Category: Latest News

Made Him Happy

I know a man who loves to knit.  Blankets, quilts, sweaters… he knits them all.  Knitting is his hobby, his love.  He could choose another hobby—something a bit more masculine, like restoring vintage cars or hunting.  But this man continues to stick with what makes him happy—knitting.  Because he discovered knitting when he was only a little boy who didn’t know any better.  And now, it’s a huge part of who he is.

As he grew into his teenage years he was made aware of the fact that knitting wasn’t a common hobby for a boy.  “Knitting is a hobby for girls or for boys who like to wear high heels,” his older brother used to say.  Over time, after being frequently ridiculed by his own family and others, he eventually asked himself a question:  “Are the opinions others have about knitting at all relevant to my experience of knitting as a hobby?”  And he immediately realized the answer was “No!”  So, he kept enjoying the hobby—the love—that made him happy.

Stories, Fears & Expectations

It’s fascinating how we make certain decisions in life.  Sometimes we follow our heart and intuition and we choose the thing that makes the most sense to us—that which makes us happy.  Other times we follow our fears and expectations, especially those spawned by the culture and society we live in, and we choose whatever we believe will most appease those fears and expectations—that which makes everyone else (or no one at all) happy.

The man who loves to knit remained open-minded and stuck to knitting even when he learned about the cultural and societal expectations that suggested he should give it up.  But he didn’t always carry forth with this same open-minded attitude.  For instance, he believed for as long as he could remember that he would someday find the perfect mate.  And he knew exactly what she would be like.

The story about her that he inscribed in his head when he was in his adolescence hasn’t changed much since.  Nor has it drastically changed since he told me a story about her just a few short months ago over a cup of coffee.  The beginning of the story goes something like this:

“I’ve always dreamed that someday I would meet the perfect mate.  She would be smart and classy, yet sexy and athletic.  And she would be a geek like me.  I wouldn’t care what her religious background was, so long as she had an open mind and an honest heart.  But she would have to be neat and tidy, because I’m not and I need someone who can balance me out.

And she would love to snuggle, like me.  Because I would want to hold her at night, and because we would need to be close so we could fool around and giggle and talk softly to each other.  We would talk about people, places, our lives and our future together for hours into the night.

And money wouldn’t matter to either of us because we’d be in love.  She’d know it and I’d know it, and we’d be happy with what we had…”

The stories we tell ourselves and each other sound remarkable, don’t they?  They romanticize us.  They sweep us off our feet.  They persuade us to believe that if we dive head first into a new relationship, a big financial purchase, greasy foods, imported beers, or whatever it is that temporarily pacifies our worried mind from reality, then we will somehow find what we are truly looking for.

Our obvious dilemma is that reality is not temporary.  Reality keeps on coming.  That new relationship will have our heart blissfully skipping beats until it doesn’t any longer.  That big financial purchase will be fun and exciting until it isn’t any longer.  Greasy foods and beer will comfort us… until they don’t any longer.

Free of Them

Although he still has a long way to go, the man who loves to knit is gradually becoming aware of the temporary, restrictive nature of the stories we tell ourselves.  Because the ending to his story about his perfect mate—the part that comes after the introduction I shared with you above—is about a real woman who was absolutely amazing, but who didn’t perfectly fit the mold of the woman from the story he inscribed in his head.  And he was unable to give up the perfect woman from his story for the amazing woman standing in front of him.  When she eventually realized this on a Saturday morning three weeks ago, she firmly moved on without him.

Although still a bit shaken up and heartbroken, the man is also starting to move on.  Day by day, he’s rediscovering his true self—the self he knew when he was younger, before he started telling himself stories, or buying into the stories, fears and expectations of those who lurk around him.  This self was a blank canvas, free to experience and appreciate everything just the way it is, without the burden of a storyline.

And as he slowly rediscovers himself, he struggles with the notion of life without a storyline.  Because he can barely remember what life was like when there was no story, no fears, no expectations.  But he knows deep down that he once lived in a world free of them.  And when he did, he discovered knitting and fell in love with it.  It became one of his greatest sources of happiness.  And he knows that if he wants to fall in love like that again, he must get back to that story-free world within himself where happiness is found.

A Wondrous Place

When I shared the story above with a small group of VIP attendees at our most recent Think Better, Live Better conference, a woman named Annie raised her hand and said (I’m sharing this with permission):

“The ‘story-free world.’  I love that!  I can honestly relate in the most profound way.

My husband suffered a head injury in 2014 that wiped away his long-term, lifetime memories.  He doesn’t remember anything before Summer of that year—including our past.  He did, however, know he loved me.  It was like an innate knowing.  The same as his passions, which have remained as they were before his injury, even though he couldn’t tell you anything about how he pursued them before 2014.

At 50-years-old, my husband has only four years of ‘stories,’ and I have seen this turn him into a very happy man.  He invents himself a day at a time.  He has a child-like quality (as in eagerness and appreciation) that is inspiring to be around.  I think he embodies the ‘story-free world,’ and I can attest to what a wondrous place it is.”

Then, as a group, we discussed Annie’s experience, and openly practiced questioning our own stories, and letting them go.  Here’s the basic gist of what we practiced together:

Letting Go of Your Story

(Note: This section is an excerpt from our NYT bestselling book.)

First and foremost, it’s important to understand that many of the biggest misunderstandings in life could be avoided if we simply took the time to ask, “What else could this mean?”  A wonderful and practical way to do this is by using a reframing tool we initially picked up from research professor Brené Brown, which we then tailored through our coaching work with students and conference attendees.  We call the tool The story I’m telling myself.  Although asking the question itself—“What else could this mean?”—can help reframe our thoughts and broaden our perspectives, using the simple phrase “The story I’m telling myself is” as a prefix to troubling thoughts has undoubtedly created many “aha moments” for our students and conference attendees in recent times.

