involves concentrating on a specific object, sound or stimulus as a way of staying in the present moment, as opposed to trying to clear your mind without a single point of focus.

Your object of focus could be the smell of incense, listening to soothing music, staring at a candle flame, or simply focusing your own breath; the goal is not to think about the stimulus, but rather allow yourself to fully experience the sensation it provides. As a form of mindfulness meditation, the main benefits include reduced anxiety, improved concentration and greater emotional flexibility. [2]

Breath awareness is the most popular stimulus, in which you only focus on breathing and ignore other thoughts that enter the mind. The greatest benefit of this method is that it requires no prior training; all that is needed is a quiet spot at home, and a few minutes to focus on your own breathing.

To facilitate this process, you can use a tool like Muse the brain sensing headband, which provides real-time feedback on your mental activity through the guiding sounds of weather to help you keep focus on your breath.

3. Progressive Muscle Relaxation (Body Scan)

This is a mindful meditation technique – that can be guided or unguided – that encourages people to scan their bodies for areas of tension, notice it, and then release it.

The process begins at one end of the body – for example, the feet – where you can either choose to tense and then relax those muscles, or simply notice the tension in those muscles and then release it.  Progressive muscle relaxation encourages deep relaxation and calmness, is often used by people to help them sleep, and may even be useful for chronic pain. [3]

 

You can find a variety of free resources that offer guided body scan exercises like this Youtube video:

4. Moving Meditation

Although meditation is typically associated with stillness, movement can also help promote a shift of consciousness. Moving meditation involves entering a meditative state while doing simple movements, such as the practice of yoga, or spiritually inspired martial arts such as tai chi or qigong.

However, moving meditation is not relegated to these few practices. Moving meditation can also take the form of walking, dancing or Sufi whirling – whichever movement or rhythm helps clear the mind and enter a meditative state.

The benefits of moving meditation are also well documented in research, and vary based on the type of moving meditation being practiced. For example, a study conducted on healthy seniors in Shanghai revealed that tai chi can delay the onset of dementia, increase brain size and improve memory. [4]

Multiple studies on yoga have also shown that its benefits extend beyond relaxation – it can boost immunity, improve sexual performance, ease migraines and reduce insomnia. [5]

 

5. Loving-Kindness Meditation (Metta Meditation)

The goal of this meditation is to cultivate an attitude of loving kindness towards everything – including sources of stress such as work, bad relationships and negative memories.

This is done by sending messages of loving kindness out to the world, and to specific people and situations. This is repeated until you feel you have achieved the attitude of loving kindness, and are no longer holding onto negative feelings.

This type of meditation is particularly helpful for people who may be dealing with difficult interpersonal conflicts or stressful situations, and are dealing with feelings of anger, resentment or frustration.

Research has shown loving kindness meditation can increase positive emotions [6], and may be a useful tool to reduce depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress.

 

6. Mantra Meditation

This form of meditation centres around a mantra, which is a word or phrase that is recited or listened to during meditation, such as ‘Om’. The mantra can be both spiritual or secular in nature based on the individual.

To understand why a mantra is used, it’s useful to understand the definition of the word mantra. Mantra is a Sanskrit word that is derived from two roots: man (meaning, ‘mind’, or ‘to think’) and trai (meaning ‘to protect’ or ‘free from’, or ‘tool’). Therefore, a mantra is a tool that is used to help free and protect the mind.

Mantras are considered a powerful tool due to their unique sound quality or vibration, their ability to evoke moods, thoughts and emotions, and as a useful way to override mental speech, which is the predominant form of thinking for most people.

Mantra meditation involves going through the following chronological process:

• Verbal recitation
• Whispering recitation
• Mental recitation
• Spontaneous listening (the mantra continues to recite itself in your mind)

Mantras can be combined with visualization, and variables can be altered such as speed or volume of recitation as well.  

What Meditation Style Is Right For You?

If you are just getting started, the focused attention model is an ideal starting point, as it is simple, free to do and has well-researched benefits such as improved focus and memory, stress reduction and better emotional control.

Progressive muscle relaxation can be considered for sleep problems and chronic pain, and loving-kindness meditation can be considered for anyone suffering from intense feelings of anger, resentment or frustration. Mantra meditation is also an excellent option for deepening your practice, but one that may require guidance from a practitioner to get started.

At the end of the day the best way to figure out which type of practice is best for your individual needs is through trial and error.

 

 

SOURCES
[1] Valk, S., Bernhardt, B., Trautwein, F., Böckler, A., Kanske, P., Guizard, N., Collins, D. and Singer, T. (2017). Structural plasticity of the social brain: Differential change after socio-affective and cognitive mental training. Science Advances, 3(10), p.e1700489.
[2] Hayes, J. and Davis, D. (2018). What are the benefits of mindfulness?. [online] http://www.apa.org. Available at: http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/07-08/ce-corner.aspx [Accessed 4 Jul. 2018].
[3] Coppieters, I., Cagnie, B., Nijs, J., Van Oosterwijck, J., Danneels, L., De Pauw, R., & Meeus, M. (2016). Effects of stress and relaxation on central pain modulation in chronic whiplash and fibromyalgia patients compared to healthy controls. PAIN PHYSICIAN, 19(3), 119–130.
[4] Mortimer, J., Ding, D., Borenstein, A., DeCarli, C., Guo, Q., Wu, Y., Zhao, Q. and Chu, S. (2012). Changes in Brain Volume and Cognition in a Randomized Trial of Exercise and Social Interaction in a Community-Based Sample of Non-Demented Chinese Elders. Journal of Alzheimer’s Disease, 30(4), pp.757-766.
[5] Domonell, K. (2018). 5 Surprising Health Benefits Of Yoga. [online] HuffPost. Available at: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/12/yoga-health-benefits_n_4768746.html [Accessed 4 Jul. 2018].
[6] Zeng, X., Chiu, C., Wang, R., Oei, T. and Leung, F. (2015). The effect of loving-kindness meditation on positive emotions: a meta-analytic review. Frontiers in Psychology, 6.

Let’s face it. Starting your own business from scratch is not for he faint of heart. Business owners experience decision fatigue before noon most days and never feel like there are enough hours in the day. There’s always more to be done, and you’re likely the only one who can do it.

I know the feeling all too well.

After years of 70-hour work weeks in the advertising industry, I had to call it quits. I was mentally and physically destroyed from the constant urgency around every little task — none of which actually mattered in the real world —  and was left with almost no energy to figure out what to do next. I needed a break, but I also needed a paycheck, so I turned to meditation.

I had learned the TM technique 5 years prior but I allowed work to take over anyway. When I decided I’d spent enough nights and weekends in the office doing work that drained me,  one benefit of my meditation was it allowed me to process my career experience – why I’d stayed so long, what I had learned, what I liked and disliked about the work – while also creating the space to think about what to do next. TM gave me the rest that I needed so desperately, insight into my deepest desires, and the confidence I needed to start over as an entrepreneur.

Fast forward two years later, and I’m still working 60-70 hours a week with the same sense of urgency in my tasks (my business rests on my shoulders!), but I feel completely different. I credit nutrition and movement as significant contributors to my overall health and happiness, but I wouldn’t have been able to be as efficient and effective in my business without meditation.

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Find a TM teacher near you here.

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There are many aspects of the technique that I benefit from in my daily practice. I feel clear, alert and able to process events more logically and calmly. I have sustained energy throughout the day and sleep deeply every night. I am more creative, I feel more connected to other living creatures, and appreciate the beauty around me. While I could write a book about each individual benefit, the most extraordinary change I experienced as I shifted into working for myself is the
abundance of time.

