This Is Why People Should Be Afraid Of You, Based On Your Myers-Briggs Personality Type

Note: We all know that it’s easy to highlight our positive and healthy aspects, especially since these are the qualities we strive to use more often in our daily lives. So keep in mind this isn’t necessarily a reflection of what each type does, but a reflection of what each type is capable in its most unhealthy state. Not everyone in these types will do these things to you, so don’t freak out too much.

ENFP: You are capable of detaching and disappearing like it’s absolutely nothing. Even to the ones who would consider themselves closest to you. Though you can be as loyal and caring as they come, the moment you perceive a greater opportunity elsewhere or lose interest, you are capable of disappearing without looking back. It wouldn’t be completely out of the question for you to be in someone’s life one day, and completely disregard them the next. And that can leave people confused and uncertain since they honestly believed they could trust you.

ENTP: You are capable of learning what gets under a person’s skin and/or their deepest insecurities, and will use it against them. You have a knack for learning things about other people they usually don’t want anyone to know. This may not be a bad thing unless you are trying to get something from someone or become angry with them, as this knowledge can easily be used as a weapon and you will most likely do it without giving any thought or concern on how it will affect the other person.

INFP: You create idealized versions of people in your mind, and completely lose it when they don’t match up to the reality. You tend to see, and sometimes even create, the best in people. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can quickly go south the moment that the reality of the person doesn’t meet your imaginative expectations, and this can cause you to snap on a person for not being “who you thought they were.” This causes people to feel anxious around you, and possibly afraid of never living up to your expectations, which can be terrifying to someone who truly cares for you and wants to make you happy.

INTP: Everything to you is an experiment and you don’t care too much about the consequences of your actions. To you, most things in life are very simple when you get down to it—very cause and effect. You tend to get so caught up inside your own mind that you may ignore the people around you, or worse, neglect them in other ways without caring about whatever emotional state it might leave them in and that can have devastating consequences to the ones who choose to be close to you.

ESFJ: You will do anything for attention. And I mean anything. You are known for going out of your way to help others, and while at times this might be simply from the goodness of your heart, sometimes you can’t deny that you really want people to reciprocate the kind of adoration and attention you lavish on others and in your worst moments, you will do just about anything if it gets you the attention you’re craving, whether it’s good or bad. Sometimes this might end up with you putting yourself in danger, or even spilling someone’s secrets to get the things you want, but either way, it’s not pretty.

ISFJ: You have the ability to become so loyal to something or someone, you’ll die for it. Even if it’s not always on the right side of things. You are one who loves tradition and when everything falls into place the way you think it should. And there isn’t anything wrong with that, really. However, if you choose to place your loyalty in anyone or anything, you will absolutely devote yourself to it without thinking twice. This kind of commitment and loyalty is great, but can also go south quickly if the thing/person you’re so dedicated to turns out to be on the wrong side of the problem. You would rather try to keep the peace than allow anything to disturb your carefully curated world, and your blinders to the aftermath can cause an awful situation all around if you’re not careful.

ESTJ: You believe you are always right, and anyone who says otherwise is beneath you and a threat to your ideals. Truth be told, you tend to believe that your way is the correct way—the only correct way for that matter. When someone else presents a different point of view or different course altogether, you can’t fathom why someone would dare to choose a different course, and it causes you to view them as beneath you. This could result in arrogance at best, yet could also lead to you feeling personally attacked since the person isn’t lining up with your ideas/beliefs, and you will not hesitate to put them in their place by absolutely any means necessary.

ISTJ: Your high standing principles and love of your family can cause you to become overwhelmingly and threateningly protective. You love tradition, family, and morality—very few can truly fight you on this. This isn’t a bad thing, yet can easily get out of hand if you feel someone is threatening you, your ideals, or your family, or even some combination of the three. You’re typically reserved and careful with your reactions, but this doesn’t mean you won’t do whatever it takes to protect the things you consider most important and crossing that line with you won’t end well for anyone on the opposite side.

ENFJ: You are able to manipulate others to agree with and fulfill your vision of what is “best”, and if they don’t, you will act kindly to their face while completely destroying them behind their backs. At your best, you love to help and nurture people to become their best possible self, Yet at your worst, you can have a blind tunnel vision about what really is “best for everyone” and your ability to read a room and cause people to open up to you can become a catalyst for you steamrolling your way over anyone to achieve that specific goal that you’re so certain of. In the process, this can cause you to sacrifice some people and their well-being for the good of the group, and that can lead to devastating consequences.

INFJ: You’re obsessive, to an unhealthy degree. Your admiration and loyalty—whether it be to a person, idea, or cause—can be rivaled by very few people in this world. However, this devotion can easily translate into overwhelming obsession and the limits on where it stops become easily blurred and even eradicated altogether. Though paying attention and doting on someone isn’t really a bad thing, once you’re obsessed with something/someone, you won’t let anything stand in your way or get between you, and the potential outcomes of this is something worth being afraid of.