Here’s how it works:  The story I’m telling myself can be applied to any difficult life situation or circumstance in which a troubling thought is getting the best of you.  For example, perhaps someone you love (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) didn’t call you on their lunch break when they said they would, and now an hour has passed and you’re feeling upset because you’re obviously not a high enough priority to them.  When you catch yourself feeling this way, use the phrase:  The story I’m telling myself is that they didn’t call me because I’m not a high enough priority to them.

Then ask yourself these questions:

• Can I be absolutely certain this story is true?
• How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?
• What’s one other possibility that might also make the ending to this story true?

Give yourself the space to think it all through carefully.  Challenge yourself to think differently!  The story I’m telling myself and the three related questions give you tools for revisiting and reframing the troubling or confusing situations that arise in your daily life.  From there, you can challenge the stories you subconsciously tell yourself and do a reality check with a more objective mindset.

This will ultimately allow you to let go of the stories that aren’t serving you and the people you love.

Now, it’s your turn to practice…

And, if you’re up to it, I’d love know:

What did you think of this blog post?

How does it relate to your story, and your life?

Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

Twenty years ago, I wrote an unsigned love poem to a girl I barely knew.  I told Brianna, among other things, that life was a blaze of magnificence, that she made it even brighter, and that someday I would spend every day with the prettiest girl in the world.

When she read the poem she got goose bumps, smiled from ear to ear, and daydreamed about the gentleman behind the poetic prose.  She showed it to her sister who sighed and said, “How romantic!  I wish someone would write me a poem like that.”  Then she showed it to her parents.  Her mom smirked, but her dad frowned and said, “Don’t waste your time on a foolish boy hiding behind a silly poem.”  Finally, she let her new boyfriend read it.  In a grim voice he said, “Let me know when you find out who wrote it, because I’d like to give him a piece of my mind!”

Despite reactions ranging from enthusiasm to aggravation, she kept the poem and still has it in her possession today, two decades later.  Her younger brother, Jose, recently found it neatly folded and tucked between two pages of an old photo album she keeps in her den.

I know all of this because Jose told me.  He and I met in school twenty years ago and we have been best friends ever since.  He was, frankly, the reason I wrote the poem.

A Second Glance

“Your sister is pretty,” I told Jose during my first visit to his home.

“Forget about it,” he said.  “Brianna has buff guys fighting for her affection every day.  You couldn’t hold her attention long enough to get a second glance.”

“I could if I wrote her a poem,” I replied.

“She has guys writing her romantic crap all the time,” he said.  “She’ll just toss it out with all the other failed attempts.”

“Not mine,” I insisted.

“You’re crazy,” he chuckled.  “Go ahead and try.  Make me laugh!”

I wrote the poem that evening and mailed it anonymously the next morning.

I Thought I Was Special

The poem I wrote Brianna wasn’t genuine, at least not in my mind.  I wrote it because Jose doubted me.  Sure, I thought Brianna was pretty, but I didn’t want to settle down with her.  At the time, I didn’t even know her.  And as it turns out, she and I have almost nothing in common.

The last genuine love poem I wrote went to a girl I met a month before I met Brianna.  She was on the varsity soccer team, and her beauty was majestic.  I wrote Sara a poem and slipped it into her locker the same afternoon.  I confessed my desire to be a soccer ball, and risk being kicked around, if it was the only way I could catch her attention.  She caught up with me the next morning and told me I didn’t need to transform into a soccer ball to catch her attention.  I asked her out on a date a few minutes later.

Our first date went well.  But the next afternoon Sara spoke to a few of her teammates, two of which I had previously dated.  She was appalled when she found out that I had written Jackie a poem about innocent kisses blown her way in the breeze, and Carol a poem about the lucky sunshine that glistens off her skin.  Needless to say, a second date was not in our future.

“Stupid me!  When I read the poem you wrote me, I actually believed you were being sincere!  I thought I was special,” Sara screamed!

“I was… and you are,” I mumbled as she stomped away.

But Sara had a point.  Although I had never summoned the desire to be a soccer ball in any of my previous poems, I did use similar analogies that carried the same fundamental message of flirtatious affection.

I wasn’t trying to hurt her.  I thought she was gorgeous.  I thought she carried herself with amazing grace.  I wanted to be around her.  I wanted to be hers.  She was the most perfect girl in the entire world… and I felt this way a hundred times before.

No Two Words Would Rhyme

Roughly six months after I met Brianna, I met Angel.  I realized shortly thereafter that she moved me in a way the others had not.  I couldn’t consciously pinpoint it, but I knew our relationship felt special.  Even after the initial excitement fatigued, she kept me captivated in awe.  I was wide awake in the second inning for the first time in my life.

Angel and I have been together for nineteen years now—we’ve been through a lot together—and I appreciate her more and more with each passing day.  Yet despite my love for her, she’s never received a love poem.

It’s not that I haven’t tried.  I tried, once, to write her a poem about the depth and beauty of her hazel-green eyes.  I stumbled over my words.  Another time I tried to write her a poem about the mornings I wake up early just to watch her sleep.  I failed again.  And just last month I tried to write her a poem entitled “Amidst an Angel.”  But no two words would rhyme.

Nineteen years and not a single love poem written.  Of course, Angel knows I love to write, so she has occasionally questioned my motives for never writing her a romantic piece.

Yesterday evening I found myself trying again.  I tried to poetically recreate the story of our first encounter.  I wanted to make it cute.  I wanted to make her smile.  I wanted to make her cry.  I wanted to typify our tale in exquisite prose.  Nothing came.

The Most Profound Affirmation

I fell asleep around midnight last night thinking about my predicament.  Have I completely lost my touch?  Has someone cast an evil spell on me?  Or is there a more profound, philosophical explanation?

