My Boyfriend Took Two Years To Say ‘I Love You’ And It Was Completely Worth The Wait

Last week, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time, after two and a half years of being together.

Most women would be shocked. Most women would have either questioned him a long time ago for not saying those words, or they would’ve taken control and been the ones to say them first, and probably gotten an “I love you too,” in return.

But not me.

Because I was waiting for him to open his heart and say them. I didn’t want to force those words out of him and hear them when he just wasn’t ready. But at some point along the way, I gave up waiting.

I wondered why he never said them, yes. Of course I did, I’m only human. But I never doubted he felt it.

And I empathize with him.

I understand that some of us find it difficult to say the words we mean. We’ve grown up with Dads who never said “I love you” to our Mums; or parents who never told us we were loved, as they tucked us into bed each night.

It didn’t mean they didn’t feel it.

It didn’t mean we felt unloved.

It didn’t mean much at all.

It was just the way things were.

So over the past two years, I just grew to accept that this was the way things were.

For whatever reason, he couldn’t say I love you, and even though my ego planted a seed of doubt inside my mind; deep down, my soul knew that this man loved the bones of me.

Finally last week, he told me.

He apologized for having not said it sooner.

And he has been saying it ever since.

So have I.

And if I’m being honest, I still struggle to say it. I’ve only said it to my parents a couple of times in my lifetime. I’ve never said it to a man – because I’ve never been in love, until now.

Sometimes my heart will swell and my veins will flood with love for this man, yet I find my mouth glued shut and my voice dies inside of me.

Sometimes, I’ll be sat meditating peacefully in a yoga class, and I’ll be overwhelmed with feelings of love for him.

Sometimes, I’ll be making us grilled cheese sandwiches in the kitchen, and something reminds me of how beautiful what we share is.

Sometimes, he’ll unlock our front door and move aside to let me walk through first, and I melt at his sweetness.

You see, there are so many times I feel tidal waves of love for this man, but something inside of me stops me from expressing it.

How could I possibly be frustrated at someone for not saying the words that I have been terrified to say my whole life?

And there’s the other part me that’s glad he waited.

So many people blurt those three words out with no understanding of what they mean. They say it because it feels good to make someone else happy. They say it because they want to believe they’re in love when they aren’t. They say it because they’re too afraid to be honest – with themselves, and with others.

Millions upon millions of people will say, “I love you,” today, but how many will mean it?

How many of those people will stand by their words, and match them with their actions?

I feel content knowing that I have never thrown those sacred words around without conviction, and neither has he.

What I wish to tell you is this:

You don’t need to rush to say those words. And you needn’t be afraid to say them when they stir within.

We waited more than two years to say I love you, and I’m okay with that.

It was worth waiting for. TC mark

How to Find a Yoga Teacher Who Brings the Best Out of You

Yoga is not something which was found in the last 100 or 200 years of evolution. Rather, it has been practiced since the ancient times of Mohenjo-Daro and Harrapan cultures, passed down by gurus to students for thousands of years.

There is a saying in the yoga community that Yoga is now as popular as golf.

A report by USA Today said that, “More people are seeking guidance on a path of stretching their bodies, breath, and minds. The number of people trained to teach is also trending upward, as the quantity of newly registered instructors jumped 18% from 2008 to 2014”.

With such a demand for yoga and an abundant supply of studios and instructors, the task of selecting the right teacher for you can seem challenging, but there are some key things to look for.

Here are 8 ways to evaluate a teacher and find the right one for you.

1. Does the yoga teacher connect with your soul or is their style is reflecting what you were expecting?

Starting in childhood, we have a tendency to like what eases us, not necessarily what is good for us.

This is the scenario with 90% of students. The teacher who shared our enthusiasm or would agree to what we see or think, instantly would become our favorite and thus we shaped our life according to it.

The same principle plays here. You only will be able to concentrate and understand your Yoga instructor if they become your FAVORITE.

2. Do you connect to their teachings? Do they resonate with your values or you share the same perspective or not?

This is a bit tricky, as it is now not about their personality, communication, or understanding. Rather it is about their beliefs and perspective.

You have to see whether you believe what they say. Do you carry the same ideology they teach?

3. Does the teacher have a healthy mentor-student relationship?

Yoga is all about sensing and reacting to nature. It is a soft process that is practiced to calm your mental senses.

You cannot practice it if the instructor fails to keep you calm in all situations. Find out if you feel comfortable when he or she is around.

4. In future, if you were given a chance to run a yoga institute, would you share the same vibe of the teacher with your students?

This is a hypothetical situation that you will have to imagine while looking at your instructor. Ask yourself this question and if the answer is yes, then you are in the right place with the right kind of teacher.

If the answer is no, then don’t waste time; find someone new and better for you.

5. His teachings must resonate with your spirit and body.

You will feel the presence of something new in your body. If practicing yoga feels like putting something soothing in your brain, then understand that you are on the right path.

Practicing Yoga will give you a peace of mind that almost no other exercise can do. You will find that you are talking to your conscience more clearly than ever. Your sixth sense will be more active than ever.

6. Does the teacher motivate you, and do you see a growth in both your confidence and body?

Usually, it takes three continuous months to see the effects of Yoga on your body. If you are already feeling the change in you, thus assure yourself that yes you are doing it right.

There may be times while doing yoga when we cannot perform, we go light on our body or experience an unwanted situation in life. These all have the potential to discourage you to practice. An instructor must have the skill of being able to motivate you.

7. Does the program activate your inner self?

One of the major side benefits of Yoga is that it encourages inward growth. It matures you in a way that a theory or art of living class won’t.

You begin to relate and cope up situations like never before. Problems will become easier to tackle. And you will be able to listen to your soul.

8. Do they carry enough credentials and are they well-trained and highly knowledgeable?

Verify about the instructor’s certifications and what they claim about their courses. Do not rely on website reviews. Instead, look out for Quora or Google reviews about the institute.

You must avoid instructors who claim that:

  1. “You too can become an instructor in a week or so.”
  2. “Other styles of Yoga are dangerous or not ok.”
  3. “There is only one way to practice Yoga.”

Remember that yoga is not merely a workout, but is a lifestyle. It is the only practice which helps you to stay physically fit and mentally positive.

You cannot just pull out protocols to perform and make it happen. Be a part of a community to feel the real connection that it offers you.

It’s like the civilization of Navi from the film Avatar and how the people of Navi would connect themselves with nature. Yoga makes you realize the essence of gravity and nature around you. It is a health magnet, and you are the source of reception.




Guide to Inspired Life

“Worrying About Something You Fear Doesn’t Prevent It; It Does Keep You from Enjoying What You’re Doing Right Now.”

Interview: KJ Dell’Antonia.