Whether I’m just well-rested and more alert or able to focus my energy on what matters most, I rarely feel like I’m racing against the clock. Sure, there are days when I could use an extra few hours because I’m excited about the work I’m doing and don’t want to stop (like tonight as I write this post), but I almost never feel like I have to sacrifice my relationships, hobbies, or sleep for tasks that need to get done. When time does not constrain me, I am free to fill my life with the things that bring me the most joy.

Kat Maund grew up in Augusta, Georgia, and went on to attend college at Champlain College in Burlington, VT where she majored in Marketing. After graduating, she worked as a strategist at advertising agencies such as Instrument and Wieden & Kennedy, as well as the clothing brand Wildfang, before pursuing her passion and starting a home staging / interior design business COPELAND + CO.

What do you want from life? Once our survival needs are met we just want to be happy right? That’s what we focus our efforts and our sights on.

But what if your beliefs – your unconscious assumptions – about where happiness comes from are incorrect? What if they’re the very thing that are keeping you from it? And what if these false beliefs about where happiness comes from are the very thing that’s keeping you, and probably everyone you know, locked into constant cycles of stress, struggle, dissatisfaction and suffering?

And consider this. It’s a very, very busy world we live in these days…and isn’t this what we’re all so busy doing all the doing for? Trying to get to happiness? Isn’t this what we’re running around, exhausting ourselves, over consuming and burning ourselves out trying to achieve?

It’s a strange thing to ponder – that we’re stressing ourselves out chasing happiness…and all the while the research shows we are getting sadder, sicker and also acting, as a species, in ways that are causing quite serious harm to the planet we live on – threatening our very existence.

There is something very wrong with this picture!

I have spent the last two decades of my life studying the art of fulfilment. In this post I am going to share with you possibly the most important distinction I have ever made in my years of study. This understanding about happiness got me unstuck from constant cycles of seeking, searching striving and suffering and gave me a deeper sense of meaning and purpose than I would have ever thought possible in the past.

Chasing Happiness and The Global Mental Health Crisis

Much of the world is now experiencing a higher standard of living than the kings and pharaohs of days gone by. We have access to an incredible array of food, services and conveniences at the drop of a hat (in some places you can order something like a TV on Amazon and have it to your door within a couple of hours!). We have better health care, better housing (full of machines that do much of the work for us), more freedom of choice and abundant lifestyles.

Consider the fact that you can go to the cinema and see a film that a huge team of people spent millions of dollars making and creating for an entire year. You can spend $20 to see it in 90 minutes! (ok more like 2 and a half hours these days).

But are we getting what we really want?

Are we happier?

According to the research we are not. We are getting sadder, lonelier and more stressed.

Depression, in fact, according to the World Health Organisation is now the leading cause of disability worldwide (1). Over the past decade it has grown from being a global epidemic to now being a pandemic. In any given week, one tenth of the American adult population is suffering from depression, with one in four of us globally now expected to experience depression at some stage during our lives. Over 800,000 of those people each year will commit suicide (1).

Now, with the birth of the information age it seems that even though we’re not getting happier we are certainly getting busier. The world has sped up its pace more and more with each passing year. We are more stressed, overwhelmed and busy than ever before-getting all the ‘stuff’ done…running at breakneck speed without stopping to catch our breath and ask the exceedingly important question –‘what are we doing all the doing for?’ Is it happiness we’re chasing? If so, are we pausing long enough to notice whether we’re getting what we want?

Arianna Huffington, the founder of Huffington Post speaks often in public about how she got busier and busier and busier until she finally collapsed on the floor one day after working long hours several days in a row. She speaks about how she woke up in a pool of her own blood, with a broken jaw, exhausted and depleted –and finally realised the insanity of the life she was living (2).

This may be an extreme example but many of us are still collapsing under the weight of our own doing, striving and business. Our health, relationships and wellbeing suffers and our quality of life suffers. We as a species seem to have lost touch with ourselves – lost touch with our ability to listen to our bodies, minds and hearts even when they are screaming at us to slow down and stop.

A study by the American Psychological Association found that 75% people reported feeling moderate to high levels of stress consistently throughout their last month (3). 

Rates of obesity, alcoholism and other addictions (especially to technology) have also risen as many of us try to find a way to ‘take the edge off’ and fill in all the spaces of our lives. Think about the people you know. Virtually everybody in this modern world knows somebody who takes tranquilisers to get through the night and/or alcohol, medication or drugs to get through the day.

The Misunderstanding That Keeps Us Stuck 

It is my observation that the way we use the word happiness in our culture is not nuanced enough. In fact we often use the word happiness to describe two different things and this causes confusion about how to get what it is that we’re truly aiming for.

I believe that one of the reasons why so many of us become lost in stress, struggle, drudgery and dissatisfaction is because we haven’t identified clearly what it is that we most want and we don’t understand the causes and conditions that bring it about. Because of that we often create suffering as we strive harder and harder towards ‘happiness’.

Two Kinds of Happiness

Pleasure
Sometimes we use the word ‘happiness’ to describe what I would say could more accurately be called pleasure.

Pleasure is when we feel a pleasant sensation or emotion, or perhaps we get a feeling of gratification or satisfaction when we get something we wanted.

Everyone enjoys pleasure so it’s no surprise that we spend a lot of our time seeking it, chasing it and trying to hold onto it. No matter how hard we chase pleasure though and no matter what strategies we try to keep it in place, it will slip away and change every time. Pleasure, like all feelings, is fleeting. It’s of the nature to change and then slip away no matter how hard you try to hold on. Pleasure will naturally come and go in the journey of a life….but is that what you most long for?

Fulfilment
The other way we use the word happiness is to point to what I would call fulfilment.

Fulfilment refers to feeling whole, deeply satisfied and profoundly alive.

This is not just a just a fleeting feeling. It’s a background sense of ease and aliveness that sinks into your bones and takes up residence inside you like warm sunshine. Fulfilment stays with you through the natural ups and downs of a human life. In essence, it is a feeling of being full, enough, whole and deeply connected with life. 

You Can’t Pleasure Your Way to Fulfilment

This distinction between pleasure and fulfilment is the most important distinction I ever made in my life. For many years I was looking for this deeper form of happiness – fulfilment  – in all the wrong places. It’s an easy trap to get caught up in. When you don’t understand the difference between pleasure and fulfilment we often find ourselves caught up in a powerful psychological trap of trying to pleasure our way to fulfilment.

Now we all love to experience pleasure and there is nothing wrong at all with enjoying, savouring and celebrating the pleasures of this world….but it’s vital to know that you can’t pleasure your way to fulfilment. That’s the mistake many of us make that gets us caught up, stressed, constantly struggling and striving for more and all the while still feeling empty inside. 

The Buddha had a name for this trap. He called it Samsara which translates into English as ‘endless wandering’. When we live in Samsara, we constantly search outside ourselves for love, validation, belonging, wholeness – for fulfilment. We are constantly seeking and searching and trying to re-arrange the circumstances of our lives trying to ‘get there’

I love this amazing short animation by Steve Cutts that powerfully illustrates this ‘rat race’ of chasing our fulfilment in all the wrong places.

Getting What You Really Want: The Art Of Fulfilment

I believe that what we all long for most deeply is not pleasure, but fulfilment. We long to feel whole, complete and fully alive.  

Over the past two decades I have discovered that the majority of the world’s wisdom traditions and spiritual teachings carry the same core message, the same two-part blueprint for a profoundly fulfilling human life. A life where we carry fulfilment with us wherever we go at the very centre of our being. A life where we are in touch with, and are an expression of, what is deepest and truest in us. This kind of wholeness is not extracted from, or dependent on, external circumstances and is not touched by the fires and storms of life.