Zzzz…

I dreamt I was sitting at round table in a dimly lit room.  There was a man sitting across the table from me.  He looked a lot like me, only his hair was silver and his skin was worn.

“I’m here to answer your question,” he said.

“What question?” I asked.

“The one you’ve been asking yourself for almost two decades,” he replied.

“What’s wrong with me?” I huffed.  “Why can’t I write Angel a love poem?”

“Perhaps you can’t write her a love poem because you realize, subconsciously, that leaving it unwritten is the most profound affirmation of love you can make.  Because you truly do love her, and true love cannot be translated into words.  Because words alone could never do her any justice.”

I nodded in agreement.

He went on, “The sad truth, of course, is that this affirmation of true love will always remain unnoticed.  Because there is no visible output to notice—no poem to read.”

My eyes popped open.

Inspired to Write

It was 4:30 AM, but I was wide awake and inspired to write about the epiphany I had in my dreams.  I leaned over, kissed Angel on the forehead, and rolled out of bed.  I powered on my laptop and opened the word processor I use for blogging.  After gazing at the blank white screen for several minutes, I placed my fingers on the keyboard and titled the page:

The Unwritten Love Poem: Why True Love is So Hard to Express

. . .

Afterthoughts & Questions

Why did I just share that story with you?

Because doing so helps remind me.

And, I know you need a reminder sometimes too.

Sometimes we all need to be reminded of the beauty and sweetness of truly loving someone without the forced glitz, glam, and airbrushing of the Instagraming world we live in.  Because it’s so easy to forget.  It’s so easy to see the fairy-tale highlight reel of staged romance that scrolls across our screens, and feel inadequate by comparison.

We need to remind ourselves that loving someone—truly and profoundly loving them—isn’t about crafting the perfect love poem, photographing the perfect internet kiss, or showing off in any way; it’s about showing up every day behind closed doors to quietly respect and support someone who means the world to us.

Do you agree?

Do you feel like your love is hard to accurately express?

Do you have your own “unwritten love poem” pulsing through your heart and mind?

I know this blog post is a little different, but I’d love to know what you think.

Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

An Epiphany

Imagine for a moment the year is 2000 B.C. and you’re a fisherman living along the coast of what is now Southern Europe.  Like any other morning, you’re fishing when suddenly a powerful burst of energy enters your body.  It creates a tingling sensation in your fingertips, a flutter in your heart and warmth in your belly.  You know it’s not anxiety or a heart attack because it feels comforting and fulfilling.

You put your fishing pole down and sit at the water’s edge.  You reach down and splash a handful of cool water up onto your face.  It is here, in this quiet moment, that you have an epiphany.  And while you are unable to explain how or why this epiphany is coming to you now—you haven’t done anything out of the ordinary to receive it—its message is crystal clear:

The Earth is not flat.  The Earth is a sphere.  You can visualize it revolving around the sun in a predictable orbital pattern.  These visualizations also reveal that the Earth is part of a solar system of eight planets separate from other stars in the night’s sky and that these other stars follow similar predictable patterns of movement.  There is a whole uncharted universe out there that nobody else is aware of.

Once the magnitude of your epiphany settles in your mind, you begin to sweat from nervousness.  Because while the small seaside village you live in is peaceful, there is little tolerance for outlandish ideas and theories like the ones that just rattled your brain.  If you were to tell others about them, the nobles and town leaders might interpret it as a direct threat to the cultural stability of the community, and the rest of the villagers would likely think you’re crazy.  You could be exiled!

You decide that you must handle your business as usual and leave the deep visions and epiphanies to the witch doctors and nomads who dwell in the forests on the outskirts of civilization.  These people have already decided that the world they grew up in doesn’t hold the answers they are looking for.  They are the ones who should convey these outlandish ideas to the world.  Because they have nothing to lose.  At least not as much as you do.

So, you don’t tell a soul about your epiphany.  Days roll into weeks.  Weeks roll into months.  And you imagine, each day, that you are better off for having kept it a secret.  But you are also aware that keeping this secret is eating away at you from the inside out.  You have distanced yourself from people and have been sleeping less and less.  Your mind won’t stop stirring.

Words of Wisdom

One night, after hours of stirring, you finally fall asleep and begin to dream.  You dream you’re sitting at round table in a dimly lit room.  There is a woman sitting across the table from you.  You can barely make out her face, but you can see her hair is silver and her skin is worn.  She seems old and wise.  And it feels like she can see right through to your soul.  But you also feel comforted because there is nothing to hide from her.  She already knows what you know.

“Do you know why you’re sitting here with me?” she asks in a low, soothing voice.

“I don’t know,” you reply.  “I guess I’m here because I have no one else I can talk to.”

She smiles and says, “You are here because you have something to say.  Something you know is of immense importance; it’s something that will change the world when you finally say it.  But, you are afraid to say it because you don’t think people are ready to hear it.”

You sit in silence with her for a moment.  Just staring into her eyes.  You feel an energy emanating from her heart and gently soothing yours.  Easing it of tension.  Letting it know that it can beat loudly and proudly at any pace it wants to without concern.  Because it’s safe here—a sanctuary devoid of judgment.  And all of the fear inside you slowly subsides.

You take a deep breath and say, “I am here because I had an epiphany in which I saw, clearly, that the earth is not flat.  It is a sphere that revolves around the sun as part of an eight planet solar system.  And there are other stars out there too, perhaps in other solar systems in what is likely a vast, uncharted universe.”

You pause for a moment, take two more deep breaths and continue, “I don’t know where this epiphany came from or why it came to me when it did.  But I’ve since done some preliminary tests and the results seem to prove my epiphany’s accuracy.  In fact, at this point I’m certain it’s accurate.  And I’m certain, also, that the people of this world aren’t ready for it.  I have already been punished for having this epiphany—for simply knowing what I know.  And I don’t want to be punished once more for conveying what I know to others.”