I’ve known KJ for many years. We first met when she was the editor of Motherlode, the New York Times online section devoted to “adventures in parenting” — a section that  evolved into Well Family, where she was also a contributing editor.

While she was there, KJ was my editor when I did a short Motherlode series about my love of picture books — ah, what a joy it was to write about my favorite picture books! You can read what I wrote about Little Bear, Blueberries for Sal, The Little Engine That Could, or about the picture books that fill me with dread. And after my commentary, you can read KJ’s commentary.

Along with writer, teacher, and education expert Jessica Lahey, KJ also is the co-host of a terrific podcast #AmWriting, all about writing and getting things done. (My sister Elizabeth was a guest on an episode, and so was I.)

As if all this weren’t enough, KJ just published a terrific book: How to be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (Almost) Every Minute.

I couldn’t wait to talk to KJ about happiness, habits, and productivity.

Gretchen: What’s a simple habit or activity that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative? 

KJ: I’m a planner. For example, I write every day. I plan when I’ll write the day before (it’s usually first thing after I drop my kids at school in the morning which isn’t really first thing in the morning). If I can’t write then, I decide when I can write. I do the same thing with exercise (I don’t do much but I do it every day). I even block in space for little tasks. Right now, I need to decide how much my car is worth as trade-in. That’s minor and not really work, but it has to get done, and it won’t get done unless I plan a time to do it and then do—so I do.

Possibly the most relevant side effect of this is that if I don’t plan a time to do something, it probably wasn’t important to me in the first place.

Gretchen: What’s something you know now about building healthy habits or happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old? 

KJ: I didn’t know anything about being happy when I was 18 years old! I thought you found happiness in other people, which, not surprisingly, never, ever worked. So the list of things I know now that I didn’t know then is long, but here’s a favorite—worrying about something you fear doesn’t prevent it, and it does keep you from enjoying whatever you’re doing right now. Plus, when things do go wrong, all we ever want is to be back in our nice cozy ordinary lives again—the ones we spent worrying about things that might go wrong! So, don’t do that.

Gretchen: You’ve done fascinating research. What has surprised or intrigued you – or your readers — most? 

KJ: My research is in the area of what makes parents happier, or less happy, and most people are surprised by what a consensus there is around what we most hate doing—which is disciplining our kids. Enforcing the rules, getting them to do chores, dealing with them when they screw up—we don’t like that, and we also don’t feel like we know how (which always makes people less happy). I don’t think our own parents felt that way.

Gretchen: Do you have any habits that continually get in the way of your happiness?

KJ: I stew. I pick something I’m worried about and then I worry it to death, or just go over it and over it and over it, especially on a long drive. I just soak in it. I had one setback, two years ago now, that I will STILL sometimes stew over when my brain just needs something to grab onto. Knowing I do it helps, but not enough.

Gretchen: Which habits are most important to you? (for health, for creativity, for productivity, for leisure, etc.)

KJ: I plan our entire week every Sunday. I have four kids, I work 30-40 hours a week and I help to manage our horse barn, so our weeks tend to have a lot of moving parts. Planning what’s going to happen when, who’s going to get who where and what we’re going to have for dinner every weeknight is key to my happiness. I’ve learned that I hate it when I feel rushed or harried, and I always feel harried without a plan. That said, it has to be MY plan. Unless I’ve already taken a deep breath and made a decision to just go along with it, I don’t usually like other people’s plans. My plans are better.

Gretchen: Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit—or to break an unhealthy habit? If so, how did you do it?

KJ: I run a mile every day. I hate running. I hate mandatory exercising, really. I hate having to do anything physical, I hate having a plan to meet someone to work out or a scheduled class. I get bored with nearly every physical activity in about 25 minutes. But obviously I need to do something.

My husband has a treadmill, and I’d been reading about interval training, and I thought, well, I’ll run for three minutes four times with a minute in between. Anybody can run for three minutes, right?

That turned out to be about a mile, and after a while, the walking minutes in between started dragging the whole thing out. So I decided the mile was my goal. That was a little over two years ago, and now I’m a little compulsive about it. I get up every day and just do it first thing, and then I’m done for the day—and even if I don’t get out of my chair for the whole rest of the day I’ve got that going for me.

Gretchen: Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger

KJ: I’m a Rebel, although because I’ve held down jobs (maybe for not very long) and obviously I can get my writing done, it took me a while to figure that out—but nothing else fit. Then I remembered how, even as a kid, I would say to myself “I don’t have to do that (homework, show up to class, not steal stuff). I just choose to, because I don’t want the consequences.” And once I knew, it was so clear—and it really does help me to know. Now, when I actually want to do something, I make sure to remind myself I don’t have to, and I usually don’t set a time. I also use the strategy of making it part of my identity—and I also rebel by defying other people’s expectations that I can’t or won’t do certain things.

I credit my dad for helping me be a successful Rebel. He’s one himself (with a big Questioner bent), and he’s always setting out to prove people wrong. You say I can’t put myself through college? The hell I can’t! Say I’m not good enough for that job? The hell I’m not!

It’s kind of a combative approach to life but it works for him. I’m less combative about it, but it works for me, too.

Gretchen: Does anything tend to interfere with your ability to keep your healthy habits? (e.g. travel, parties)

KJ: If I don’t run first thing in the morning, it’s hard for me to do it at all. (If I’ve planned on a time, I usually can, but if there’s no plan beyond “I’ll do it later” it’s not happening. Similarly, If I don’t meditate right after I run, I almost certainly won’t. Clearly pairing works well for me!

Gretchen: Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.? 

KJ: In one of Laura Vanderkam’s early books, 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think, she reminds us that most of what we do every day involves some kind of choice. You’re “too busy” to chaperone the field trip but not “too busy” to drive 5 hours round trip to pick up a kitten your family has been waiting for—because you choose the kitten, but not the field trip. (That might just be me.)

So I stopped saying I was “too busy,” ever—because I’m not too busy. If I want to do it, I’ll find time. If I don’t, I won’t. For the most part, with some exceptions, it’s that simple—and recognizing that changed how I looked at my time, which I think changed my life.

Gretchen: Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful? Or a particular book that has stayed with you?

KJ: “Decide what to do, then do it.” That’s one of my mantras for parental happiness, from my book How to Be a Happier Parent—but I find it generally applicable. I often feel frozen at the beginning of a project or when faced with a lot of choices. “Decide what to do, then do it,” reminds me just to pick a road or a topic or a small piece of the job and start. You can nearly always change course, but you won’t get anywhere if you don’t start.

5 Tips for Balancing Work and Family Responsibilities

,The endless stream of chores and responsibilities often makes people feel overwhelmed. It can be incredibly challenging to find a balance between everything that needs to be done for a career and all the attention that our families deserve.

However, no matter how busy your life is– there are a few ways you can limit the stress that comes with a demanding schedule and find the desired balance.