Firstly, to be fulfilled we need to cultivate our capacity to ‘wake up’ to the present moment, which also means waking up more fully to who we are. Although we tend to go looking for fulfilment outside ourselves and in ‘things’, it is actually only ever found right here in this present moment. It’s right under our noses, here and now. Mindfulness is the practice that allows us to wake up.

The latest research from Harvard university (on what makes human being most happy) also concurs with what wise men and women have long been telling us. Matt Killingsworth’s research shows that human beings are at their most ‘happy’ when they’re fully in the present moment. When they’re mindful.

The second part of the blueprint for a fulfilling life is to live in integrity to your own deepest nature. A more simple way to say this is to live your values.

We all have values – they are as much a part of us as our blood types or our genetic makeup. They are as unique to us as our individual thumbprints. Our core values determine what’s really important and meaningful to us.

Values are who you are in your own deepest nature, not who you think you should be in order to fit in. They’re like a compass that points us to our “true north.”

When the way you think, speak and behave match your values, life feels very good, your actions feel right to you– you feel in your power. But when these don’t align with your values, then things feel… just wrong. Life feels uneasy. You feel out of touch, discontented, restless, out of integrity (with yourself).

So here is the takeaway message I’d like to leave you with today…

You do not find fulfilment by rearranging the circumstances of your life. You find it by being in touch with who you are at the deepest level and being an expression of that in the world.

You can take these two steps towards cultivating fulfilment today

1) Start to practice mindfulness. You can start with just a few minutes per day. By doing so you will learn to slow down, tune into yourself and touch the deeper dimensions of you are. You develop greater self-awareness and tap into the wellspring of wholeness and peace at the very centre of yourself. The more you practice, the more that sense of fulfilment will gradually flow into your life. You can find a starter guide to mindfulness here.

2) Move closer towards following your own true north. It’s living your values and being your truest self that brings you much more joy then ‘getting stuff and doing stuff’. Here is a three-part series on how to discover and live your values if you need a little guidance with this.

I hope you’ve found this post helpful. If you have questions or comments please feel free to put them in the comments section below. I love hearing from you : )

 

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(1) WHO: Depression
(2) Arianna Huffington: Thrive
(3) American Psychological Association: The State of Our Nation

Do you ever call yourself names like ‘idiot or ‘loser’? Do you ever berate yourself for your mistakes in your head over and over again? Ever push your body and mind way past the point of tired and hungry, till you’re almost about to collapse in a heap? If so, you’re not alone. Harsh self-talk and the subtle aggression of pushing ourselves through is pretty common.

It’s worth knowing though, that a mean or critical inner dialogue or attitude towards ourselves can create a lot of tension, anxiety and heartache. We also often experience feelings of unworthiness when we ‘beat ourselves up’ or put ourselves down. We get sick, depleted and tired when we push ourselves too hard.

Many people believe that if they don’t crack the whip with a harsh self-talk they won’t be motivated to make changes and achieve goals but the research (1) shows just the opposite. Self-limiting or destructive thought processes, like the critical inner voice diminish our motivation and initiative whereas self-compassion and kindness increase them.

When we learn to be kinder to ourselves we also become more resilient to challenges and stress, more productive, more able to overcome bad habits and addiction and have better and more fulfilling relationships with others (1)…and it’s just a more joyful and easeful way to live : )

Here are three really simple ways you can start to be kinder to yourself today:

1. Soften The Voice Of The Inner Critic

The way that we often speak inside our own heads can have a harsh or cold tone to it, especially if something has gone wrong or we made a mistake. Start practicing self talk that sounds warm, friendly and kind. Let your inner voice take on the tone of a supportive friend or coach.

If you catch yourself sounding harsh, see if you can take a pause and change the tone back to warm and kind. Say kind and encouraging things to yourself like, “Good on you for giving that a go honey”, “That was a very kind/honest/good thing you did mate”, “Hey, it’s all ok”. If you don’t find terms of endearment like ‘honey’ or ‘mate’ useful then of course just drop them.

When you’re having a hard time, try using the kind of tone of voice that you would use to speak to a loved one who is hurting. Say soothing words to yourself. Things like, “It’s ok, everyone makes mistakes sometimes. You’re human”, “Take it easy darling”, “Oh this is a tricky moment. May I be kind to myself in this tough time”.

2. Do Things That Nourish You
(Can You Do At Least One Today?)

What are the things that nourish you in your life? Nourishing things are the things that recharge the batteries, relax and rejuvenate you. The things that light you up, bring you joy and feed the soul. Some examples of nourishing things are yoga, surfing, going for a walk, having a cup of tea in the sun, gardening, painting or other hobbies, spending time with a pet or loved one, meditation, reading a book, or simply taking a break to cloud watch or take a nap.

So often we get caught up in the headlong rush of daily life and we don’t make time to just enjoy ourselves and restore our energy. What can you do today, this week, this month to nourish yourself?

It could be as simple as taking a 15 minute break to have a cup of tea today, going for a walk in the park or carving out some time each week for that hobby you love.

The invitation here is instead of always pushing yourself, can you make time to care for yourself and enjoy yourself? Yes, you deserve it.

3. Take a Self-Compassion Break

We all have moments of pain and distress. When the demands of our lives stretch us to our limits, when we feel grief, heartbreak or we are overcome with anxiety, depression or hopelessness – and we struggle or fight against ourselves and our feelings, it’s like drowning in quicksand. We only add more suffering to an already difficult moment.

This is when we need kindness towards ourselves the most. Here’s the kinder way through. It’s called a self-compassion break and it can be done in four simple steps that can take under a minute once you’re familiar with it.

When you have a situation in your life that is challenging, painful or causing you distress, take a pause for a moment. Tune into your body and see if you can locate, and feel into, where you feel the physical sensations of the emotion in your body.

STEP 1) Is to bring mindful acceptance to what is happening. By doing this we can begin to let go of hardening against, and struggling with, what is happening.

So step one is to say to yourself either out loud or mentally:

“This is a moment of suffering”

STEP 2) Is about realising our common humanity and normalising the experience of having difficult feelings (we all do sometimes). There is no need for us to feel so alone in our experience or feel guilty or ashamed of what is a normal part of being human.

In this step say to yourself either out loud or mentally:

“Suffering is a part of life. I am not alone in this”

STEP 3) Is about offering yourself compassion and soothing. This is a difficult moment so here we bring kindness into the midst of our pain.

First, place your hands over your heart as a gesture of self-compassion, or if there is another gesture that feels right for you, do that instead.

Then saying to yourself the third phrase:

“May I be kind to myself”

STEP 4) This is an optional extra step. Here you can also ask yourself, “What do I need right now to express kindness to myself?” Are there words that you could speak to yourself like “May I accept myself just as I am” or “may I be patient” or “may I slow down a little and breathe”.

Or is there anything you could do in your particular situation that could nourish you and comfort you? An action step such as such as:

Taking a warm bath, going for a walk in nature, meditating, calling a friend for support etc

Through cultivating this kind of mindful self-compassion we can find connection, softness and soothing when we’re hurting. We bring kindness to ourselves when we need it the most.

If you’d like to try a guided meditation of the self-compassion break press play on the audio below.

What do you do to cultivate a kinder relationship with yourself? I’d love you to share your wisdom with us in the comments section below : )

Warmly, Melli

Self-Compassion Meditation

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(1) Self-Compassion – The Research – Dr Kristin Neff

Here is a typical start to the day that I know so many people have these days…

Wake up to a buzzing alarm and smack the snooze button a couple of times. Jump out of bed and on autopilot mode, rush to the kitchen to make a coffee. Half drink said coffee. Jump in the shower. Dress while gulping down the now cold coffee and checking your iPhone. Jump in a car or to crowded public transport. Eat some kind of ‘on the go’ breakfast on the way to work and then finally land at the desk or workplace to get stuck into all the tasks for the day…does this sound familiar in any way?