She smiles again.  And, as she smiles, you feel more comforted than you have since before you had your epiphany.  “In all walks of life, you will never know when the world is ready,” she says.  “You will only know when you are ready.  And you will know when you are simply because you will take action and do something about it.  And after you do something, you will know when there is more to do, because you will do more.”

Her words of wisdom are so clear, so simple.  But the real world, you recall, is far more twisted and convoluted.  In the real world, there are cultures and customs that have been around for generations that must be dealt with.

“The most important thing to remember,” she continues, “is that while it may feel like you are at the mercy of the world, you are not.  Because the world around you is merely a reflection of what’s inside you—your thoughts.  So what feels like an entire world that isn’t ready, isn’t really a world at all.  It’s just you.  And when you change, you will notice that the world outside has changed too.”

You Have Changed

Your eyes slowly open.  You sit up in bed and silently meditate over your dream.  After a few moments, you stand up and walk out the front door of your cabin to get some fresh air.  And as you stand there watching the sun rise over the village, you notice something is different.  The entire village seems brighter and more alive than you remember.  Has the village changed?  Have the people changed?  Or is it just you?  You aren’t sure.

What you are sure of is that you have fish to catch today.  And that you have something important to say.  And while you don’t know yet how you will say it, you are gradually growing more and more confident that you will know soon.  And by the time you realize you know, you will have already begun to say what you need to say.

And the world around you will have already begun to change.

Because you have changed.

Let’s Make a Change Today

Why did I just share that story with you?

Because doing so helps remind me.

And, I know you need a reminder sometimes too.

Sometimes we all need to be reminded of how our silence and inaction can become self-abuse.

You have to admit, to a certain extent, you have spent too much of your life tiptoeing around.  Trying to become quieter.  Smaller.  Less sensitive and intuitive.  Less “crazy.”  Less YOU.  Because you didn’t want to overwhelm people.  You wanted to make a good impression with them.  You wanted to fit in.  You wanted everyone to like you.  You wanted everything to be easy.  So, for too much of your life, you’ve sacrificed a part of yourself—a part of the truth—for the sake of not stepping out of line.  And for too much of your life, you’ve hurt yourself with your own silence and inaction.

But you’re tired of living this way, right?

Me too.

Let’s make a change today, together.

Questions…

I’d love to know what you think of this short essay.

What resonated?

What’s on your mind right now?

Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

A Good Girl (Who Didn’t Make It)

Alyssa was my best friend.  She was a talented musician, a graceful gymnast, a brilliant writer, and a deeply passionate human being.  She cared about people.  Love bled from every facet of her being.  When she spoke, her eyes were as sincere as her words.  And she always wanted to understand what was wrong so she could strive to make it better.

But Alyssa woke up one day during her senior year in college with a strange pain in her chest.  The on-campus doctors didn’t understand why, so they referred her to a specialist.  After several MRIs and blood tests, they determined that she had a rare, escalated case of Hodgkin’s lymphoma—a form of cancer.  She spent the next three years suffering through varying degrees of pain and sickness as multiple doctors treated her with radiation and chemotherapy.  And although these doctors were initially hopeful, Alyssa’s condition worsened, and she eventually succumbed to her cancer, dying on her 25th birthday.

A Bad Guy (Who Did)

Ethan was also my friend.  Although not as multi-talented as Alyssa, he was incredibly smart, particularly when it came to money and business tactics.  But sadly, he didn’t care about people one bit.  I eventually learned, just before ending our 10-year friendship, that he ripped people off for a living.  He primarily targeted elderly folks who had a relatively small life savings.  “They’re all suckers,” he told me.  And he felt no remorse because, he continued, “they’ll all be dead soon anyway.”

Today, at the age of 37, Ethan is a multi-millionaire.  And although we haven’t spoken in years, I’ve heard from others that he still hasn’t gotten into any legal trouble—largely, I think, because of the calculated legal threats I’ve heard he makes to anyone he suspects might have a good conscience.  I hear, also, that he doesn’t suffer from any major health problems, and that he, his complicit wife, and his two healthy sons live in a mansion somewhere in Los Angeles.

The Reason We Make Our Time Count

These are real stories, and yet they’re old stories—familiar stories.  The people and circumstances differ slightly for everyone who tells them, but the core lessons remain the same:  Life is short and it isn’t fair.  Bad things do happen to good people.  And good things do happen to bad people.

Tragically, these stories and lessons often fuel the excuses many of us use when we choose not to follow our hearts.  And they fuel the excuses many of us use when we choose to treat ourselves and each other without dignity and respect.  “Why care?” we argue, “when the Alyssa’s of the world suffer and die young while the Ethan’s of the world sip wine at five-star resorts well into their eighties.”

But for some of us, Alyssa and Ethan are the reason we do follow our hearts.  His story is the reason we live to make the world a little brighter, to make people a little happier.  And her story is the reason we use all of the strength we have right now.  Because we know we may not have the same strength tomorrow…

Because a world with no guarantees requires us to make the best of the precious little time we have left.

Notes to Self for Making YOUR Time Count

The key, Angel and I have discovered, is keeping the right thoughts and intentions at the top of our minds on a daily basis.  Over the past decade we’ve written various “notes to self” like the ones I’ve listed below (all of which are now excerpts from our NYT bestselling book), and then we’ve placed them where we can easily see and reference them (for example, several of our original notes are presently taped up over our desks in our home office).  These “notes to self” help us stay on track, by empowering us to make the best and most effective use of our time.