1. Make Mornings Your Friend

At first waking up earlier than you already are can seem like the worst idea in the world. The truth is that you can train your body and mind to wake up earlier without a problem.

When you feel overtired, it is difficult to do even the simplest task. That is why replacing the tired evenings with mornings can boost your productivity.

When you feel tired in the evening, just go to bed and wake up earlier to make up for it. Your quality of work in the morning will be a lot better as the sleep will give your brain a chance to recharge.

Another plus of waking up early is that if you get your work done in good time, then you might have a bit more time to prepare a nice breakfast and spend the morning with your kids, husband, or wife.

If waking up early still feels impossible, try creating a morning routine that you actually enjoy. Give yourself ten minutes to watch a video or read a chapter from your favorite book. Do something that makes you happy after you wake up and that way you will start looking forward to the mornings.

2. Learn to Say No

Even the best bosses in the world sometimes may give tasks that don’t really need to be done right away (or at all). When one cares about their job, it is easy to say yes to every task that we are handed but it’s important to learn that sometimes saying no is essential if you want to find balance.

Unless the task definitely needs to be done, leave it for the next day. Going home on time can be challenging, but if you learn to say no, you will see that it is more possible than you thought before.

There are some challenges that come with saying no. One of them is the fear of being fired if you do it too much. For that reason, it is important first to learn how to evaluate which tasks are actually important and which tasks you can leave for the day after.

If you still find it hard to figure out what is a crucial task and what is not, then consider discussing it with your employer. might be the best thing you can do.

Explain to them that you have not been spending enough time with your family, but make it clear that you also want to do well at work. Ask them what you should prioritize and what you can leave for later but make sure that you’ve made it clear that work is important to you.

Most employers are very understanding when you have an honest discussion about your worries; it is a better alternative to hiding what’s wrong and underperforming at work.

3. Pick an Activity to do With Your Family

This one should be simple but ends up being a bit difficult to achieve if your children are teenagers who want to spend a lot of time with their friends. An activity for the whole family can be anything from family game night once a week, to going bowling together once a month, or simply going on trips together whenever possible.

Choosing one or few of those things can help you gain some quality time with your loved ones.

Some examples of activities to choose from include: Family movie night, cooking together, a weekend barbecue in the backyard (you can even invite another family to make it more fun), and camping.

The ideas of things you can do with your family can be endless if you let your imagination run. What does your family love to do? To make it even easier you can choose a few activities and ask the family members to vote on it. Whatever gets most votes is your family activity.

4. Organize Well

Good organization and scheduling is everything. The first step you can take to restore some order is simple: get a family calendar. You can put it somewhere where people often walk by, such as the fridge.

Each member of the family will be responsible for putting in their schedules. That way you can see when you have time to enjoy some quality time together. You can also help each other when you see the other person has more on their plate.

Another tip about organization is to have family meetings from time to time. It may seem a bit robotic, but it gives a chance for members of the family to express their feelings about the current situation at home. It is a better alternative to being angry at each other because someone didn’t do the dishes and is keeping the anger inside.

When you keep anger inside it will only come out later a lot worse than if you had spoken your mind.

5. Say Goodbye to Distractions Once and for All

I am not saying you should never watch a movie again. But let the Bachelor wait when you haven’t spent time with your family all week or when there is an important work task waiting for you.

Having time for yourself is essential, but you can avoid certain things. That includes time wasters such as browsing through Facebook and Instagram. Or spending way too much time sending cute snaps of your kids to your friends.

Enjoy reality TV or playing Candy Crush on your phone? While these may be good at relaxing you, try taking a walk with your husband instead. A walk can relax you a lot more and give you some very much needed quality time together.

Getting rid of distractions can be especially tricky when you are feeling stressed. People who worry commonly hide in watching TV or playing a game so they don’t have to think about the problem at hand.

Remember that balancing work and family life doesn’t have to be so difficult. Take a deep breath and try to implement at least some of the tips offered. Even just one of them can be the push you need to feel better.




Guide to Inspired Life

Affecting Appreciation: The Impact Gratitude Can Have On Your Happiness

What does happiness mean to you? Does it come in the form of money, prestige, or the achievement of goals (job, spouse, house, kids, and in that order)?

Though we all strive for happiness, no one seems to have a clear definition of what it is–or how we know when we’ve made it. Only 33% of Americans say they feel happy in their daily lives; perhaps the key to improving our happiness is to understand just what being happy truly means.

Practicing gratitude is the best way to start. Consider what you have in life right now, whether it was earned, given, or bought. Do you have a job, a place to live, and a support system (family or friends)? What about your own room, a gaming console, or even a pet?

Chances are you are experiencing and benefitting from things (objects, events, experiences) others have always dreamed about. No matter what life you lead or what things you own.

Regardless of your own personal reactions to and understandings of them, when you appreciate the little aspects of life that are often taken for granted, happiness will find its way into your heart and your home with ease.

Practice Makes Perfect

Unfortunately, positive thinking can be extremely difficult to implement without a bit of help. By working the following tips into your everyday lives to open your mind to the whole world, you’ll be able to appreciate what already exists in your own.

1. Clear the Clutter

And we mean literally. Tidy up your space. This is the best way to begin any project, whether mental or physical. The mind is incredibly malleable; if the area that you live and work in is messy, your thoughts will be, too.

You’re trying to make a big mental change, so clearing your physical space of any clutter can help you focus on that change without any distractions getting in the way. Best of all, you can make good on your promises. Anything that you don’t need or want can be donated to someone who will truly appreciate it, turning your noble words into nobler actions.

 2. Write It Down

Many people are visual learners, meaning they absorb new information and ways of thinking best through their sense of sight.

By simply writing down what you’re grateful for or drawing a picture, you will constantly be reminding yourself of how good your life actually is. It may not be exactly what you desire, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t chock-full of positivity.

The physical act of writing these daily graces makes them more obvious and tangible, ensuring that your mental change towards the recognition of gratitude has a solid foundation.

3. Find A Coach

If you find yourself struggling, there is no shame in requesting outside help. In fact, the very act of searching for a gratitude coach shows your dedication to changing your frame of mind.

Whether you schedule appointments with a gratitude guide or listen to podcasts created by life coaches, you will be taking the initiative towards a more grateful existence and will be discovering new tools and techniques to help you along the way.

Happiness Earned

Once you are able to appreciate your own life, happiness will follow. Plus, the perks are great! A

study performed in 2013 found that those who showed more gratitude during their waking hours were able to fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer; when your head is no longer filled with negative thoughts, there is nothing to keep you tossing and turning. Correspondingly, a separate study reported in Psychology Today found that those who kept a gratitude journal rated better on mood tests. Unsurprisingly, negative thoughts contribute to depression and anxiety, and gratitude journals can help eliminate both at the source.