Now you may get a lot of stuff done that day but is it the stuff that matters to you most? Are you living in a way that expresses your values? Are you focusing time on what makes you truly happy, nourishes you, gives your life meaning?

What if you took 5 -10 minutes each morning to pause and contemplate these kinds of questions and set your intention for the days? I believe this one small habit could truly change your life.

By acknowledging what matters most each morning in this way — you cultivate incredible inner strength, clarity of purpose and a calm centre so you can meet each day with the very best of who you are.

This kind of connectedness with who you are and what matters most means you can meet any situation from a whole new state of being — waiting in line or being stuck in traffic doesn’t have to be a frustration. It can be an opportunity to express patience and mindfulness. A difficult conversation at work could be a chance for you to be kind but strong. A cup of tea at break time could be a time for gratitude.

It also means we’re less likely to get caught up in busyness and lose touch with what matters the most to us — time with our loved ones, nourishing hobbies and passions, time in nature, rest etc.

Henry David Thoreau, who took time out of his life in mainstream society to live beside Walden Pond has this beautiful quote, “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”

Now we may not have the luxury or the desire to go and leave mainstream life to live in the forest but we can all take a little time out each day for our own ten minutes to contemplate what it means to live our lives deliberately. To support you in doing just that I have created a morning intention setting meditation.

One is a short version for those who are very limited on time in the mornings and the other is a little longer and includes a brief settling meditation so you can cultivate mindfulness as well as connecting to your intentions for the day. You can download them or click below. There is also a written ‘mini’ version of this practice below.

Short Morning Intention Setting Meditation (5 mins) 

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Morning Intention Setting Meditation (12 mins) 

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Why not try this intention setting practice for the next 30 days to see what unfolds? If you do take this little time out each morning I’m sure you’ll find more meaning, purpose, joy and vitality in your days. I’d love to hear how it goes for you in the comments section below and of course feel free to ask questions too : )

With Warmth, Melli

A Mini Version of this Meditation You Could Do Anywhere Any Time

So to begin with settling into a comfortable posture. …..Allowing your eyes to lightly close.

Taking three deep, slow, mindful breaths to settle in.

Here are three questions to contemplate

1) What matters most to you today? (we can so easily get caught up in the momentum of the headlong rush of daily life – find ourselves putting one foot in front of the other…but hey you’ll only live this day once, so what matters most?)

2) What would you like to let go of? Are you holding resentments, regrets, grudges that no longer serve you?

3) Who do you choose to be today? What are the values you choose to express and live today in the world?

Taking three deep, slow, mindful breaths once again before gently opening the eyes.

Mindfulness and the Transcendental Meditation (TM) technique come from different traditions (Buddhist and Vedic, respectively) but more importantly, they have different goals. Though there are many variations of mindfulness, the general goal is to train the mind to stay in the present moment, by deliberately paying attention to thoughts and sensations without judgment. On the other hand, the TM technique (of which there is only one version) is designed to direct your attention inward, beyond thought, and doesn’t involve any focus or concentration.

Donna Rockwell, a clinical psychologist and mindfulness teacher, learned the TM technique recently, and spoke to Bob Roth for his book, Strength in Stillness. She began by describing her first experience with mindfulness:

“When I first got into mindfulness, I went to a teacher who was very involved with Shambhala Meditation. He gave me mindful awareness meditation instructions, and I was supposed to sit there with him for five minutes. Within thirty seconds, I thought my head was going to pop off. I could not do it for the life of me. I saw how type A I was, and I was so disturbed that I had no stillness whatsoever, that I then completely dedicated myself to the practice of meditation.”

“There’s this notion that the mind is a wild horse that is constantly bucking in a very small corral. The goal of mindfulness is to make that corral larger and create a wide-open pasture in which to train the mind to come back to the present moment. After twenty years of practicing mindfulness, I am better trained to be in the here and now because of all my hours and hours and weekends and days of just sitting in one spot and looking at a dot on the floor. I am better able to activate my brain’s prefrontal cortex and have an awareness that I am having amygdala stimulation.”

One of the most frequent comments from new TM meditators is how easy it is. Rockwell expressed the same thing, likening her mindfulness practice to “boot camp,” while calling the TM technique “a completely different thing.”

“While I think mindfulness is ‘mind training,’ TM is more like taking the mind to an amazing spa. From the very first time, it felt like my brain was settling into a nice warm bath. My brain calms down and gets back to a state of homeostasis. And then after twenty minutes, I return to my life with greater peace and wellbeing.”

Rockwell also noted the difference between mindfulness retreats and TM practice, “When you go on a mindfulness retreat, you sit for forty minutes; then you walk for ten, more or less; you sit for another forty minutes; you walk for ten; you sit for forty minutes; you get up again—all the while becoming aware of wandering thoughts and coming back to the present moment. Like I said: boot camp.”

 

By contrast, Rockwell continues, “TM says, ‘You’ve worked so hard all these years to be a more enlightened person. Now here’s a meditation practice where you can simply sit for twenty minutes and become naturally refreshed by allowing the mind to settle down.’ Yes, you think the mantra but you don’t have to strain about it. Your mind goes where it wants to go, towards something more satisfying. Then, after TM’s twenty-minute mental spa treatment, I return to my day revitalized and ready for what awaits.”

Quotes reprinted from Strength in Stillness: The Power of Transcendental Meditation by Bob Roth. © 2018 by David Lynch Foundation for Consciousness-Based Education and World Peace and published by Simon & Schuster. All rights reserved.

Zulmaury Saavedra Alex Bertha

Do you ever struggle with negative thinking? If you have a harsh inner critic or get caught in worry, stress, anxiety, depression or wrestle with low self-worth, then you know some of the symptoms first hand.

Negative (unhelpful) thinking patterns can have a strong and sometimes devastating impact on our relationships, our health, our work… our lives.

With the four keys listed below, and a little practice, I believe anyone can break free of negativity for good. Why do I believe that? Because if I can do it (and I have) from the dark place I used to be in, then I trust these tools will work for you too—no matter where you’re at.

INEFFECTIVE WAYS PEOPLE TRY TO STOP NEGATIVE THINKING

People often try many different ways to get rid of their negative thoughts, including distractions, diversions or ‘drowning their sorrows’ only to later mentally beat themselves up for being still stuck in their negativity. It can feel like a real internal battle. These are common strategies that attempt to stop the thoughts and numb the pain in the short term but they only make things worse in the long term. It doesn’t fix the problem at its core.

The research shows that struggling with, arguing with, trying to drown out or push away unhelpful thoughts only amplifies them and makes things worse (1).

If you are struggling with negative thinking, I can tell you from my own experience that it is possible to turn things around, cultivate inner peace, and live a rich, meaningful and fulfilling life. Read on to find out how. But first a little bit about my story.

MY STORY

I went from being a bulimic, self-hating and disillusioned person to ‘waking up’ out of the negativity that plagued me and into a sense of inner freedom, ease and wholeness I could never have imagined in my darkest days. It’s like the mind-prison that I was caged in has now become a warm, cosy and friendly home in which to dwell. My mind is a place of rest, comfort and ease.

I now spend my life teaching other people the skills and tools that turned my life around. They have worked for me and hundreds of others—and they can work for you too, if you will give it a try.

Once you understand what causes negative thinking and integrate the skills to work with your mind in new ways, you can transform your life from the inside out.

One thing before you read on: it’s important to note that if you’re looking for a quick fix this is not what I have to offer you here. This is going to take a little practice and persistence on your part, but I have a little toolkit of meditations and skills below to support and guide you along the way (and retreats if you’re ready to take the leap).