We’ve passed these notes on to our course students and live seminar attendees over the years, and many of them have thanked us for doing so.  We hope YOU find value in them today, too:

1.  Opportunity is only ever found in the present.

Some people wait all day for 5pm, all week for Friday, all year for the holidays, all their lives for happiness and peace.  Don’t be one of them.  Life is too short.  Time is running out.  Don’t wait until your life is almost over to realize how good it has been.  The secret to happiness and peace is letting this moment be what it is, instead of what you think it should be, and then making the very best of it.

If you don’t allow yourself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, you will look at your present and future through that same dirty lens and nothing will be able to focus your foggy judgment.  Realize this.  What you do now matters more than what happened yesterday.

2.  Your entire life can be customized from day to day.

There are hundreds of people in every town on Earth who live their entire lives on the default settings, never realizing they can customize everything.  Don’t be one of them.  Don’t settle for the default settings in life.

Find your loves, your talents, your passions, and embrace them.  Don’t hide behind other people’s decisions.  Don’t let others tell you what you want, or what you are capable of.  Explore the unknown!  Test the limits!  Design YOUR journey every step of the way.  The life you create from doing something that moves and excites you is far better than the life you get from sitting around wishing you were doing it.

3.  The willingness to do hard things makes life worth living.

If you want a job, be ready to work.  If you want a relationship, be ready to work.  If you want a family, be ready to work.  If you want happiness, be ready… To learn and earn and give and grow, NOT just want and have and take and show.

Truth be told, one of the most important abilities you can develop in life is the willingness to accept and grow through life’s challenges and discomforts.  Because the best things are often hard to come by, at least initially.  And if you shy away from hard work and discomfort, you’ll miss out on them entirely.  Mastering a new skill is hard.  Building a business is hard.  Writing a book is hard.  A marriage is hard.  Friendship is hard.  Parenting is hard.  Staying healthy is hard.  But all are amazing and worth every bit of effort you can muster.

4.  Daily kindness is a beautiful legacy to leave behind.

Some people will be kind to you.  Some won’t.  Be kind anyway.

Through kindness you have the ability to make a profound difference in every life you touch, including your own.  When you guide somebody who is lost and confused, when you hold somebody who is sad and grieving, when you hug somebody who has lost all their hope, you too will feel yourself healing and growing stronger.

So just keep reminding yourself that you will end up terribly disappointed if you expect people will always do for you as you do for them.  Not everyone has the same heart, strength and inner resolve as you.  No matter what has happened, or what happens today, let kindness be your superpower.  Being extra kind to people is a peaceful way to live in each moment, and a beautiful legacy to leave behind in the long run.

5.  Everything will change again, faster and sooner than expected.

Nothing lasts.  Everything changes.  Day to day is a winding journey.

As human beings we are constantly outgrowing what we once thought we couldn’t live without, and falling in love with what we didn’t even know we wanted.  Life literally keeps leading us on journeys we would never go on if it were up to us.  Don’t be afraid.  Have faith.  Find the lessons.  Trust the journey.

You will gradually learn that nobody gets too far without losing somebody they love, something they need, or something they thought was meant to be.  But it is these very losses that make us stronger and eventually move us toward future opportunities.  Embrace these opportunities.  Enter new relationships and new situations, knowing that you are venturing into unfamiliar territory.  Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to experience something or meet somebody that just might change your life forever.

Afterthoughts & Questions…

Although it still hurts sometimes, it’s also inspiring to think that, a whole decade after her passing, fond memories of my friend Alyssa continue to guide many of the decisions Angel and I make on a daily basis.  And Alyssa is not our only source of inspiration.  Over the years Angel and I have lost several key figures in our lives too soon to death, including Angel’s brother Todd and our mutual best friend Josh.  Every single word we write on this blog and in our books, every single live event we host, and every coaching session we hold with a student, is done with these people, and the “notes to self” they’ve inspired, in mind.

And, I’m sure you can relate in some way…

To a greater or lesser extent, we all know deep down that life is short, and that our mortality—our inevitable demise—will catch up to each and every one of us eventually.  And yet we are infinitely surprised when it catches up to somebody we know.  It’s like walking up a long flight of stairs with a distracted mind and miscalculating the final step.  You expected there to be one more stair than there is, but there isn’t, and so you find yourself off balance, tripping over yourself for a while, until your mind shifts back to the present moment and the reality of how life really is.

Let’s take a deep breath right now and take this to heart.

Let’s make the best of the precious little time we have left, together.

. . .

And if you’re feeling up to it, I’d love to know what you think of this short essay.

What resonated?

What’s on your mind right now?

Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
– Albert Einstein

Never Forgive Him

She showed up at my front door before work at 7am this morning with the most troubled, despondent expression on her face (which is not typical of her disposition).  “I’m sorry I didn’t call,” she said.  “But I haven’t slept all night, and I really need to talk to someone.  I just need some advice.”

I invited her in and poured her a cup of coffee.  “So, what’s on your mind?” I asked.

“Last night my husband told me something about his college years that he never told me before,” she said in a shaky voice.  “And I completely disagree with his actions.  It’s horrible, really… and I just can’t stop thinking about it!  I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive him.”

“Well, before you tell me anything else, let me ask you this: Why do you think your husband confided in you?  I mean, why do you think he told you, now?”

“I don’t know,” she replied.  “I guess he finally trusted me enough to tell me.”

“Did he commit a crime?”  I asked.

“No.”

“Was anyone physically or emotionally hurt by his actions?”

“No, not really.”

“So, how do you feel about him right now?  Do you still love him?”

“Of course I do,” she replied.

“And whatever he did back in college, do you think he learned his lesson?  Or do you think he would do it again?”

“Oh, I’m fairly certain he learned a big lesson,” she replied.  “He actually teared up about it when he told me—he said he’s still ashamed of himself.”