There’s no better time to start than today. As in, right now! Clear the clutter from your room and mind, get yourself a gratitude journal or sketchbook, and throw on a podcast to get your brain in the right mood while you take note (literally!) of all the wonderful things in your life — don’t wait (or worry), be happy!




Guide to Inspired Life

“My Life Today Is the Sum Total of My Past Choices.”

Interview: Karla Starr.

Karla Starr has written for O, The Atlantic, Slate, Popular Science, the Guardian, and the Los Angeles Times, and she received the Best Science/Health award from the Society of Professional Journalists. Her first book recently hit the shelves:  Can You Learn to Be Lucky? Why Some People Seem to Win More Often Than Others.

Karla says, “The best way we can successfully deal with the unknown is by building our own character strengths: our flexibility, empathy, confidence, self-control, curiosity, self-esteem, humility, persistence, belief in our ability to improve, and the ability to simply show up. The key to maximizing luck is simply to maximize what you bring to the table, plug yourself into many outlets, and be open to whatever comes along.”

I couldn’t wait to talk to Karla about happiness, habits, luck, and productivity.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?

Karla: If I had to pick just one thing, it’s to get enough sleep. It’s the basis of physical and mental health, and I have no problems prioritizing it over everything else. When I go to bed early enough to wake up naturally, I have more energy, my brain works as well as it can, and I feel like a functional human.

Gretchen: What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

Karla: I knew nothing about happiness when I was 18; I just thought it was something for people who had summer houses, Ivy League scholarships, great wardrobes, and perfect test scores. But as it turns out, you can have all of those things and be miserable.

Two people in the exact same situation can have completely different moods because of what they pay attention to and how they interpret it. Fortunately, we have complete control over those two things. Paying attention to something is what gives it power, which is why practicing gratitude is so important. I had no idea it was that simple.

Gretchen: You’ve done fascinating research. What has surprised or intrigued you—or your readers—most?

Karla: How much random, uncontrollable things influence our thoughts, behavior, and habits, which are entirely controllable.

Small moments can alter our entire life’s trajectory by making us assume that it’s part of a larger pattern. For example, seeing someone try to cut in line at the grocery store can make us assume that they’re a jerk; if we see them later on, we’d probably ignore them or give them a look. But what if they were in a hurry to buy food for a sick friend, and felt awful about cutting in line? We never get a chance to find out if we’re wrong.

Our brains love patterns, even though this means seeing regularities in the environment that may not actually exist.

I was surprised to find out how easily this can happen when we get information about ourselves. If a grade school teacher tells us that we’re not cut out for music, we learn that we’re no good. So So we’ll never practice, get more flustered when we do, and assume that improving is harder for us than others—even though getting better takes time for everyone. More often, however, we’ll just quit. We don’t realize how many aspects of our life are self-fulfilling prophecies, and the lengths that people will go to in order to avoid being wrong about themselves and the world, even when it might lead to positive change.

Our social environments play a huge role. Imagine someone with jaded friends who goes on a few dates that turn out to be bad. They might begin to think of dating as a pointless endeavor, and start acting distant or slightly hostile towards others—the very behavior that drives people away. Over time, they might conclude that they’re fated to be alone, stop giving new people a chance, or never meeting people. Guess what? That’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. You never learn that you’re wrong.

Think of a story you might attribute to luck, like getting an offer for your dream job meeting the love of your life, getting your startup funded, or being accepted into your first choice school. We don’t see the lifetime of good habits that went into these moments, like attending networking events every week and keeping in touch with professional contacts for years, or staying positive after years of bad dates. No one posts on Facebook about living off of ramen and having tons of roommates while developing their app, or that they studied for a standardized test every weekend for two years.

Actions that lead to larger rewards in the future often feel less rewarding in the present, and change itself can be difficult. It can take longer to see those larger fruits of beneficial habits than people realize. Doubting the value of good habits can make people inconsistent enough to never see change, or give up prematurely. Change takes time. Different habitual ways of responding to what happens to us create wildly different life trajectories over time.

I was surprised to see how many aspects of life are self-fulling prophecies: when people become convinced that certain outcomes won’t happen, we never really try to make them happen. And guess what? We’re right—even if it started because of a random comment.

Gretchen: Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit—or to break an unhealthy habit? If so, how did you do it?

Karla: I used to think that exercise was torture, and that being athletic just wasn’t in the cards for me. I used the research to turn it around: bit by bit, I made everything associated with a healthy lifestyle as positive and rewarding as possible. I found an activity that I really enjoyed and a coach I connected with. I started befriending people at the gym, got workout clothes that I loved, and focused on how good it felt to get better. My attitude towards health has done a complete 180. I even won a competition at my gym this past year!

Gretchen: Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger?

Karla: Absolutely no one who knows me will be surprised that I’m a Questioner! I researched my book for years and am obsessed with learning. I hate the feeling of being forced to do something just for the sake of doing it. But if I have a good reason, I have no problem moving time and space for something that I want to do.

Gretchen: Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?

Karla: “One coin won’t make you rich, but the only way to get rich is by collecting coins.” [Gretchen: This is one of my favorite teaching stories! Here’s an episode of A Little Happier where I talk about it.] My life today is the sum total of my past choices. Each small action may feel inconsequential, but every one counts. Every smart decision you make adds value to your future self. Books are read and written one word at a time, well-being is improved one healthy decision at a time, relationships are strengthened one kind deed at a time, retirement accounts grow one dollar at a time, and marathons are finished one step at a time. Every extra minute of reading, writing, brownie-skipping, gym-hitting, hugging, thanking, saving, and stepping adds up over time. Everything counts.

Gretchen: In your field, is there a common misperception or incorrect assumption that you’d like to correct?

Karla: People think that personality traits and intelligence are static, but our brains are much more plastic and malleable than we realize, at any age. Personality traits also depend on the situation we find ourselves in: everyone becomes more conscientious when they’re about to finish a project they really want to complete, or more extroverted when they see a great friend they really want to catch up with. Our lifestyles and social environments shape what we think we’re capable of, especially the habits among people in your social circle. As the narrative we tell ourselves about our life starts to take shape over time, people settle into a story of who we are, and make a habit of putting ourselves in situations where we’re most comfortable.

Gretchen: Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.?

Karla: Last year, when I was working on my last chapter on the importance and difficulty of open-mindedness, I had a health scare. One of my friends said she’d pray for me, and I replied that it wasn’t a good use of her time. After talking, I ended up testing the advice that I was giving in that chapter: what if I was wrong, and there was a divine presence in the universe? Why was I stubbornly refusing to even consider it? What was the worst that could happen if I was wrong?

It felt so odd to challenge such a core belief, especially one I’d been writing about for years. But what if the universe wasn’t just made of chaos and randomness—what if coincidences were meaningful? A few days after my scare, I started to act “as if.”