ESTP: You will seek the thrill at any cost, to yourself or to others, even if it means taking incredibly dangerous/fatal risks. Let’s be honest, there is this big part of you that loves the rush. It’s part of why people enjoy being around you and embarking on your crazy adventures. Yet sometimes, with people like you who have done and seen so much in the world, it can feel more difficult to reach that kind of excitement again and it can potentially cause you to engage in risky behaviors in order to achieve it.

ISTP: You are willing to be completely and totally alone and you’re not afraid to do whatever it may take to keep anyone from trying to become involved in your life. Some people might say that no one truly wants to be alone, but you would be the one to debate that. While you may be okay with having a select few people in your life, overall there is an aching part of you that is more than content on being alone for the rest of your life. Sometimes this means that if someone starts invading on your personal space, be it physical or emotional, you are quick to shut them out, and you don’t mind doing what it takes to keep them there even becoming cold, harsh, and brutal towards them for no real reason.

ESFP: You are determined to be in the spotlight, and anyone who might potentially upstage you is an immediate threat. You aren’t afraid to do what it takes to ensure that doesn’t happen. You’re definitely a performer, in more than just one aspect. You want people to like you and you want to entertain them, and you’re very good at achieving both of those things. However, when someone else swoops in and upstages you, it’s not something you take lightly and you aren’t afraid to lash out or do whatever may be necessary to make sure that spotlight keeps shining down on you.

ISFP: You’re in a constant swing of emotions depending on the moment, and you’ll absolutely lose it if people can’t keep up with/understand you. You’re an artist and a misunderstood one at that. While part of you might thrive on people not fully “getting” you, there also is a part that absolutely desires those close to you to know exactly what you’re thinking/how you’re feeling. This wouldn’t be such a task if you weren’t constantly changing emotional states AND difficult to read at the same time. This can cause you to lash out or completely lose your temper with those who aren’t on the same page as you, and it can be frightening to be on the receiving end of the anger from someone as passionate as you are.

ENTJ: You are perfectly fine with destroying anyone who stands in the way of your goals. Let’s be honest, you’ve never been one to pride yourself on being emotionally compassionate. You tend to look at people’s strengths and weaknesses, and use those to achieve the goals your aspiring to. While this can be great if used correctly, it also can go south when you deem someone completely useless if they are preventing your goals and desires from taking place and you won’t hesitate to lacerate them with harsh words or even actions to remove what you view as the “obstacle” from your end goal, and the people who are unfortunate enough to end up in that position won’t walk away unscathed.

INTJ: You are so convinced you’re so intellectually above everyone else that you don’t mind to wear them down into nothing if it’s for the good of your cause. Look, we know you’re insanely intelligent—no one would dare debate that with you. And truth be told, we know that you’re usually the smartest person in the room most of the time. However, you have a tendency to look down on those who you believe are less intelligent than you (read: pretty much everyone). This tends to be annoying at best, yet can quickly get worse if you feel those people are holding you back from learning or achieving the next step towards your idea or plan because you won’t think twice about belittling or wearing down a person to their core, whether this be mentally or emotionally, to remove them from the picture. Most people won’t see it coming due to how subtle you can be about it, but it doesn’t take long before the person feels completely worthless and inadequate, and that is easily a reason to be wary of being too close to you. TC mark

“I Just Have to Choose to Notice the Good and Allow Myself to Enjoy It.”

Interview: Lisa Kohn.

Lisa Kohn had a challenging childhood. Her mother was a member of the Unification Church, founded by Sun Myung Moon, and her father was part of the life of New York City’s East Village in the 1970s. She was caught between two wildly different worlds, and this shaped the way she saw the world, herself, and other people.

She’s written a memoir of her experience, and how she found the resiliency to surmount the difficulties in her upbringing, in to the moon and back: a childhood under the influence.

I couldn’t wait to talk to Lisa about happiness, habits, and productivity.

Gretchen: What’s a simple habit or activity that consistently makes you happier?

Lisa: As simple as it might sound, when I actively, intentionally practice mindfulness in a way that makes me notice things that are soothing or joy-creating for me, I am happier. By that I mean when I actively look for the yellow birds that I love – each time I see them I am happier. When I pause and notice the breeze on my skin, or the beautiful day, or the flowers around me, I am happier. When I throw myself into the moment – as I exercise or talk with friends or laugh and play, etc. – any and all of this can consistently make me happier. I just have to choose to notice the good and allow myself to enjoy it.

Gretchen: What’s something you know now about building healthy habits or happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

Lisa: When I was 18 years old, I didn’t even know that I was unhappy, and I didn’t know that I deserved to be, and could be, happy. Because I was raised in a cult – as a Moonie – and 18 was about the age when I started to pull away from the cult, there wasn’t a lot of happiness in my life (or mind or heart) at that point. It took years for me to realize that I could be happy and to figure out ways to allow myself happiness. (I also didn’t know that, at least for me, self-love and self-compassion are at the root of allowing myself happiness and being happy.)