“Okay, so let me get this straight then… Last night your husband finally felt that he trusted you enough to tell you about a dark secret from his college years.  And although somewhat unsettling, he didn’t hurt anyone, and you think he learned his lesson, which means he grew emotionally from the experience.  And to top it off, you’re still completely in love with him.  So, what exactly can you never forgive him for?”

She sat in silence for a few seconds, made a crooked half smile, and then shook her head.  I mimicked her facial expressions and shook my head back at her.

Then she started laughing.  And so did I.

More About Us, Less About Them

Sometimes the problems we have with others—our spouse, parents, siblings, etc.—don’t really have much to do with them at all, because these problems are actually about us.

And that’s okay.  It simply means these little predicaments will be easier to solve.   We are, after all, in charge of our own decisions.  We get to decide whether we want to keep our head cluttered with events from the past, or instead open our minds to the positive realities unfolding in front of us.

All we need is the willingness to look at things a little differently—letting go of “what happened” and “what should never have been,” and instead focusing our energy on “what is” and “what could be possible.”

Because, as my friend discovered this morning, sometimes the only problem standing in our way is the one we created in our head.

Does anything really need to be forgiven here?

That’s a question I challenge you to ask yourself first, whenever you feel like my friend felt when she arrived at my doorstep this morning.  It’s a simple question that can provide a necessary dose of perspective when your emotions are surging.  And, it’s a practice Marc and I often discuss with our course students and live event attendees when forgiveness is at stake in their personal relationships.

The bottom line is that letting go of the need to forgive every misstep and mistake a person makes can be mentally and emotionally freeing for everyone involved.

Truly, there is an obvious shift in our hearts and minds that happens when we go from feeling hurt and upset to peaceful and loving, but it’s not necessarily forgiveness that’s taking place, it’s just the realization that there was nothing to forgive in the first place.  Because mistakes are the growing pains of wisdom, and sometimes they just need to be accepted with no strings attached.

To help you wrap your head around this concept, try to look at your situation from a distance.  Imagine a more seasoned, wiser and more compassionate version of yourself sitting at the mountaintop of life, looking down and watching as the younger-minded, present version of you stumbles your way through life.

You see yourself holding on to false beliefs and making obvious errors of judgment as you maneuver through life’s many obstacles.  You watch the children of the world growing up in challenging times that test their sense of self-confidence, yet they push forward bravely.  You see the coming generation radiating with passion and love as they fail forward, learning through their mistakes.

And you have to wonder:  Would this wiser version of yourself conclude that almost everyone in their own unique way was doing their very best?  And if everyone is trying to do their best, what really needs to be forgiven?  Not being perfect?

Obviously, there is NOT a one-size-fits-all answer to anything in life, and forgiveness is no exception.  Some situations are far more complicated than others.  But in any case, let’s do our best to challenge our minds with a necessary dose of perspective whenever our emotions are surging.  Let’s learn from our mistakes, and let others learn from theirs.  Let’s embrace our imperfections, and let others embrace theirs…

And, let’s begin again, together, with a little more acceptance, compassion, and peace of mind.

Afterthoughts & Questions…

As I’m wrapping up this short essay, I’m reminded of a quote Marc wrote in our New York Times bestselling book:

“Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you made, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that hurt others and yourself.  Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless.  These are all vital lessons.  And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.”

Don’t you just love that compassionate sentiment?  I sincerely wish such compassion for myself and for everyone else.

. . .

And finally, I’d love to know what YOU think of this essay.

Did it resonate with you?

What’s on your mind right now?

Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

How long has it been since you’ve had a tough decision to make at work? I bet it happens regularly, if it is not on a daily basis. Sure, making decisions can be exhilarating, but it can also be draining. Sometimes dreadful.

Your pulse accelerates, you start to sweat, your mind jumps from one point to the next, hoping to settle on something. You really want to make the right decision for you, for your team, for your organization. But often times, it can be a tough call. You wish you had the perfect step-by-step recipe to get to the right decision.

Well, in fact, decision-making is quite a complex process for everyone. So much that it is a very popular topic in management research.

For decades, academics have observed and interviewed successful senior leaders to understand and model the thought process that take them to the right decision. These studies resulted in the inescapable rational process. Which we are all very aware of.But what if there was a better way to make decisions that doesn’t just rely on rational thinking?

The problem with rational thinking

We are trained from an early age to develop our rational abilities. We are taught to systematically gather the relevant data, to analyze it, to design options and evaluate them, until we make the final decision. It is as a slow process requiring conscious and sustained effort. Our rational thinking make progress step by step and draws a logical conclusion. And that’s great. Indispensable.

I couldn’t agree more. I hold a Bachelor of Mathematics, and a scientific Master’s degree in Management. My natural preference is rational thinking. However, I must admit that rational thinking can be wrong. Or jammed, unable to decide.

I mean, do you always have enough time to gather data, analyze, evaluate options and decide? Do you always have all the data that is necessary? Does it sometimes happen, on the contrary, that you have so much data that it is overwhelming and you can no longer distinguish the forest from the trees? What if there was another way?

Rational thinking is not your only option

Senior leaders realize, and researchers have found out, that all decisions are not, or are not only, based on rational thinking. Decision-making also leverages … intuitive thinking. Smart leaders consider their intuitions — in addition to their rational analysis — when making decisions.

And the truth is, leaders consider their intuitions — in addition to their rational analysis — when making decisions:

“90% of the 60 leaders who participated in a study reported using their intuition in combination with rational data analysis. They found that their decisions were accelerated, and were better.” (Burke, Miller, 1999)

“Managers at the top of every [of the 2000] organizations surveyed scored higher than middle or lower-level managers on their ability to use their intuition to guide their key decisions.” (Agor, 1986)

This is a well-kept secret, isn’t it? I bet you rarely hear someone at work trying to convince you that this decision is better because his instinct says so. We would rather emphasize the extensive research and analysis we have done to give credibility to our decision.