If you do everything in your power to make your future brighter, stay flexible about the outcome, and have patience that things will eventually work out, they will. Another word for luck is faith.

How the Shorter Days of Fall Can Lift You Up Instead of Bring You Down

As we enter Fall, the days continue to get shorter as the darkness of winter approaches. This can be a challenge for many people as they struggle to adapt. When this becomes more extreme, western medicine calls this Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

SAD is a mood disorder where people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year exhibit depressive symptoms at the same time each year, most commonly in the fall and winter.

Symptoms of SAD may include: feeling depressed, losing interest in activities you usually enjoy, low energy, problems sleeping, feeling sluggish or agitated, difficulty concentrating, and feeling hopeless, worthless or guilty.

While doctors have a label for it, they also readily admit specific causes of SAD are unknown and only point to things they think may contribute. I believe part of the reason why many people experience symptoms of SAD is because of an unbalanced relationship to the cycles of nature.

I love the fall! It’s not because of the beautiful colors of the turning leaves, the cool fresh mornings while the sun is still warm. I do enjoy these aspects, but they’re not the direct reason I love fall, they’re more a consequence of something very special happening in nature at this time of year.

I know people who really struggle with this time of year with feeling down and often complaining about the weather, but for me, it’s quite the opposite, and I’d love to share with you why and how it could be for you too.

Our Connection to Nature

For me, it all starts with my connection to nature. As human beings, we have a physical body, but it doesn’t really exist independently of the earth.

Think about your physical body. It’s made from the material of nature. We eat food that comes from nature (most of it), we digest and absorb it, and this amazing process takes place inside us, transforming the food in our body. The food from the earth builds our body, so we’re essentially made of what we eat.

Also, consider our body is roughly 60% water (this can differ slightly depending on various factors such as age and sex).

We are part of nature, and as a result, we’re affected by its cycles.

Cycles

One of the most apparent cycles we are affected by is the 24-hour cycle of day and night.

In the morning as the sun rises and nature is waking up, so do we. During the daylight hours, we’re typically awake and active. The sun sets, the darkness of the night arrives, and we usually rest, sleep and rejuvenate.

Of course, some people work overnight shifts and sleep during the day. But if we don’t have a specific reason to stay up through the night, or when we’re not overstimulated by computer or smartphone screens, we naturally rest and sleep.

Our body is designed to sleep at night. It responds to the night by releasing melatonin. This hormone, released from the pineal gland, helps regulates sleep, but it’s the darkness that triggers the gland to release it.

This is a scientific explanation, but we don’t need to understand science to know what we experience in our body. We can understand things theoretically as much as we want, but if we don’t apply it to our experience, it really doesn’t mean very much. It’s interesting, but it’s not transformative.

Take a moment to reflect on how you feel when the sun is rising, and the daylight increases? What does your body naturally want to do?

Now, reflect on how you feel when the sun is setting, and it’s getting darker? What does your body naturally want to do?

When I pay attention to how the natural rhythm of day and night affects me, I feel more connected to nature. I feel a sense of wonder and respect for the greater forces of nature that I’m taking part in, and I realize I function better when I don’t fight against nature, for example, I know in myself that if I want good quality sleep, I do it at night.

Seasons
Alone tree in wide landscape

Seasons are basically the same, only on a larger scale.

During the spring nature comes alive, daylight hours increase, flowers, plants and leaves gradually emerge from the cold darkness of winter. Summer brings the heat and nature is in full force at its most active. Fall arrives, nature starts to withdraw inwards, and the leaves fall from the trees as the days become shorter. Winter brings the quietest time in nature, with the coldest and shortest days of the year.

Just like the cycle of day and night, the seasons continue to repeat over and over, and just as our body responds to day and night, it also responds to the seasons.

The cycle of day and night is very much the same as the seasons, with four stages. Spring equates to sunrise, summer to daytime, fall to sunset and winter to night time.

There’s something I’ve noticed in the way most people talk about the seasons that indicates why some people have a hard time with fall and winter.

When spring arrives most people say, “The days are getting longer,” and then when the fall comes they say, “The days are getting shorter.”

How often do you hear people say, “The night is getting longer” or “The night is getting shorter”? Rarely, if ever.

Why?

Our relationship tends to be biased towards daytime. As the seasons change, it’s all about the length of the daylight, but this misses what the night brings for us, which creates an unbalanced relationship to the seasons.

From this perspective, it’s easy to understand why people struggle during fall when they’re losing hours of daylight; they don’t have a relationship to the night, and instead resist it wishing the long days of summer would continue.

What is your relationship to the night? Is it simply a time for sleep?

Fall is the Sunset of the Seasons

When I watch a sunset, I feel this beautiful transition time of nature. The time just before and after the sun descends below the horizon, and before the night has fully arrived, I feel this momentum of nature into quiet stillness of the night. It brings such a sense of inner peace, fullness and a mood of deeper reflection.

Recall a time when you’ve watched a sunset? How did it make you feel?

What I feel in nature during fall is very similar. Nature turning inwards, on it’s way to the quiet stillness of winter. It’s not yet winter, although it’s quiet by contrast to the summer. There’s a momentum toward the stillness of winter, a quietening. This is what I love about fall, and why I never get down about the longer nights. I feel the quiet through my whole being.

Fall is the sunset of the seasons. It’s like a slow sunset extended over a few months, depending on where you live in the world. Whether it’s day or night, this magic of fall is happening in the background, and there’s an opportunity to ride the flow of nature and turn inwards into our self.

The Quiet

The biggest reason why I feel so moved by fall is because of what I’ve experienced through meditation.

Meditation is a process of turning inwards, away from distractions (external and internal) and stress, quietening the mind from the chaos of our thoughts. Through the exploration of my own inner nature, I find a deep quiet stillness that exists inside me.

When I sit to meditate, there is a phase of quietening, and just like the sunset and fall, there is a momentum into a quiet stillness that is simple, peaceful and clear. It brings alertness and restfulness into my body and mind.

Over time I’ve developed a relationship to this quiet stillness that’s become part of me. When fall arrives, the movement of nature into quiet stillness speaks to and highlights the quiet stillness inside me.

There is something deeply moving for me in nature during fall that brings a fullness and an inner quiet.

“Without understanding yourself, what is the use of trying to understand the world?” – Ramana Mahashi

What can you do?

If you find yourself getting down this fall, remember, it’s an opportunity shift your usual perspective and quiet the chaos of the thoughts, emotions, and dramas that often fill your mind leading to stress and anxiety.

Remember, we’re inherently connected to nature. Don’t resist it. Learn from it.

Most importantly, cultivate a relationship to nature that allows you to enjoy every aspect of the seasons.