The Four Keys all work together to create mental resilience and a calm, clear mind.

KEY ONE: RECOGNISE & STEP BACK FROM NEGATIVE THOUGHT PATTERNS

Negative thought patterns are repetitive, unhelpful thoughts. They directly cause what we could describe as ‘negative’ (unwanted or unpleasant) emotions like anxiety, depression, stress, fear, unworthiness, shame etc.

Once we learn to recognise and identify negative thought patterns as they occur, we can start to step back from them. This process of stepping back from thoughts is called ‘cognitive defusion.’ In cognitive defusion we learn to see the thoughts in our head as simply that—just thoughts. Not reality. You see when we are fused with our thoughts (cognitive fusion) we tend to take our thoughts very, very seriously. We believe them. We buy into them and we obey them. We play them out.

When we are not fused with our thoughts—when we can step back into cognitive defusion, then we do not take our thoughts too seriously. We hold them lightly. We only listen to them if we find them valuable or helpful. We certainly don’t take our thoughts to be ‘the truth’ and we don’t automatically obey them or play them out. We see our thoughts as simply bits of language that pass through the mind. Mental events if you will, that move through the mind all the time just like the weather passes through the sky. We have a choice in how we choose to respond to them.

The example I like to use often to illustrate the difference between cognitive fusion and cognitive defusion is this…imagine waking up one day and looking out the window and seeing rain. It’s possible that a thought might come into your head that says “what a dreadful day”. Now is it true that the day is dreadful? No, of course not, it is simply raining. However if you believe the thought “what a dreadful day”, in other words if you are stuck in cognitive fusion (literally fused with the thought) then guess what you will probably have? That’s right, you will probably have a dreadful day! In other words if you believe a thought like that, it can generate what we might call negativity.

Below I will teach you a simple and powerful tool to create cognitive defusion (untangling from thoughts) easily and quickly – but first of all, there is something that is important for you to know…

It’s completely normal to have negative thoughts! It’s part of our evolutionary history. There is nothing wrong with you. We all have minds that have evolved to be constantly on the lookout for problems and dangers, so most of us have minds prone to have many negative thoughts.

The problem is not that we have negative thoughts. The problem comes when we believe our thoughts are true. When you are no longer entangled in thoughts they lose their grip on you and lose their power to generate unpleasant emotions.

Let’s go back to the example above. Imagine you’re laying in bed in the morning, you look out the window and you see that it’s raining and once again the thought arises “what a dreadful day”. If you are not fused with the thought (you don’t buy into it) then your experience would be like this. You’re watching the rain falling, then you also watch the thought (as simply a mental event) “what a dreadful day” arise and fall away just like the rain is falling…and since you don’t take it seriously or believe it, it generates no negativity, passes by easily and you’re free to lay there relaxed and at ease, enjoying the pitter patter of the rain on the roof.

As you can see, the ability to recognise unhelpful thinking and step back from it is incredibly liberating! It can change the quality of your whole day and indeed your whole life. It has mine.

It’s important to be able to recognise the kinds of unhelpful thinking styles that can arise, so here are some other negative thinking patterns that are most common. Be on the lookout for them, and below, I’ll show you what to do when they arrive…

ANXIOUS THOUGHTS AND WORRY

“My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened”. ~ Michel de Montaigne

Worry is when the mind projects into an imagined future and conjures up scenes and thoughts about what could go wrong. Here it often creates ‘what if’ scenarios.

Sometimes it takes the form of imagining or expecting that bad things will happen or that nothing good will ever happen for you. You might fret about your health deteriorating, your relationship going downhill, your car breaking down or your career being ruined—even though nothing has actually happened yet.

You might focus on the lack in your life and believe that nothing will ever get better for you. Stress related to your financial future, the welfare of your children or your partner leaving you fit into this category.

CRITICISM AND SELF-BEATING

Do you have a harsh inner critic? Are you always trying to whip yourself into shape, mentally beating yourself up for not being good enough yet? Are you on a perfection mission? Another pattern of negative thought is to constantly criticise and ‘self improve’ because you’re not good enough yet. You may be very harsh on yourself, focusing in on all of your weaknesses and perceived flaws.

Likewise, you may extend this habit of criticism to others in your life. This can be the cause of tremendous strain on relationships. Negative self-talk and self-criticism often results in low self-esteem and a lack of confidence.

One way some people cope with low self-esteem is to compensate for these feelings by attaining status, achievements and recognition. Others may feel completely debilitated by feelings of unworthiness, becoming depressed or even suicidal.

There is nothing wrong with having goals and aiming to get fitter or healthier and the like—we can simply choose to do those because they are good for us or we want to stretch and grow. It’s a very different headspace to be doing those things because we don’t feel like we’re enough yet.

When the mind continuously hones in on what is wrong with yourself (and your life) and disassociates from what is going well and is good, we can become stuck in negativity.

REGRET AND GUILT

Ruminating on mistakes made in the past often creates feelings of shame, guilt and negativity. Feelings of worthlessness may arise when you play over and over in your mind, ‘bad’ choices or ‘wrong’ actions you feel you have made.

There is nothing ‘negative’ per se’ about simply reflecting on past experiences. This is how we can learn, grow and mature as people. Negativity arises when you dwell on a situation repeatedly with no real intention to learn and grow–but instead you are self-beating or wishing things were different instead of being accepting of things as they are.

PROBLEMS

Negative thoughts often revolve around what’s wrong with your life. Your attention becomes fixated on, and exaggerates the so called negative aspects of your life. Here your mind will often downplay what is going well.

For example, you may have a wonderful family, food to eat and shelter, but your car breaks down and it’s all you can think about and focus on all week long. You allow the situation with the car to dominate your thinking and negative emotions arise as a result.

All week you are frustrated, angry and depressed because of the car when your focus could be expanded to what is going well and what you’re grateful for.

The truth is that the car has a problem. It is no longer running and needs to be taken to the mechanic. That’s a simple fact. Ruminating continuously on the situation is not constructive at all and is another way we can get trapped in negativity.

If you have this habit of lamenting over your sorrows and problems you may constantly feel frustrated, anxious, depressed and apathetic. When you’re so absorbed in what’s wrong, you’re unable to notice what’s right.

Looking out for and recognising these common negative thinking patterns when they arise will help you be aware of when to use the tools below to work with them skillfully and break free from their grip.

GETTING UNSTUCK: THE ‘NAME IT TO TAME IT’ TECHNIQUE

People trapped in negative thinking often tell me they feel hopeless because they often wrestle or argue with the thoughts or push them away, but the research shows that trying to struggle with thoughts in these ways just amplifies them (1) as you may have noticed in your own life. What you resist persists.

So how do you move through life in a way that is practical, peaceful and authentic without getting stuck in negative thought patterns?

Here is the first step. It’s a very powerful, simple, tried and tested technique for untangling from thoughts without struggling with them. It’s called the ‘name it to tame it’ technique.

‘Name it to tame it’ is a phrase coined by author and psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegel. Here’s the basics of how ‘name it to tame it’ works:

When an unhelpful thought pattern (and the associated emotion) arises you simply mentally ‘label’ the story. You’ve probably noticed many of our thoughts are repetitive and involve the same story lines. For instance one of my stories often is, “Who am I to be putting myself ‘out there’ teaching mindfulness. Aren’t you supposed to be perfect first!? Have it all totally together?!” I find this story unhelpful so when thoughts come up along that storyline, I simply mentally note to myself, “Ahhhh the ‘who do you think you are’ story is here again” and then I let it go.