However, it doesn’t mean that intuition is not instrumental to the process. So, let me explain what intuition is, exactly.

Neuroscience understands that the human brain thinks in two different ways. There’s the rational process, as described above, and the intuitive process. The latter is not esoteric, magical, nor is it about a premonition.

Intuitions are the conclusions that spontaneously raise to your consciousness, without you being aware of the intermediate stages — although it is often possible to justify your intuition after the fact.

Imagine meeting someone for the first time. Within a blink of the eye, you have an opinion of the person. That’s an intuition. And, contrarily to reason, intuition is incredibly fast. Intuitions are conveyed to your consciousness by your emotions. The first thing that comes to mind is the feelings you have for this person. You like or dislike, you trust or you don’t.

Rather than dissecting information, the intuitive process of the brain makes connections almost instantaneously based on your experiences. By analogy and association, it synthesizes and jumps to conclusions. Beneath the surface, when you meet this person for the first time, your brain finds similarities with people you’ve known in the past, and concludes.

Intuition is thus essentially based on the knowledge accumulated through your experiences, all too often forgotten, and on the models of the world that you have created for yourself, of which you are often not aware of. You may or may not realize that this person in front of you reminds you of the type of people you don’t trust, as an example.

In fact, because it is spontaneous and effortless, intuition is the way of thinking that drives the majority of the decisions you make in a day. If the stakes are not high, intuition will prevail, it is so much easier and efficient. Whether you are conscious of it or not. Whether you like it or not.

Here are a few examples:

• You slow down your car in traffic, because you instinctively understand that the car on the other lane is trying to cut you off.
• You pick clothes in your closet that feel comfortable if you don’t have an official meeting today. You don’t need to rationally think over your choice.
• You accept an invitation without hesitation because it feels exciting and you have time. No need for some complex thinking here either.

Does that mean you should always listen to your intuition?

Now, is this to say that your intuition is always right? Sorry, it is not the case. The quality of your intuitions depends on the quality of the knowledge you hold, and thus of your learning.

In fact, as you are getting experienced in your job, as you face numerous situations and overcome challenges, you develop mental models on the appropriate ways to react. That’s called expert intuition. It explains why senior people can make decision swiftly, without hesitation, and without a long rational process.

Your expertise may not only be related to your job. You can also be an expert in human relations, for example. If you have always been fascinated by people, and an avid observer of good and not-so-good interactions, you may intuitively know how to react with difficult people or situations.

However, a word of caution. Intuition can also tap into your biases and your fears. In those occasions, intuition could be wrong, and it is really difficult to tell when this happens. Intuitions, at the end of the day, are no more no less than assumptions. That’s why engaging both rational thinking and intuitive thinking is so important.

How smart people use intuition to make the best decisions

Let’s say you are in a restaurant. You read the menu, and choose one food rather than another according to how you feel about it. It is then your intuitive process that intervenes, without real awareness of what leads you to that choice.

That being said, if you are following a particular diet, you may rule out your initial choice. You can be the impartial observer of your feelings. You can decide to slow down for a second and have your rational thinking intervene to choose more proper food for you. You have a veto power over your intuitions.

The same holds true for decisions made in a professional context, even for the most rational of us. You have intuitions, and you have rational thoughts.

Let me ask you a question: When you have a decision to make, how would you describe your typical thought process?

1. You spontaneously have a feeling of what the right decision is, and then you engage your rational thinking to confirm whether or not your intuition is right. That is called strategic intuition.
2. You first collect data, you analyze it, you evaluate your options, you make a rational decision and then you stop for a moment to perceive how you feel about the decision. That’s called conclusive intuition.

Strategic intuition and conclusive intuition are both efficient. But it speaks to your natural preference, and to the level of experience you hold. The more experience, the more mental models you developed over time, and the easiest it is for your brain to make connections and associations, and thus generate intuitions.

In both instances, integrating intuition and reason increases dramatically the potential for you to make the right decision.

Intuition is really an assumption your brain makes based on your experience. Relying solely on your intuition could be risky, unless you don’t have the time to analyze the situation rationally — for example, in the middle of a heated discussion, or a particularly stressful situation.

Depending solely on your reason is also suboptimal. Your brain has the capacity to detect information beneath the surface which could have a crucial impact on your decision. Ignoring it could lead you to the wrong conclusion.

The more you navigate between the two processes, the more knowledge you tap into, the better the decisions, and the more you can adapt to circumstances. You can decide how much you rely on one or the other — or both. It is a matter of choice, and practice.

Make the best use of your brain’s powers to make smart decisions

Imagine that going forward, you listen to the little voice inside of you, in addition to proceeding systematically, rationally.

Imagine that going forward, you navigate between your reason and your intuition. You dig deeper into your feelings, the voice of your intuition, and challenge your reason. Similarly, you observe impartially feelings that arise, take a step back, and apply your veto if you know better.

Navigating between your reason and your intuition, you tap into the knowledge you are aware of at a conscious level, and also into the wisdom you hold beneath the surface. Chances are that you will make better informed decisions, even if time is short, data is insufficient, or contradictory.

As a senior leader once told me:This will make the difference between a potential of success, and an assured failure.

References:

This article is based on the research I performed for my Master’s thesis (2017). The full bibliography includes over 100 articles and books, of which:

BURKE, Lisa A., MILLER, Monica K., Taking the mystery out of intuitive decision-making Academy of Management Executive, Vol. 13, №4, p. 91–98, New York, Academy of Management, 1999

AGOR, Weston H., The Logic of Intuition: How Top Executives Make Important Decisions, Organizational Dynamics, Vol. 14, №3, p. 5–18, Amsterdam, Elsevier, 1986

How long has it been since you’ve had a tough decision to make at work? I bet it happens regularly, if it is not on a daily basis. Sure, making decisions can be exhilarating, but it can also be draining. Sometimes dreadful.