Sunsets

Take some time to witness the sunset. You don’t even have to see the sunset, although if you can, great! It’s not so much about seeing the actual sunset, it’s more about this phase around sunset. There’s no exact timing, but 30 – 60 min before and after is usually more tangible.

If it’s raining or overcast, you can still pay attention to this phase of sunset.

Allow yourself to be quiet and simply notice how nature is becoming quiet and how that makes you feel. It’s not night time yet, but there is this momentum towards it.

Don’t think about it. Feel it. Can you feel the quietening inside you? Do you naturally feel more reflective?

The more you feel it, the more it will help take you out of your thoughts and awaken a sense of peace and quiet inside you.

When you’re more familiar with this turning inward quality of nature, you can more easily feel the quietening of the fall and really appreciate this time of year. This is about finding the part of you that’s connected to nature and knows how to be quiet inside.

Meditation

If you don’t meditate, begin.

If you already meditate or you’ve tried but struggled, you might find that by taking time to do the sunset practice above it will make your meditation practice more effective, because the part of you that can feel the quiet in nature is also the part of you who can actually meditate.

Meditation teaches us how to find stillness and clarity inside us and let go of the chaos of thoughts, emotions, and stories that constantly fill our mind.

The more we find the quiet inside us, the more we can appreciate the quiet in nature during fall. Symptoms of stress, anxiety or even SAD can be seen as a reflection of our relationship to both nature and our self. Deepen the relationship, lessen the symptoms.

The quietening that happens in meditation is very similar to the quietening of sunset and fall. Knowing this will help you build a relationship with nature (and yourself). So as fall comes, you can enjoy what the season has to offer.

Where ever you’re at in your meditation practice, you can learn a lot from nature. The earth knows how to be quiet, and we can learn so much from nature about being quiet. Nature, especially at this time of year can help awaken the part of us that knows how to be quiet and still.




Guide to Inspired Life

Drew Houston — The Billionaire Founder of Dropbox (#334)

“Write an interesting story, not a perfect story.” — Drew Houston

Drew Houston (@DrewHouston) is co-founder and CEO of Dropbox. Since founding the company in 2007 with Arash Ferdowsi, Drew has led the company’s growth from a simple idea to a service used by 500 million people around the world.

Drew received his bachelor’s degree in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science from MIT in 2006. After graduating, he turned his frustration with carrying USB drives and emailing files to himself into a demo for what became Dropbox. Today Dropbox is one of the world’s leading business collaboration platforms, with 11 million paying subscribers and 1,800 employees across 12 global offices.

Enjoy!

Want to hear an episode with the co-founder of another product that makes the modern workplace possible for many? — Listen to this interview with Jason Fried, co-founder of Basecamp, in which we discuss selective ignorance, negative visualization, the importance of written communication, and much more (stream below or right-click here to download):


This podcast is brought to you by 99designs, the global creative platform that makes it easy for designers and clients to work together to create designs they love. Its creative process has become the go-to solution for businesses, agencies, and individuals, and I have used it for years to help with display advertising and illustrations and to rapid prototype the cover for The Tao of Seneca. Whether your business needs a logo, website design, business card, or anything you can imagine, check out 99designs.

You can work with multiple designers at once to get a bunch of different ideas, or hire the perfect designer for your project based based on their style and industry specialization. It’s simple to review concepts and leave feedback so you’ll end up with a design that you’re happy with. Click this link and get a free $99 upgrade.

This podcast is also brought to you by WordPress, my go-to platform for 24/7-supported, zero downtime blogging, writing online, creating websites — everything! I love it to bits, and the lead developer, Matt Mullenweg, has appeared on this podcast many times.

Whether for personal use or business, you’re in good company with WordPress — used by The New Yorker, Jay Z, Beyoncé, FiveThirtyEight, TechCrunch, TED, CNN, and Time, just to name a few. A source at Google told me that WordPress offers “the best out-of-the-box SEO imaginable,” which is probably why it runs nearly 30% of the Internet. Go to WordPress.com/Tim to get 15% off your website today!


QUESTION(S) OF THE DAY: What was your favorite quote or lesson from this episode? Please let me know in the comments.

Scroll below for links and show notes…

SELECTED LINKS FROM THE EPISODE

  • Connect with Drew Houston:

Dropbox | Twitter

SHOW NOTES

  • What’s Drew’s Dr. Evil story? How did the boy become the man? [05:10]
  • And the mathlete voted most likely to start a company award goes to… [08:32]
  • World domination begins from a folding chair on the roof. [09:54]
  • How this engineer approached learning about the business world. [12:00]
  • Books instrumental in teaching Drew (and me) about the nuts and bolts of business. [17:23]
  • The books Drew would assign as required reading if he were teaching a class on starting a business from an engineering background. [20:39]
  • What does OPP mean for Drew, and what concept would Bill Gates and Warren Buffet agree is the best way to overcome this? [31:51]
  • Drew’s best practices for cutting through email and managing time like Peter Drucker and Dwight D. Eisenhower. [36:36]
  • How adopting No Meetings Wednesday proved transformative for Drew and his crew. [44:12]
  • Peter Drucker’s mason jar analogy for time management and Paul Graham’s separation of schedules for makers and managers. [47:06]
  • What steered Drew away from SAT prep and online poker as business models, and what fateful event sparked the idea that became Dropbox? [49:12]
  • Who is Paul Graham, and how did Drew first manage to catch his attention? [57:28]
  • How did Drew’s first meeting with Paul go? [1:04:47]
  • What was Drew’s self-talk on the humbling plane ride home? [1:07:41]
  • How did Drew manage to get his prerequisite co-founder in time to get a do-over interview with Paul? [1:08:33]
  • Now that Dropbox is one of Y Combinator’s most successful investment to date, does Drew ever remind Paul of their first meeting? [1:11:05]
  • What might have been Dropbox’s original name if it hadn’t already been taken, and the weird negotiations it took to secure dropbox.com as a domain. [1:12:24]
  • How Drew addressed legitimate concerns from early naysayers without letting the more negative feedback crush his soul. [1:26:02]
  • Why it’s important to constantly revise mental models of how the world works. [1:28:43]
  • Coping with self-doubt over meeting the expectations of investors who had more faith in how the business would scale up than he did. [1:31:35]
  • Why taking care of your body is ultimately more important than working 80-hour weeks. [1:35:53]
  • What Drew has learned from coaching — particularly the painful but rewarding 360 degree review process. [1:38:46]
  • Why Drew considers the Enneagram to be more useful than the Myers-Briggs personality typing system. [1:42:18]
  • Given the chance, why would Drew send his younger self a cheat sheet with a tennis ball, a circle, and the number 30,000? [1:44:28]
  • Parting thoughts. [1:49:46]

PEOPLE MENTIONED

Posted on: August 27, 2018.