By ‘let it go’ I simply mean, I stop giving it all my attention and stop taking it so seriously. I realise it’s just a thought, not reality, then I open my awareness to the world around me again—the birds in the trees, the sounds, the breeze. I get out of my head and into my life (more on this in key two)

As soon as you name the mental story or pattern, you have now stepped back from being caught up in it. In other words you have initiated cognitive defusion. From a neuroscience perspective, when you name the thoughts you stop being hijacked by them from the negativity they create (2) because you bring the smartest part of your brain online (the frontal cortex). The frontal cortex is reflective and helps you step back and get a greater perspective. You can do the same thing with emotions, naming them to tame them like “ahhh anxiety is here” or “oh shame has arrived”.

When naming or labelling your thoughts or emotions, one important tip. Make sure when you mentally label, to do it in a soothing, kind tone of voice. This is important as it helps you to settle and invite compassion and soothing into that moment instead of aggression or struggle. We’re not going to battle with the mind here. We are gently training it into new neural pathways of peace and ease. At a biological level, when you ‘name it to tame it’ in a soothing voice you even get a squirt of soothing neurotransmitters in the brain! This brings feelings of calm and ease and comfort (3).

KEY TWO: COMING TO YOUR SENSES

“Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.” ~ James Thurber

Notice that many negative thoughts mostly flow from two directions. The first is dwelling on the past—maybe you ruminate over mistakes, problems, guilt and anything in your life that’s did not go the way you believe it should have gone. The second is worrying about the future—fear of what may or may not happen for yourself, others or the planet.

This may take the form of stress over whether or not you will achieve certain goals or anxiety about the security of your finances or relationships. Or perhaps you may worry about getting old. Whatever your particular negative thoughts are, notice that in order to engage in negative thought patterns the mind needs to cast its focus mostly into past or future. Either that or we judge and mentally label things in the present moment to be ‘bad’.

When lost in negative thinking we tend to be so engrossed in thoughts that we completely lose touch with what is actually happening in the present moments of our lives. We miss the little pleasures of living each day. The sunlight on your skin, the taste of the food we’re eating, a real connection with someone we love while they are talking. When we’re lost on our heads we lose touch with the world around us….and we lose touch with ourselves.

To become more present, and able to step out of negative thinking, one powerful method is to ‘come to your senses’. To do this simply redirect your attention out of the thoughts in your head and bring your focus to your sense perceptions.

Whether you’re in your home, at the office, in the park or on a subway, notice everything around you. Use your senses to their fullest. Don’t get into a mental dialogue about the things you see, just be aware of what you’re experiencing in this moment.

Be aware of the sounds, the scents, the sensation of the air on your skin or the contact points with the seat beneath you. Be there fully in the moment. This is a form of mindfulness practice (more about this below).

Research from Prof. Mark Williams from Oxford University showed that when difficulties arise in life many of us tend to get caught up in excessive unhelpful thinking. Sometimes people try to stop constant unhelpful thinking but we don’t have to try to stop our thoughts. A more effective way to ease all that internal noise, Prof. Williams teaches, is to pay attention to our direct sensory experience. In this way there’s simply little to no room left in our attention for all that excessive thinking. Coming to our senses calms the mind and grounds us in the present moment.

Now, it’s not that we’re aiming to live completely immersed in our senses all the time. It’s appropriate to think when it’s useful of course. But we can use this awareness of our senses to ground and centre us in a greater awareness when when we find ourselves caught up in negative thinking.

It is actually almost impossible to be both deeply present in the moment in our senses and keep the negativity going! Try it out as an experiment and find out for yourself to see whether this is true.

KEY THREE: REGULAR MINDFULNESS PRACTICE

At the core of each one of us is a space that knows deep peace. As we grow up, we tend to get more and more drawn into the mind – our problems, our goals, our hopes, our fears and desires. We tend to get so busy, caught up and lose touch with this deeper sense of self…this pure unconditioned awareness.

It becomes easy for us to get more drawn into negative thinking the more we lose touch with ourselves in this way and lose ourselves in the mind. In fact research from Harvard University shows that most people are ‘mind wandering’ 47% of their day and this is the root of what causes cognitive fusion (entanglement with thoughts) (4).

Imagine the ocean. Sometimes the surface waves can be tumultuous but the depths are unaffected, calm and peaceful. Our minds have the same nature. There is a perfect stillness in each of us. Just beneath our conditioning, thoughts and habits which can sometimes also be tumultuous, there is a quiet place inside and it is always available to us as a calm refuge.

Mindfulness is the practice of waking up to that wellspring of wholeness and peace. It’s waking up out of mind wandering (where we are lost in our heads, our old beliefs, habits, reactions and thinking patterns) so that we are able to live deliberately. Through mindfulness we build our capacity to live from that deeper awareness and tame the mind.

Regular mindfulness meditation has been shown to decrease stress, depression and anxiety as well as improving immune function. People who practice meditation report overall levels of satisfaction with life higher than others. In fact, researcher and psychologist Matt Killingsworth found that what makes people most happy is being fully present in the moment and that the more our minds wander the more unhappy we become (5). There is so much power in this simple practice.

By practicing daily mindfulness meditation you will gradually cultivate more awareness and be less caught up in your mind. I have provided a free meditation below that you can download and start practicing with but the best place to start is by the 7 Days of Mindfulness Course that you can take for free here.

Four Ways You’re Strengthening Your Mind When You Practice Meditation:
Each time your mind wanders in meditation, your task is to notice it and then detach from your thought stream and come back to your senses, in the moment. This is a practice of untangling from thoughts over and over again, a habit which translates in the rest of your life too. It becomes a habit to notice and let go with ease.

Each time you let go of the thought stream and come back into the present moment you tap into the stillness and wholeness at the heart of who you are. A sense of peace, lightness and joy arises more and more with each time you practice.

Each time you are kind and gentle with yourself when your mind wanders, instead of criticising yourself, you are strengthening your self-compassion for challenging moments in the rest of your daily life. You become more resilient to stress and cultivate a kinder mind.

Each time you observe the mind that is an opportunity for ‘insight’ into your mind’s habits and patterns so you grown in what we might call wisdom or self-awareness.

KEY FOUR: HELPFUL QUESTIONS FOR UNHELPFUL THOUGHTS

Some kinds of negative thinking patterns can be quite ‘sticky’. You may find that you try to ‘name it to tame it’ and come back to your senses but the thoughts continue to have a grip on you. If you find yourself in this position there are some further tools you can use to untangle from your thoughts and change your focus. These are called the helpful questions for unhelpful thoughts. These are drawn from ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy).

You can use some of these questions to mentally question negative thoughts and use others to change your focus.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help you untangle from the thought. You ask them and then you can answer them in your head. Usually you would just pick one of these at any given time.

• Is this thought in any way useful or helpful?
• Is it true? (Can I absolutely know that it’s true)
• Is this just an old story that my mind is playing out of habit?
• Does this thought help me take effective action?
• Is this though helpful or is my mind just babbling on?

Then you can (mentally) ask these questions below to create new focus and new possibilities. These questions will help you focus on constructive thoughts and actions and help you effectively face your day-to-day challenges and move towards living a more meaningful life. Again, you may only use of of these at a time but you could always try more than one too.

• What is the truth? My deepest truth?
• What do I really want to feel or create in the situation? How can I move towards that?
• How can I make the best of this situation?
• Who would I be without this negative thought?
• What new story or thought can I focus on now?
• How can I see this in a different or new way?
• What can I be grateful for in this moment?

With these powerful questions you can change your focus from being stuck in negativity to being focused on what’s going well. They will also help you take constructive action and move towards living a more meaningful life.

Constructive thinking allows you to be happy when things are going good, and puts problems in perspective when times get tough so you can stay calm and clear headed and deal with them in a practical efficient way.