Gretchen: Do you have any habits that continually get in the way of your happiness?

Lisa: I wouldn’t say that I have habits, as in something I do or don’t do every day, but I do have negative thought patterns, or thought habits, that get in the way of my happiness. I can be be a worrier and filled with irrational fears. I can be a people pleaser and lose myself in panic that others will be upset or disappointed. I can push myself too hard and be too strict and rigid with myself. All of these thought patterns get in the way of my happiness. (And all of them are at least somewhat manageable when I go back to questions #1 and 2 and allow myself happiness and find moments and mindfulness that will ease my negative thought patterns.)

Gretchen: Which habits are most important to you? (for health, for creativity, for productivity, for leisure, etc.)

Lisa: I have a number of habits that are most important to me. My physical health habits – I exercise in some way nearly every day. I run, practice yoga, lift weights, and move as much as I can. My mental and emotional health habits – I practice yoga roughly three times per week, and I meditate nearly every day. I also make time to sit, notice, practice mindfulness, etc., and I make time for family and friends, because I love to be connected with and to people.

Gretchen: Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit—or to break an unhealthy habit? If so, how did you do it?

Lisa: I am proud of the fact that I meditate regularly – generally every day. However, the way I was able to build that habit is, perhaps, a bit different from the norm. Because I was raised in unstable environments, I became a very rigid rule follower. (I also believe that is related to my anorexia when I was younger.) In order to build a meditation habit, I had to allow myself to meditate “my way” – not to follow set rules or strict guidelines. I’ve sat quiet at times, sat quiet with a timer at times, sat quiet with a cup of tea at times, and sat quiet with an app making “white noise” in the background, but in all of these, I’ve allowed myself to not be too rigid. If I get rigid, then I worry that my meditation didn’t count, because I somehow did it “wrong.” Allowing myself space and the possibility that there was no right or wrong way to meditate helped me to build my meditation practice/habit.

Gretchen: Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger

Lisa: I am clearly an Upholder. I think I was more of an Obliger and also a bit of a Rebel for a while (most likely when I left the Moonies), but I do keep my promises to myself and to (most) others. [Note: from her description of herself in her answers, I wonder if Lisa is actually an Obliger who has figured out ways to meet inner expectations.]

Gretchen: Does anything tend to interfere with your ability to keep your healthy habits? (e.g. travel, parties)

Lisa: I have let travel and others’ expectations and needs get in the way of keeping my habits, but I’ve learned to make my habits my priority, because I am so much happier and better when I do.

Gretchen: Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.?

Five years ago I was knocked to my knees with insomnia, for longer than I care to admit. I fought it, long and hard, but finally reached a point where I accepted what was and decided that if the rest of my life was going to be just lying on a couch every day, because that was all that I could physically, mentally, and emotionally do, than I was going to be okay with that, and I was going to find a way to be happy, no matter what. The experience changed – and loosened – some of my rigidity and perfectionism/self-non-acceptance.

Gretchen: Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful? Or a particular book that has stayed with you?

Lisa: I did thoroughly enjoy The Happiness Project. (I’m not just saying that – I kept thinking, “yes, yes.”) Two books that helped me move on most recently are The Gifts of Imperfection (Brene Brown) and Radical Acceptance (Tara Brach). The saying I repeat to myself the most now, when I’m afraid or anxious or hard on myself, is “I choose love.” It eases my heart and mind. I read this anonymous quote years ago in O, and it stayed with me – “When you die God and the angels will hold you accountable for all the pleasures in life that you denied yourself.” And although it’s not a motto or saying, I’ve found that putting my hand on my heart is very, very soothing.

Gretchen: Tell me about your new memoir.

My memoir is entitled to the moon and back: a childhood under the influence. It tells my story of growing up in the Moonies (and also in the sordid East Village scene in the 1970s) and gives a glimpse into how I learned that I deserved happiness…and how I could find or build it.

The Three Non-Negotiable Do’s And Don’ts Of Self-Care

We all know self-care is the newest fade. AND it’s not a bad thing, we all need it and it’s about time the world realized the necessity for taking care of others also involves taking care of thyself. With this post, we’re going to keep it simple and discuss 3 ways to do and 3 ways to not do self-care.

1. Do take time alone to process feelings. We can do this a multitude of ways such a listening to soothing music, journaling, exercising, and of course talking to friends to name a few. A lot of people skip over taking a pause and getting in tune with what’s going on with them. Avoidance of how you’re feeling isn’t taking care of yourself or protecting yourself as I’ve heard clients say. It’s really just delaying the inevitable. Suppressing these emotions does damage to the body as a lot of us know and these emotions at times come out in odd ways at times. I won’t lecture you, I have a knack for that BUT all I’m saying is pop a squat and commit to knowing and validating your feelings

2. Do ask for help when you need it. Self-care isn’t just about the self as it states it can be knowing when you need to reach out. Also, knowing what kind of help you need. Does this mean talking with a friend or possibly investing in a therapist? This could also mean investing in medication management or checking yourself into the hospital for some time. Acknowledge that something isn’t right is a part of taking care of yourself. If you had the flu you wouldn’t think twice about reaching out for help, this is no different.