Please check out Tribe of Mentors, my newest book, which shares short, tactical life advice from 100+ world-class performers. Many of the world’s most famous entrepreneurs, athletes, investors, poker players, and artists are part of the book. The tips and strategies in Tribe of Mentors have already changed my life, and I hope the same for you. Click here for a sample chapter and full details. Roughly 90% of the guests have never appeared on my podcast.

Who was interviewed? Here’s a very partial list: tech icons (founders of Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Craigslist, Pinterest, Spotify, Salesforce, Dropbox, and more), Jimmy Fallon, Arianna Huffington, Brandon Stanton (Humans of New York), Lord Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Ben Stiller, Maurice Ashley (first African-American Grandmaster of chess), Brené Brown (researcher and bestselling author), Rick Rubin (legendary music producer), Temple Grandin (animal behavior expert and autism activist), Franklin Leonard (The Black List), Dara Torres (12-time Olympic medalist in swimming), David Lynch (director), Kelly Slater (surfing legend), Bozoma Saint John (Beats/Apple/Uber), Lewis Cantley (famed cancer researcher), Maria Sharapova, Chris Anderson (curator of TED), Terry Crews, Greg Norman (golf icon), Vitalik Buterin (creator of Ethereum), and nearly 100 more. Check it all out by clicking here.

How to Grow Brain Cells to Improve Memory and Cure Mental Illness

Do you think that after a certain age we stop producing new cell brains?

Recent studies reveal that we continue growing brain cells during our entire lives. According to the neuroscientist, Sandrine Thuret, neurogenesis–the process in which new cells are generated in the brain, especially in the hippocampus–continues during adult life. In fact, it generates around seven hundred new neurons each day.

Thuret and her colleagues carried out a lab experiment when noticing that some patients were showing signs of depression after having undergone cancer treatments. The findings are especially interesting because the hippocampus is the area of the brain closely linked to learning, memory, and emotions. And the recent results “could help hunt for treatment for degenerative conditions such as Alzheimer’s and psychiatric problems.”

During the experiment, the group of neuroscientists also examined the consequences of blocking the generation of new neurons, and they realized that they were also blocking the efficacy of antidepressants. This led them to believe that the signs of depression in patients cured of cancer were there because the cancer drug had stopped the new neurons from being generated.

This fascinating study shows the possibilities of neurogenesis in curing specific mental illnesses and improving our memory and learning potential. The following four behaviors and activities are recognized by this group of neuroscientists to help increase neurogenesis:

1. Learning and Staying Curious

Cognitive stimulation increases the generation of new neurons in the hippocampus. It is important to keep the mind engaged and you can do so through the following:

  • Learning new skills or languages
  • Interacting with other people
  • Traveling
  • Trying new things
  • Stepping outside of our comfort zones.

2. Running and Other Endurance Exercises

Recent discoveries show that “exercise stimulates the production of a protein called FNDC5 that is released into the bloodstream while we’re breaking a sweat.”

What’s more, “over time, FNDC5 stimulates the production of another protein in the brain called Brain Derived Neurotrophic Factor (BDNF), which in turns stimulates the growth of new nerves and synapses – the connection points between nerves – and also preserves the survival of existing brain cells.”

3. Less Stressful Lifestyles and More Regular Sex

Sleep deprivation and stress decrease the generation of new neurons in the hippocampus.

To help the stimulation of neurogenesis, it is essential to avoid a stressful lifestyle and practice regular sex. These two are actually connected because as many studies have found that when having sex, our brain gets a number of hormones including oxytocin (the bonding hormone), dopamine (the feel-good hormone) and serotonin (the serenity hormone).

Our brain shares these feelings with the rest of the body and acts as a powerful mood-enhancer, increasing our sense of relaxing and freeing ourselves from stress.

4. Foods for Neurogenesis

According to neuroscientists, diet, certain foods, and the intake of flavonoids and Omega-3 fatty acids also increase neurogenesis. You can find flavonoids in sources such as dark chocolate, blueberries, and red wine (among others). Omega-3 fatty acids are present in some oily fish such as salmon, black cod, sablefish, sardines, and herring.

Science shows that eating habits also influence neurogenesis. Reducing your caloric intake by 20-30% and practicing intermittent fasting helps generate new brain cells in the hippocampus.

According to further studies conducted in Japan, food textures can also make a difference. A diet of soft foods impairs neurogenesis, as opposed to food that requires chewing or crunchy food items. These findings could be particularly significant in regards to the aging population. Elderly people can show a decline in cognitive abilities because the weakening of teeth sometimes limits the chewing ability.

Overall, it is all good news. Our brain continues generating neurons during adult life. And, to a certain extent, we can boost the neurogenesis process through more relaxing lifestyles, and active minds and bodies. These and other small modifications of our diet benefit the production of brain cells, improving our memory, mood, and mental health.

Sources:

https://www.ted.com/talks/sandrine_thuret_you_can_grow_new_brain_cells_here_s_how/transcript?language=en#t-545336
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/apr/05/humans-produce-new-brain-cells-throughout-their-lives-say-researchers
https://www.opencolleges.edu.au/informed/features/improve-mood-memory-brain-cell-growth/
https://www.forbes.com/sites/daviddisalvo/2013/10/13/how-exercise-makes-your-brain-grow/#573ca6d8d1f9
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16299417
https://www.opencolleges.edu.au/blog
http://travelforfoodhub.com/author/mariaonzain/




Guide to Inspired Life

The Life Lessons and Success Habits of Four Presidents — Doris Kearns Goodwin (#335)

(Photo by Annie Leibovitz)

“If we think this is the worst of times, history will tell you, no, we’ve had more turbulent times before, and we got through them when you had the right leader fitted for the right time.”  — Doris Kearns Goodwin

Doris Kearns Goodwin (@DorisKGoodwin) is a biographer, historian, and political commentator who found her curiosity about leadership sparked more than half century ago as a professor at Harvard. Her experiences working for LBJ in the White House and later assisting him on his memoirs led to her first book, Lyndon Johnson and the American Dream. She followed up with the Pulitzer Prize-winning No Ordinary Time: Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt: The Home Front in World War II. She earned the Lincoln Prize for the runaway bestseller Team of Rivals, the basis for Steven Spielberg’s award-winning film Lincoln, and the Carnegie Medal for The Bully Pulpit, the chronicle of the friendship between Theodore Roosevelt and William Howard Taft.

Her newest book, Leadership: In Turbulent Times, examines how the four presidents she’s studied most closely — Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, FDR, and LBJ — found their footing. It goes all the way back to when they first entered public life and takes a look at the daily habits, tricks, and tools they used to navigate confusion, uncertainty, fear, and hope to establish themselves as leaders.

Enjoy!