PRACTICING THE FOUR KEYS

As mentioned above, the four keys are not a ‘quick fix’ method for creating permanent change of long standing patterns. True change takes time but I promise you with a bit of patience and practice these four keys have the capacity to truly change your world from the inside out.

Now at the same time as I say these are not a quick permanent fix, you will find that in any given moment of negativity, these tools (especially ‘name it to tame it’ and the helpful questions) can assist you to immediately untangle and change your mindset.

The more you practice these tools, the more they will become like second nature to you. It’s like building a muscle—the more you use them, you become mentally fitter and stronger. In time the old habits are worn away and rather than being preoccupied with negativity, you’ll become more calm, centred and self-aware, leading to better relationships, greater overall happiness and a sense that your life is being fully lived.

As time goes on you’ll become more and more like those ocean depths, less affected by the ripples on the surface and more connected to the peace and wholeness at the heart of who you are.

I hope this blog is helpful to you. If you have any questions or need clarification of any point here please jot them down in the comments section below. I’m always happy to help you.

P.S. If you enjoyed this post you may also find the post on How to Use Mindfulness to Overcome Negative Emotions helpful or The Mindful Way Through Loss and Heartbreak. A 4-Step Process and Free Meditation.

P.P.S. Here is a meditation you can use for overcoming negative thinking that incorporates some of the keys above. This is one of many meditations I have recorded for the Meditation Studio app (my favourite meditation app) – you can find more of their high quality meditations available here.

Download Audio Now

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(1) Thought Suppression
(2) Dr. Dan Siegel: If You Can Name it, You Can Tame it
(3) Dr. Dan Siegel Video: Name it to Tame it
(4) Wandering Mind Not a Happy Mind
(5) Want to Be Happier? Stay in the Moment

“It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that parenting can be stressful. My life as a mother is often a blur. That’s why I feel unbelievably fortunate to have a technique in my daily routine to manage that stress.

“I learned the Transcendental Meditation technique when I was a child and have been practicing it for most of my life. As life changes and adds new dimensions—school, work, relationships, motherhood—my TM practice has remained a constant that keeps me centered. When the pace of life accelerates, it is easy to lose focus on the bigger picture and get lost in the details, yet my daily meditation gives me perspective. It gives me the ability to check in with myself, to stay authentic, real, and true to myself, in a world where my roles are constantly shifting.”

So writes Mira Daniels, mother of two boys, a business owner and active community member. We asked Mira to share her thoughts and experience with the TM technique as a tool for enhancing the lives of both parents and children, in light of the recent publication of The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives. The Amazon bestseller, by Bill Stixrud PhD and Ned Johnson, offers a combination of cutting-edge brain science, the latest discoveries in behavioral therapy, and case studies drawn from the thousands of kids and teens the authors have helped over the years.

One of their recommendations? To meditate and encourage our children to do the same.

Stixrud and Johnson write, “Practicing meditation is increasingly important as changes in the world trigger higher levels of anger and fear, and advances in technology quicken the pace of life, giving us little time to simply “be” with ourselves. While TM involves no attempt to control the mind, it increases practitioners’ internal locus of control. It does this, in part, by allowing the brain to refresh itself, which enables it to keep things in perspective. It also reduces the extent to which we feel overwhelmed and allows our minds to work more efficiently, increasing the effectiveness with which we tackle challenging situations and our confidence that we can handle the challenges life throws our way.”

Keeping things in perspective is especially important for parents, because, as Daniels put it, “As a parent, when I am stressed, it not only affects me, but these two little people who are counting on me to shepherd them through life. It’s all too easy to let go of self-care as a parent, yet I can’t be a good example for my boys if I’m not taking care of myself. My TM practice is a lifeline, really—the rest and the renewed energy I feel afterwards is nothing short of miraculous.”

She continued, “It’s my job to teach my children right from wrong, to help them become well-rounded people who care deeply and love fiercely and do wonderful things to help the world become a better place. To do all of that, I have to lead by example, and cultivate a tool set for them to build positive connections and confidence inside themselves as well as on the outside Children have such rich inner lives; it is so important to support them in developing confidence in their sense of self.”

Stixrud and Johnson point out that “Although kids rarely beg their parents to find them a meditation teacher, research indicates that when they establish a practice, meditation benefits them just as it does adults.” And what are those benefits? “Many years of research on TM has shown that kids who meditate for as little as ten or fifteen minutes twice a day will experience a significant reduction in stress, anxiety, and depressive symptoms and express less anger and hostility. They sleep better, think more creatively, are healthier, have higher self-esteem, and do better in school and on tests of cognitive and academic skills.”

“This is why having my kids learn the TM technique has been so rewarding for me,” writes Daniels, “Every day I get to see them cultivate their own self-care routine, their own relationship with their inner-self. Parents always want to give their kids the best, so they can to set them up for success in life. This meditation practice is something that I know will be so vital for them in every phase of their lives. How often do you come across something that will give your children the gift of being able to take a step back, to de-stress and find calm amidst the chaos of life? I am forever grateful to know that no matter what life throws at them, they will have a way to keep true to themselves and find their own big picture.”

TM practice is only one of the many insights and suggestions in The Self-Driven Child – If you’d like to read more, you can purchase a copy of the book from Amazon or at your favorite book store.

“If you still have questions about whether or not excessive pressure and a narrow version of success are truly harming our children, The Self-Driven Child is an absolute must-read. While most books on the impact of stress on child development offer anecdotes and clinical examples, Stixrud and Johnson make it clear that it is now research that explains why kids don’t thrive under our current priorities. A healthy child needs a healthy brain. Not only do they produce the evidence that shows why unremitting achievement pressure is toxic to our children, they also show us what the alternative would look like. It is not an overstatement to say that this is one of the most radical and important books on raising healthy, resilient, purpose-driven kids.” – Madeline Levine PhD, author of The Price of Privilege and Teach Your Children Well.

Did you know that one in five people these days are affected by mental illnesses such as anxiety and depression? These days many of us are also struggling with stress and overwhelm as the pace and demands of life increase.

I believe now more than ever we all need to commit to making our mental health a priority.

In honour of World Mental Health Day, here are seven proven tips that will improve your mental health and boost your wellbeing.

1. Exercise Regularly

It’s well known that exercise is important for keeping our bodies healthy, but did you know that exercise is also vital for good mental health? Research shows that people who exercise regularly have better mental health, reduced risk of developing mental illness and greater emotional wellbeing too.

How Exercise Boosts Your Mental Health

• Exercise increases your energy levels both mentally and physically.
• Exercise helps you sleep better, and good sleep helps regulate your emotions.
• Exercise can improve confidence and self-esteem as you achieve a healthy goal and take care of yourself.
• Exercise changes hormones and chemicals in the brain in mood boosting ways including an ‘endorphin rush’ that increases feelings of calm and happiness as well as improving focus and memory.
• Physical activity can be an outlet for irritation, frustration and bad moods.
• Exercise is a powerful way to alleviate the symptoms of mental illness. For example research suggests exercise can be as effective as medication or speaking to a psychologist for overcoming mild depression.

Think About Starting Small

Keeping physically active doesn’t have to mean working out at the gym, it can be simply going for a walk in the park. Experts advise that at least 20 to 30 minutes of exercise at least five days a week is ideal. If you’re not currently exercising why not start small with a goal that feels immediately achievable – like just 5 to 10 minutes a day. Start small and you can build up from there. This is often the best way to form new habits.

2. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness (a form of meditative awareness) involves training our attention and learning to have a more wise and skillful relationship with our own minds. Mindfulness teaches us to unhook from unhelpful and unproductive thought patterns and behaviours. It involves learning to steady our awareness in the present moment rather than getting lost in our heads worrying, ruminating about problems or locked into self-criticism or negative judgements.