3. Do things that make you feel good. Dancing, singing, writing, all the things that put even a half-smile on your face. Papa always says when you look good you feel good, well I think I look pretty good with a smile on my face so I’m going to commit to keeping it there.

1. Don’t use self-care as a reason to buys things you can’t afford. That will create an even bigger issue…trust me. AND your problem will still be there after you buy the thing…can you believe that? I had this habit bad, I’d always want to eat when I had a bad day and it wasn’t like Wendy’s like I wanted to go out to dinner get whatever I wanted and as soon as I was done eating it was like…..the problem still remains. I’ve figured out how I’m better off just dealing with whatever’s bringing me down whether directly or emotionally.

2. Don’t think self-care is just about bubble baths and candles, that’s part of the deal but its bigger than that. Using relaxing things such as bubble baths and candles is good for the senses and I’ve indulged in these things. BUT we can’t forget that it doesn’t always do the trick to solve the issue at hand. This is what I would call a distraction technique, distancing yourself from the problem by using relaxation… just don’t forget to come back to the problem and cope with it.

3. Don’t be embarrassed to put yourself first and tell people you need a break from socializing or you need to cancel plans. Keep that corny thought in your head “Can’t help you if I can’t help me.” I strictly function on quotes so this one as simple as it is, gets me every time! TC mark

The Happiest Couples Have Been Through A Rough Patch

The Happiest Couples Have Been Through A Rough Patch

The happiest couples are not the ones still stuck in the puppy love phase. They are not the ones who believe everything is perfect and their person can do no wrong. They are not the ones who walk around without a care in the world because their relationship has only been sunshine and roses so far.

The happiest couples are the ones who have been through rough patches and survived. The ones who suffered through real problems, but instead of letting those problems destroy the relationship, they found a way to become stronger. To grow as a team. To talk through their issues and come to compromises.

The happiest couples are not always happy. Sometimes they get frustrated with each other. Sometimes they do not want to be in the same room as each other. Sometimes they let their anger get the best of them.

At the end of the day, the happiest couples are not blinded by their love for each other. They are well aware of flaws. They have seen the darkest sides of each other. They have stood together through the worst of times.

The happiest couples have seen each other cry buckets of tears over family issues and work stress. They have been in intense arguments over the stupidest of things — but they have never crossed over a boundary. They have never said something unforgivable. They have never reached a point of no return.

Even when they were mad at each other, even when they had more fight left in them, they still wanted a hug. They still wanted to cuddle. They wanted to forget the fight ever happened and move passed it as soon as possible because the other person mattered to them more than whatever they were fighting about.

The happiest couples are realists. They are not living in a fairy tale. Their expectations are not unreasonable. They love each other, they cherish each other, but they do not place each other on pedestals because they are only human. They do not expect their person to be perfect. They only expect their person to try their best.

The happiest couples have been through a rough patch or two. They could have called it quits after their loudest arguments and parted ways, but they chose to stick out the relationship. They chose to take the harder route and fix things. They chose to continue loving each other even though it would have been easier to walk away.

The happiest couples know what it’s like to fight — but they also know what it’s like to reconnect. They are good listeners. They are mature. They are experienced in the art of saying sorry and offering forgiveness.

Even though it might seem like new couples who haven’t had their first fight yet are the ones with the biggest smiles on their faces, the couples who have been together forever, the ones who have complete trust in each other, the ones who believe they can make it through anything together, are the happiest of all. TC mark

Note To Self: You Deserve To Heal

Dear you,

The reader. The person behind the screen who’s suffering unimaginable pain unnoticed by those around her. The person who needs to know that someone is listening to her. The person who feels lost, scared, and unsure of what her future holds.

This is for you.

You deserve love.

You deserve to feel something so powerful. You deserve to wake up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. You deserve to see the sunset sitting across from the love of your life. You deserve a gentle love; the love you’ve searched for your entire life.

You deserve self-love.

No one can love you like you can. Just think about it. All the times you’ve survived, all the struggles you’ve faced, all the pain you’ve fought through: you were on your own. You weren’t fighting for someone else, you were fighting for you. You have so much love for yourself, or else you wouldn’t have put up such a fight. Take the time to show yourself how thankful you are.

You deserve the best.

You deserve everything this world has to offer, to experience everything beautiful you’ve ever dreamed of. Life isn’t just in storybooks, darling, it’s out there. Be present.

You deserve to get better.