Want to hear an episode with another spellbinding biographer?Listen to this interview with Walter Isaacson in which we learn life lessons and tactics from Steve Jobs, Ben Franklin, Leonardo da Vinci, and more. (Stream below or right-click here to download):


This podcast is brought to you by Audible. I have used Audible for years, and I love audiobooks. I have a few to recommend:

  1. Ready Player One by Ernest Cline
  2. The Tao of Seneca by Seneca
  3. The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman

All you need to do to get your free 30-day Audible trial is visit Audible.com/Tim. Choose one of the above books, or choose any of the endless options they offer. That could be a book, a newspaper, a magazine, or even a class. It’s that easy. Go to Audible.com/Tim or text TIM to 500500 to get started today.

This episode is also brought to you by Inktel. Ever since I wrote The 4-Hour Workweek, I’ve been frequently asked about how I choose to delegate tasks. At the root of many of my decisions is a simple question: “How can I invest money to improve my quality of life?” Or, “how can I spend moderate money to save significant time?”

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QUESTION(S) OF THE DAY: What was your favorite quote or lesson from this episode? Please let me know in the comments.

Scroll below for links and show notes…

SELECTED LINKS FROM THE EPISODE

  • Connect with Doris Kearns Goodwin:

Website | Twitter | Instagram | Facebook

SHOW NOTES

  • Doris talks about the greatest gift her father ever gave her. [08:04]
  • How Doris’ father coached her through disappointment and momentary lapses in self-confidence. [10:01]
  • Is it true that Doris was the first woman journalist allowed in the Red Sox locker room? [11:59]
  • How relaying the details of Brooklyn Dodgers games to her father helped Doris hone early storytelling chops and develop a love for history. [12:55]
  • Lessons learned from fellow historian Barbara Tuchman. [14:21]
  • On coaxing stories from her sick mother as a way to keep her young. [16:09]
  • What the best history teacher in New York state taught Doris. [17:12]
  • What steered Doris away from law and toward writing about dead presidents? [18:08]
  • Doris talks about her time working for LBJ — first at the White House and later on his ranch. [18:47]
  • What does Doris think LBJ saw in her? [23:02]
  • Why was Doris reluctant to work with LBJ full time, and what did she do when she wasn’t helping him with his memoirs? [25:25]
  • While she loved teaching, what made Doris give it up to become a full time writer? [28:19]
  • Did Doris have any moments of self-doubt in the 10-year span between her first and second book? How does she approach a new project? [29:35]
  • How did one of Doris’ books break somebody’s nose? [31:35]
  • What does Doris find most striking about Abraham Lincoln? [32:15]
  • Why does Doris believe temperament is the greatest separator in leadership? [36:23]
  • How does Doris interpret what Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. once said about FDR? [37:44]
  • How did Lincoln develop the uncanny ability to turn opponents into friends? [38:50]
  • The importance of bringing people near us who can argue and question our assumptions. [42:22]
  • How does Doris consciously surround herself with people who have wildly divergent opinions and perspectives to speak truth to her? [43:29]
  • How does Doris suggest that such a group of people might have civil discourse about potentially polarizing topics without the conversation devolving into a shouting match? [46:26]
  • Historical examples of early mistakes, weaknesses, or roadblocks experienced by presidents and how they were overcome. [48:36]
  • How might someone gain the broader perspective to see the world through someone else’s eyes? [53:18]
  • What is the importance of a first lady? [57:24]
  • Are there any presidents or leaders Doris feels have been underrated? [59:52]
  • The time Doris tried to make a corrupt bargain with then-President Clinton. [1:01:21]
  • The anger management rituals of Abraham Lincoln and FDR in contrast to LBJ’s less subtle (and less effective) technique. [1:02:17]
  • Doris talks about the first time she got a phone call from Barack Obama to talk about Lincoln, and what Hillary Clinton said to her upon becoming Secretary of State. [1:05:43]
  • How the experiences of past leaders influence the decisions and expectations of the leaders who come later. [1:07:50]
  • What Teddy Roosevelt could teach us all about overcoming procrastination. [1:10:39]
  • What Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and FDR could teach those of us in the 21st century about the importance of carving out time for relaxation and replenishment even during times of crisis. [1:11:30]
  • How the White House became the most exclusive residential hotel of World War II. [1:13:51]
  • As a busy person herself, what routines or tools does Doris use to rejuvenate or decompress herself? [1:16:07]
  • How one of FDR’s anxiety-busting exercises led to a solution for Britain’s supply problem prior to official US involvement in WWII. [1:18:15]
  • FDR’s twist on counting sheep to fall asleep. [1:20:07]
  • How thinking about Teddy Roosevelt’s attitude toward an election helps Doris when she finds herself worrying about her own mortality. [1:20:47]
  • Doris shares her husband’s optimism, enthusiasm, and hope even in the face of his battle with cancer. [1:21:33]
  • What inspired Doris to put the time and energy into writing her latest book? [1:25:02]
  • The lodestar that kept Abraham Lincoln from succumbing to suicidal depression. [1:27:20]
  • How the fatalism Teddy Roosevelt adopted after losing his wife and mother on the same day led him to follow a more spontaneous life. [1:28:52]
  • The insight, humility, and compassion that FDR’s struggle with polio and paralysis instilled in him. [1:29:52]
  • The near fatal heart attack that set LBJ back on a path of purpose he’d nearly forgotten. [1:31:46]
  • Case studies examining pivotal moments in these leaders’ histories. [1:33:02]
  • Where does ambition come from? [1:33:39]
  • Recommended bedtime mysteries and meeting John Grisham. [1:35:44]
  • Parting thoughts. [1:37:18]

PEOPLE MENTIONED

Posted on: September 7, 2018.

Please check out Tribe of Mentors, my newest book, which shares short, tactical life advice from 100+ world-class performers. Many of the world’s most famous entrepreneurs, athletes, investors, poker players, and artists are part of the book. The tips and strategies in Tribe of Mentors have already changed my life, and I hope the same for you. Click here for a sample chapter and full details. Roughly 90% of the guests have never appeared on my podcast.

Who was interviewed? Here’s a very partial list: tech icons (founders of Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Craigslist, Pinterest, Spotify, Salesforce, Dropbox, and more), Jimmy Fallon, Arianna Huffington, Brandon Stanton (Humans of New York), Lord Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Ben Stiller, Maurice Ashley (first African-American Grandmaster of chess), Brené Brown (researcher and bestselling author), Rick Rubin (legendary music producer), Temple Grandin (animal behavior expert and autism activist), Franklin Leonard (The Black List), Dara Torres (12-time Olympic medalist in swimming), David Lynch (director), Kelly Slater (surfing legend), Bozoma Saint John (Beats/Apple/Uber), Lewis Cantley (famed cancer researcher), Maria Sharapova, Chris Anderson (curator of TED), Terry Crews, Greg Norman (golf icon), Vitalik Buterin (creator of Ethereum), and nearly 100 more. Check it all out by clicking here.