Research Shows That Mindfulness…

• Reduces stress, depression and anxiety
• Increases stress resilience
• Brings feelings of peace and inner calm
• Improves relationships
• Improves overall sense of wellbeing and life satisfaction

3. Eat A Healthy Diet

What we eat affects how we feel. If you’ve ever watched how quickly sugar can have an effect on the mood of small children (and adults too) or if you’ve ever felt dull and tired after a heavy lunch of carbs you’ll have seen and felt the effects that foods we choose to eat can have.

But it’s not just sugar and heavy carbs. All kinds of foods can also have short-term as well as long-lasting effects on your mental health.Your body needs a mix of nutrients and minerals to function well, so making sure you’re eating a good diet is truly vital for mental health.

A Healthy Diet Includes

• A variety of fresh vegetables and fruits
• Nuts and seeds
• A good source of protein, from either fish meats (from good sources) or plant-based
• Regular water consumption 6- 8 glasses per day
• Potentially dairy, grains and complex carbohydrates like beans, lentils, pumpkin etc

Try To Limit

• How much caffeine you drink
• How much sugar is in your diet
• Taking in a lot of intoxicants
• Things you are intolerant or allergic to

4. Drink In Moderation

Many people who overindulge in drinking alcohol (or other substances) commonly do it to change their mood. Although it may numb or overcome a difficult feeling for a while, the effects are short-lived. Alcohol doesn’t deal with the causes of difficult feelings or solve our problems. It makes them worse. There are much healthier ways of dealing with difficult feelings including the other ones listed in this post.

Occasional drinking in moderation is quite healthy and enjoyable for most people. As a useful guide to drinking in moderation, keep in mind that the daily alcohol limit recommended by alcohol.gov.au is no more than two standard drinks per day.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

Do you have a harsh inner critic? It’s common to beat ourselves up and berate ourselves but research shows this habit of self-criticism comes at a price: It makes us lose confidence, feel unhappy with our lives and even leads to depression and anxiety.

Self-compassion is a way of relating to ourselves more kindly and studies show it makes us happier and gives us better overall emotional wellbeing (as well as a whole host of other benefits too)

In a report published by three German psychologists, which examined 79 studies on the link between self-compassion and well-being, they reached this conclusion: People who are kinder to themselves tend to be happier.

Kristin Neff, who has been a pioneer in the study of self-compassion says, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.”

You can try some exercises to learn greater self-compassion as well as some guided meditations here.

6. Keep In Touch

We humans are social animals. We crave to feel connected and supported and to feel valued by others. Studies have shown that social connection is a vital key to good mental health.

Good social connection has even been linked to having a longer life. In one study on an elderly population people with strong social and community ties were two to three times less likely to die during the nine-year study.

Sometimes social connection can be a heart-to-heart talk over coffee but sometimes it can be a short phone call, or an email or message. Make sure to make time to connect with the loved ones in your life on a regular basis.

If you feel your current social life isn’t giving you enough connection, you can take steps to form new ones such as

• Enrol in a class or hobby that interests you. You’ll be able to connect with others who share a common interest as well as getting out there and trying something new.
• Join a book club, hiking club or other group such a knitting, meditation groups, fitness groups, community gardens or mothers groups.
• Try volunteer work. Not only will you bond with other volunteers and recipients but helping others gives you that warm fuzzy feeling too.
• Reach out and connect to people. Ask people out for coffees, dinners or to events like movies or bands. Try to get out and meet new people.

7. Do Something You Love

What activities do you love doing just for the fun of it? You know the ones you really lose yourself in? Take some time each day to do things you love and just enjoy yourself.

It could be engaging in a hobby like music, art, gardening or going hiking or riding a bike. It could be just having a cup of tea in the sun. Take some time each week (or even each day) to just enjoy life and let go of all your cares and worries for a while. Research also shows that it improves confidence and self esteem as well as improving our overall sense of wellbeing.

A few years ago, Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson started noticing the same problem from different angles: Even high-performing kids were coming to them acutely stressed and lacking motivation. Many complained they had no control over their lives. Some stumbled in high school or hit college and unraveled. Bill is a clinical neuropsychologist who helps kids gripped by anxiety or struggling to learn. Ned is a motivational coach who runs an elite tutoring service. Together they discovered that the best antidote to stress is to give kids more of a sense of control over their lives. One recommendation for accomplishing that? Introduce children to the Transcendental Meditation technique. Here’s an excerpt from their new book, The Self-Driven Child.

At a recent workshop for mental health professionals, Dr. Bonnie Zucker gave a presentation on the treatment of anxiety. She asked the audience if they meditated on a regular basis. A handful of people raised their hands. Dr. Zucker then said, “Meditation is so powerful that I ask all of you who don’t yet meditate to learn meditation— and then call me in a year to tell me how it’s changed your life.”

We couldn’t agree more. Practicing meditation is increasingly important as changes in the world trigger higher levels of anger and fear and advances in technology quicken the pace of life, giving us little time to simply “be” with ourselves. Although kids rarely beg their parents to find them a meditation teacher, research indicates that when they establish a practice, meditation benefits them just as it does adults.

The physiological state TM produces, known as restful alertness, is distinct from sleep or from simply resting with your eyes closed. A number of studies have found that the depth of physical relaxation one can reach during the practice of TM is in several important respects (e.g., oxygen consumption, basal skin resistance) greater than that obtained during sleep. This deep rest allows the nervous system to recover from the negative effects of stress and fatigue. It also makes the stress response system more efficient, adapting to stressors and turning off quickly. With a more efficient stress response, young people are able to “let it go” and recover faster. Some studies have suggested they can do this as much as twice as fast, thereby increasing their stress tolerance and resilience, two powerful predictors of academic, career, and life success. A marked increase in the coherence of brain wave activity accompanies the state of relaxed alertness. This, in turn, is associated with improved attention, memory, and abstract reasoning ability.

Alpha waves are relatively slow brain waves that are associated with relaxation. We can see someone’s brain waves when they’re hooked up to electrical sensors, as Bill was as part of his training in biofeedback at the University of Tennessee. Sensors were attached to his skull and he was asked to close his eyes. Three or four seconds later, the doctor monitoring him said, “Holy moly.”

“What’s wrong?” Bill asked.

“Nothing,” the doctor said. “The second you closed your eyes, you had this beautiful burst of alpha waves.” Bill told him he had been meditating for twenty- five years.

“That’s obvious,” he said.

All those years of meditating had given him a brain that functioned differently. Bill found this particularly affirming in light of the fact that he used to be one of those people whose presence stressed people out.

Many years of research on TM has shown that kids who meditate for as little as ten or fifteen minutes twice a day will experience a significant reduction in stress, anxiety, and depressive symptoms and express less anger and hostility. They sleep better, think more creatively, are healthier, have higher self-esteem, and do better in school and on tests of cognitive and academic skills. While TM involves no attempt to control the mind, it increases practitioners’ internal locus of control. It does this, in part, by allowing the brain to refresh itself, which enables it to keep things in perspective. It also reduces the extent to which we feel overwhelmed and allows our minds to work more efficiently, increasing the effectiveness with which we tackle challenging situations and our confidence that we can handle the challenges life throws our way. The Quiet Time school program, in which students meditate [with Transcendental Meditation] for fifteen minutes twice a day, has made a profound impact on students in underserved urban schools, many of whose lives are filled with violence, fear, and trauma.

From THE SELF-DRIVEN CHILD: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives by William Stixrud, Ph.D., and Ned Johnson, published by Viking, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House, LLC. Copyright © 2018 by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson.

Note: Children as young as 10 can learn the TM technique, and younger children can sometimes learn on a case by case basis. For more information, speak to your local TM teacher!

Featured Image by Levi Saunders