You deserve to free yourself from the chains your body has placed over you. You are more than what you face. In fact, you are better and stronger for it. You are brave, and brilliant, and everything you ever do in this life will be thanks to all the strength that your struggles have given you. You deserve to heal. Keep saying it until you mean it.

I did not deserve to be treated like I didn’t matter.

In fact, you deserve the opposite. You do matter. You matter so much that the world can’t find a lens powerful enough to view you. You are brighter than the stars, my love, and you do matter.

I did not deserve to be hurt, even by myself.

Say it over and over again until you mean it: I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be loved. TC mark

I Thought My Anxiety Would Leave Me Alone After High School

I Thought My Anxiety Would Leave Me Alone After High School

High school was the worst. I would do well on tests but my participation grade would ruin my high scores. I would struggle to pay attention in class because all of my focus was on whether or not the teacher would call on me without my hand raised. I would freak out if we were placed into groups for projects or if I was called up to the board to solve an equation or if I was chosen to read a paragraph aloud from my seat.

I couldn’t wait to graduate because I thought the adult world would be easier to maneuver. I thought the freedom would help. I thought my anxiety would ease up after high school — but it’s not something that is going to go away. It’s going to haunt me forever.

Now, I struggle with phone calls. Not only important ones with my boss that have the potential to make or break my career, but also phone calls to hair salons and pizza parlors. Phone calls to banks and dog groomers. It can take me hours to work up the courage to press dial. Sometimes I hang up as soon as I hear the ringing. Sometimes I convince whoever is nearby to do the talking for me.

Even though high school is over, I still experience the same anxiety I felt while sitting inside a crowded classroom. I get nervous at parties when people are clustered into groups and it feels like I am the only one not talking. I get nervous when approaching cashiers at the grocery store because there is a chance my credit card will get declined or my bags will tear or my change won’t be placed back into my wallet fast enough.

I have reached an age where I am technically considered an adult, but my anxiety makes me feel like a child. I feel like I should have outgrown my fears by now. I feel like my nervous habits make me come across as immature. I feel like I should have my shit together by now. But when I feel those things, I have to remind myself it is my anxiety talking. It is my anxiety tearing me down and telling me lies.

Unfortunately, my anxiety has not disappeared since high school ended. It has only revealed itself in new ways. And that is okay. That is not as uncommon as I think. So many other people are struggling with the same things as me. So many people are silently fighting similar battles.

Anxiety is going to follow me around for as long as I live, so I have to stop trying to outrun it. I have to accept it. I have to learn coping mechanisms for it. I have to stop hoping for a future where things are better and start learning how to put plans into place to make today better. I have to find a way to manage my anxiety because it is never going to go away on its own. TC mark

8 Reasons Why You Feel Intense Internal Resistance After Deciding To Change Your Life

Whenever you’re starting to incorporate small changes in your life for the better and to heal from an existential crisis, you inevitably experience resistance. Despite how often creative influencers talk about this when they’re starting to pursue the life of their dreams, resistance can happen to anybody, not just artists and entrepreneurs.

Resistance is traumatizing. It’s why you feel a formidable force within you and then suddenly fall into the depths of paralyzing self-destruction and anxiety. It’s why you experience long periods of feeling stuck and being unproductive shortly after you deliberately act upon your plans to become more productive. It’s why you go through alternating cycles and fluctuate between operating with an abundance mentality and a scarcity mentality. It’s why you ruthlessly battle yourself from within and do the things you don’t want to do and postpone the things that you truly desire for yourself, which makes you feel exhausted, defeated, and overwhelmed with fear of the future.

Here are 8 reasons why you face intense resistance right after you take actions to change your own life:

1. Your self-destructive yet pleasurable coping mechanisms are there because they serve to make you feel more comfortable and stay “safe,” so anything that undermines them makes you feel afraid and uncertain.

If you want to stop watching too much TV, eating too much comfort food, doing what other people are doing to avoid conflict, spending as a means of escapism, trying to make your life look better than it is, or staying in a dead-end job, your basic human self wants to keep you where you’re at and ensure that your desire to remain in your comfort zone supersedes your desire to venture into the unknown, realize your full potential, and take bold actions to move yourself towards something more fulfilling and lasting. Resistance is fueled by fear of what isn’t comfortable or predictable, and this is why you hold yourself back from achieving things that you have potential for and from living the life that you’re capable of creating.

2. After being used to going after what brings comfort and pleasure for so long, your mind perceives all unfamiliar changes as threatening.

Being productive, healthy, selective about what you bring into your life, and creative are things that feel uncomfortable because they do not offer instant gratification that the human brain craves. Most people stay small because they seek things that are easier to get and offer short-term pleasure, which is why they find it hard to stick to good habits and as a result, remain stuck in life. Lifestyle changes are rooted in the transcendent self – the self that desires self-actualization, radical honesty, seeking creative heights, and becoming more than what the animalistic self can be. Unfortunately, the average human does not operate this way naturally, so it can be difficult to escape from a lifestyle that puts short-term survival that feels comfortable over long-term evolutionary growth that feels uncomfortable.

3. You’ve been conditioned to compete with everyone else for superiority from a place of scarcity. You were raised to fear all alternative paths and imagine the worst possible outcome if you don’t do what’s expected of you and if you venture beyond what others tell you is realistic.

In high school, you did this by overexerting yourself to get the best grades in everything (since being a good student in a few subjects you like isn’t seen as sufficient enough) and do activities that you honestly didn’t care about just to look good for college admissions. In college, you probably did this by studying hard in a major that’s lucrative (regardless of your personal interests) to appease your parents. And now, you’re experiencing the pressure to rely on Corporate America to sustain you for 40+ years, and you still view everything else as a route to poverty and misery, even though super inspiring, self-motivated, and talented people around you prove that this isn’t true. You find it hard to change your mindset from scarcity to abundance.

4. You’re easily overwhelmed by the wide gap between your ideal lifestyle and your current one and find it difficult to reconcile the desire to change everything at once and the reality of changing a little bit at a time.

You want instantaneous results and beat yourself up for not exerting enough willpower to be where you want to be fast enough. You know there are many things you need to change in order to become the most ideal version of yourself – the one that’s always productive, relentlessly creative, resourceful, financially stable, and not dependent on an average job to pay the bills. Because there is such a large contrast between who you are now and who you want to become, you want to get your act together on the first try but you easily get discouraged when you don’t get results. That’s because you’re more concerned with how other people would perceive your life, so you become more self-conscious and unable to remain consistent.

5. You suffer from self-doubt and fear showing any form of incompetence, so you hold yourself back from trying new things and going after what you desire most, since you feel like you’re not qualified enough as you are now.

You postpone major plans and procrastinate on establishing new, healthier, and life-changing habits that you know are good for you simply because you think you aren’t capable or competent enough to maintain these things in a way that shows outward success. You think you need to cram in five years’ of progress into one week and become a totally new person right off the bat or else you don’t deserve to go after what you want.

6. Regardless of what your life situation is, you think you’re behind other people. Thus, you underestimate the power of small changes because seeing the long distance between where you are and where you think you should be causes you to feel discouraged and hopeless.

You experience difficulty in changing your life because you think it’s too late and believe that unless you root out all that is holding you back in one day, you really have no hope in building a lifestyle from the ground up. You also beat yourself up for not starting to change your life five years ago and are hung up on the regrets and mistakes you’ve made that led you to where you are now.

7. You confuse unrealistic standards with being effortless.

You might genuinely want to change your life so you can focus more on what brings you joy, but there is a part of you that wants acceptance and outward success, even in pursuing what you want in spite of opposition from others that think you’re a failure no matter what you do. You think that doing things effortlessly requires you to churn out more work than what is actually possible for you and be productive all the time, which causes you to feel guilty and believe that you’re undeserving of your greatest dreams, since you feel like you’re not productive enough – ironically, this causes you to be very unproductive, and fear keeps you in a cycle of putting off everything for the next day because you’re afraid of not doing it effortlessly on your first attempt.

8. Your mind is transfixed by the future, frozen in the past, and scattered in other people’s heads. Anywhere but the present.

You experience intense periods of resistance because you worry too much about the worst possible outcomes of the future. Likewise, constantly ruminating over what you’ve done in the past also holds you back from focusing on what you’re doing now. You also dwell too much in other people’s heads and repeatedly beating yourself over what they think of you and how they’d react to what you do with your life. This is why you are indecisive about the step you’re about to take and are easily overwhelmed with the number of options you have, and this is resistance’s greatest factor that makes you process a variety of illusions that are all fear-inducing, which causes you to feel stuck and unable to pursue the life that you want to create for yourself. TC mark

This Is What Terrifies You, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Aries (March 21st-April 19th)

Pushing others away/Losing People

You’re one stubborn person, and you and everyone you know is fully aware of it. Though you come off as a carefree, tough exterior kind of person, underneath is the terrifying thought that your brash attitude and hard-headedness will drive away the people you actually care about in your life and that you’ll lose out on ever keeping them in your life. It’s enough to scare you to death if you let it.

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th)

Change/Instability

You aren’t terrified of all change, but too much of it at one time is enough to set you on edge. Whether it’s relationally, financially, or professionally, you are sure to have an internal meltdown if things surrounding you feel unstable or change too much in a short time. It’s the kind of thing your nightmares are made of.

Gemini (May 21st-June 20th)

Not being able to express their true selves

You are as expressive as they come, and you love to dazzle people with your knowledge and skills in what seems to be every arena there is. Yet if you are placed in an environment that restricts you from being yourself to the fullest extent, or worse, an environment that causes you to believe you aren’t nearly as impressive as you thought you were, nothing could terrify you more than the possibility even remotely becoming a reality.

Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd)

Being rejected and ending up alone

No one loves to be in love as much as you do, and your hopeless romantic spirit is something to cherish. Yet we all know that as much as we’d love our happy ending, riding off into the sunset with our one true love, that this isn’t always the reality we end up with. Sometimes you allow your thoughts to wander over the idea that the person you’re infatuated with will reject you if you put yourself out there, and that you’ll eventually end up alone for the rest of your life. Even just the idea is enough to break your heart AND scare the hell out of you.

Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd)

Being ignored

Everyone loves you, and you love that they do. You’re as fearless and lovely as they come, so why wouldn’t people notice you? However, the terrifying thought that creeps up in the back of your mind sometimes is that your talents and attempts to entertain will go completely unnoticed. You worry that even if you disappeared from the spotlight, no one would care or even notice, and it’s enough to send you in a spiral if you dwell on it too long.

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd)

Not having control of their lives/thoughts/anything really

Most people would say that, realistically, you can’t have control over everything in your life. But you might be able to get them to take it back if they followed you around for a day. Sometimes everything in your life seems to do exactly what you plan for it to. However, the thing that terrifies you on a regular basis is the fear of not having control or losing it altogether. You like structure, and you know what’s best for yourself, so not being able to control your thoughts, feelings, or life in general really is what your nightmares are made of.

Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd)

Being backstabbed by someone they care about

You aren’t one to go back on your word once you’ve committed to something, and you hold your friends and partners to the same standard. So it’s understandable that one thing that absolutely terrifies you is someone completely betraying you, regardless of the reason. You wouldn’t dream of doing anything like that to someone you care for, and the possibility of anyone doing that to you is enough to cause all sorts of panic inside your mind.

Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st)

Vulnerability

On the surface, you are very calm, cool, and collected. You like to give off the vibe that you don’t really need anybody, but you know it’s just a front. You have such a wellspring of love and compassion under the surface, though very few people ever get to see it. The moment people start getting too close and cause you to want to open up, it’s enough to set you on edge, and your reflex is to run as quickly as you can in the opposite direction. Vulnerability doesn’t just make you uncomfortable, it’s what sends chills running down your spine.

Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st)

Being restricted/controlled

It seems the world is continuously calling your name to explore and see all it has to offer, something you’re more than happy to do. The thing that absolutely terrifies you is being restricted and not having the freedom to explore and do the things you want to do, on your own terms. The thought of you being put in that kind of situation honestly makes your skin crawl.

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th)

Experiencing failure

It’s hard to picture you not succeeding in what you do, especially considering how hard you work. Yet that is the exact thing that worries you constantly—that you’re going to fail, regardless of your best efforts to succeed. The idea that you could work harder than anyone, invest more time and resources, and still end up a failure? It’s a wonder you ever get any sleep at night.

Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th)

Being forced to live a conventional life

While some may worry that their lives will be thrown off kilter by change and abnormal situations, you worry about quite the opposite. You’re certainly one to march to the beat of a different drum, and that’s just the way you like it. Yet if you ever were forced to live what most would consider a “normal” or “conventional” life? Shivers go down your spine just reading that sentence.

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th)

Harsh criticism and Confrontation

You’re a sensitive soul, and it’s something many people appreciate about you. You would go out of your way to help anyone who asked for it, whether it’s a helping hand, an ear to listen, or a shoulder to cry on. Yet the thing that terrifies you is someone not only critiquing your efforts to help but doing so bluntly or harshly that doesn’t even take a moment to spare your feelings. You would rather avoid confrontation at any cost because even the scenarios that run through your mind are enough to scare you speechless, much less dealing with the real thing. TC mark

5 Ways To Be An Ally Even After LGBTQ+ History Month

people holding yellow, green, blue, and purple flag
Tristan Billet / Unsplash

June is Pride Month, but did you know October is LGBTQ+ History Month? It is. And even if you don’t identify as LGBTQ+, there are plenty of ways you can celebrate the month and beyond as an ally. All are welcome.

Being an ally isn’t as simple as just assigning yourself that label or going to Pride events, however. Allyship is accepting your privilege as someone who is not part of a marginalized group — and also accepting that you likely don’t fully understand the experience of someone who is. As Emery Vela, a GLSEN student ambassador, put it, “there is not a template for an ally that fits every queer person you meet, and each person will need something different from you.” Always remind yourself that every LGBTQ+ person is unique, and every LGBTQ+ person’s experience is unique. Never make assumptions, ask how you can help, and be as supportive as you can to a group that needs it in today’s political climate. After all, 1 in 5 LGBTQ+ people experience homophobia on a daily basis.

LGBTQ+ History Month is a great time to support LGBTQ+ individuals and work on being an ally, but it’s also something that is important to do year-round. Here are 5 ways to support the community this month and beyond.

1. Acknowledge LGBTQ+ History Month and all other important dates for the community

This might seem too obvious upon first reading it, but seriously, it’s important. Just acknowledging the fact that it’s happening is a form of support, and it can encourage others to show their support as well. This can be as simple as a tweet, a Facebook post, a conversation in the office, etc. If you aren’t sure what to write, find a great quote from an LGBTQ+ person, share an article, or, better yet, ask an LGBTQ+ friend what would mean most to them. LGBTQ+ history is part of everyone’s history, so let’s talk about it.

2. Read up on issues or just generally educate yourself

Even if you consider yourself well-educated about the current issues that the LGBTQ+ community faces, try to see if there’s something new you can learn. If you aren’t sure where to start, ask someone in the community what in society is concerning them most. Then, go learn about it. Alternatively, you can use the guide to Coming Out as a Supporter from the Human Rights Campaign as a starting point.

3. Donate to an LGBTQ+ cause

There are a lot of organizations in the United States and around the world doing amazing things for the LGBTQ+ community — and you can support them. The Trevor Project provides “crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning youth.” The Transgender Law Center “is the largest national trans-led organization advocating self-determination for all people.” CenterLink “develops strong, sustainable LGBT community centers and builds a thriving center network that creates healthy, vibrant communities.” You can also look for a local organization near you and see how you can support their efforts in your area.

4. Make purchases to support organizations or LGBTQ-owned businesses

This can take many forms, so it’s really up to you. You can look at the local chapters of the National LGBT Chamber of Commerce to find businesses certified as majority owned by LGBTQ+ individuals. Alternatively, you can make a purchase to support GLSEN, a K-12 focused organization, or purchase this wine that supports The Trevor Project.

5. Participate in a local event or get involved in an organization

Never feel like you can’t participate in an LGBTQ-focused event because you aren’t part of the community. Unless the description explicitly states that it’s meant for LGBTQ+ individuals only, you can always come to show your support at an event. Look for advertised happenings around your area or on Facebook, or look for a local organization to get involved in. PFLAG “is the extended family of the LGBTQ community. We’re made up of LGBTQ individuals, family members and allies. Because together, we’re stronger.” Find your local chapter and see how you can be an ally to their efforts.

Let’s celebrate LGBTQ+ History Month now as well as the LGBTQ+ community, no matter the month. TC mark

My Boyfriend Took Two Years To Say ‘I Love You’ And It Was Completely Worth The Wait

Last week, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time, after two and a half years of being together.

Most women would be shocked. Most women would have either questioned him a long time ago for not saying those words, or they would’ve taken control and been the ones to say them first, and probably gotten an “I love you too,” in return.

But not me.

Because I was waiting for him to open his heart and say them. I didn’t want to force those words out of him and hear them when he just wasn’t ready. But at some point along the way, I gave up waiting.

I wondered why he never said them, yes. Of course I did, I’m only human. But I never doubted he felt it.

And I empathize with him.

I understand that some of us find it difficult to say the words we mean. We’ve grown up with Dads who never said “I love you” to our Mums; or parents who never told us we were loved, as they tucked us into bed each night.

It didn’t mean they didn’t feel it.

It didn’t mean we felt unloved.

It didn’t mean much at all.

It was just the way things were.

So over the past two years, I just grew to accept that this was the way things were.

For whatever reason, he couldn’t say I love you, and even though my ego planted a seed of doubt inside my mind; deep down, my soul knew that this man loved the bones of me.

Finally last week, he told me.

He apologized for having not said it sooner.

And he has been saying it ever since.

So have I.

And if I’m being honest, I still struggle to say it. I’ve only said it to my parents a couple of times in my lifetime. I’ve never said it to a man – because I’ve never been in love, until now.

Sometimes my heart will swell and my veins will flood with love for this man, yet I find my mouth glued shut and my voice dies inside of me.

Sometimes, I’ll be sat meditating peacefully in a yoga class, and I’ll be overwhelmed with feelings of love for him.

Sometimes, I’ll be making us grilled cheese sandwiches in the kitchen, and something reminds me of how beautiful what we share is.

Sometimes, he’ll unlock our front door and move aside to let me walk through first, and I melt at his sweetness.

You see, there are so many times I feel tidal waves of love for this man, but something inside of me stops me from expressing it.

How could I possibly be frustrated at someone for not saying the words that I have been terrified to say my whole life?

And there’s the other part me that’s glad he waited.

So many people blurt those three words out with no understanding of what they mean. They say it because it feels good to make someone else happy. They say it because they want to believe they’re in love when they aren’t. They say it because they’re too afraid to be honest – with themselves, and with others.

Millions upon millions of people will say, “I love you,” today, but how many will mean it?

How many of those people will stand by their words, and match them with their actions?

I feel content knowing that I have never thrown those sacred words around without conviction, and neither has he.

What I wish to tell you is this:

You don’t need to rush to say those words. And you needn’t be afraid to say them when they stir within.

We waited more than two years to say I love you, and I’m okay with that.

It was worth waiting for. TC mark