Your pulse accelerates, you start to sweat, your mind jumps from one point to the next, hoping to settle on something. You really want to make the right decision for you, for your team, for your organization. But often times, it can be a tough call. You wish you had the perfect step-by-step recipe to get to the right decision.

Well, in fact, decision-making is quite a complex process for everyone. So much that it is a very popular topic in management research.

For decades, academics have observed and interviewed successful senior leaders to understand and model the thought process that take them to the right decision. These studies resulted in the inescapable rational process. Which we are all very aware of.But what if there was a better way to make decisions that doesn’t just rely on rational thinking?

The problem with rational thinking

We are trained from an early age to develop our rational abilities. We are taught to systematically gather the relevant data, to analyze it, to design options and evaluate them, until we make the final decision. It is as a slow process requiring conscious and sustained effort. Our rational thinking make progress step by step and draws a logical conclusion. And that’s great. Indispensable.

I couldn’t agree more. I hold a Bachelor of Mathematics, and a scientific Master’s degree in Management. My natural preference is rational thinking. However, I must admit that rational thinking can be wrong. Or jammed, unable to decide.

I mean, do you always have enough time to gather data, analyze, evaluate options and decide? Do you always have all the data that is necessary? Does it sometimes happen, on the contrary, that you have so much data that it is overwhelming and you can no longer distinguish the forest from the trees? What if there was another way?

Rational thinking is not your only option

Senior leaders realize, and researchers have found out, that all decisions are not, or are not only, based on rational thinking. Decision-making also leverages … intuitive thinking. Smart leaders consider their intuitions — in addition to their rational analysis — when making decisions.

And the truth is, leaders consider their intuitions — in addition to their rational analysis — when making decisions:

“90% of the 60 leaders who participated in a study reported using their intuition in combination with rational data analysis. They found that their decisions were accelerated, and were better.” (Burke, Miller, 1999)

“Managers at the top of every [of the 2000] organizations surveyed scored higher than middle or lower-level managers on their ability to use their intuition to guide their key decisions.” (Agor, 1986)

This is a well-kept secret, isn’t it? I bet you rarely hear someone at work trying to convince you that this decision is better because his instinct says so. We would rather emphasize the extensive research and analysis we have done to give credibility to our decision.

However, it doesn’t mean that intuition is not instrumental to the process. So, let me explain what intuition is, exactly.

Neuroscience understands that the human brain thinks in two different ways. There’s the rational process, as described above, and the intuitive process. The latter is not esoteric, magical, nor is it about a premonition.

Intuitions are the conclusions that spontaneously raise to your consciousness, without you being aware of the intermediate stages — although it is often possible to justify your intuition after the fact.

Imagine meeting someone for the first time. Within a blink of the eye, you have an opinion of the person. That’s an intuition. And, contrarily to reason, intuition is incredibly fast. Intuitions are conveyed to your consciousness by your emotions. The first thing that comes to mind is the feelings you have for this person. You like or dislike, you trust or you don’t.

Rather than dissecting information, the intuitive process of the brain makes connections almost instantaneously based on your experiences. By analogy and association, it synthesizes and jumps to conclusions. Beneath the surface, when you meet this person for the first time, your brain finds similarities with people you’ve known in the past, and concludes.

Intuition is thus essentially based on the knowledge accumulated through your experiences, all too often forgotten, and on the models of the world that you have created for yourself, of which you are often not aware of. You may or may not realize that this person in front of you reminds you of the type of people you don’t trust, as an example.

In fact, because it is spontaneous and effortless, intuition is the way of thinking that drives the majority of the decisions you make in a day. If the stakes are not high, intuition will prevail, it is so much easier and efficient. Whether you are conscious of it or not. Whether you like it or not.

Here are a few examples:

• You slow down your car in traffic, because you instinctively understand that the car on the other lane is trying to cut you off.
• You pick clothes in your closet that feel comfortable if you don’t have an official meeting today. You don’t need to rationally think over your choice.
• You accept an invitation without hesitation because it feels exciting and you have time. No need for some complex thinking here either.

Does that mean you should always listen to your intuition?

Now, is this to say that your intuition is always right? Sorry, it is not the case. The quality of your intuitions depends on the quality of the knowledge you hold, and thus of your learning.

In fact, as you are getting experienced in your job, as you face numerous situations and overcome challenges, you develop mental models on the appropriate ways to react. That’s called expert intuition. It explains why senior people can make decision swiftly, without hesitation, and without a long rational process.

Your expertise may not only be related to your job. You can also be an expert in human relations, for example. If you have always been fascinated by people, and an avid observer of good and not-so-good interactions, you may intuitively know how to react with difficult people or situations.

However, a word of caution. Intuition can also tap into your biases and your fears. In those occasions, intuition could be wrong, and it is really difficult to tell when this happens. Intuitions, at the end of the day, are no more no less than assumptions. That’s why engaging both rational thinking and intuitive thinking is so important.

How smart people use intuition to make the best decisions

Let’s say you are in a restaurant. You read the menu, and choose one food rather than another according to how you feel about it. It is then your intuitive process that intervenes, without real awareness of what leads you to that choice.

That being said, if you are following a particular diet, you may rule out your initial choice. You can be the impartial observer of your feelings. You can decide to slow down for a second and have your rational thinking intervene to choose more proper food for you. You have a veto power over your intuitions.

The same holds true for decisions made in a professional context, even for the most rational of us. You have intuitions, and you have rational thoughts.

Let me ask you a question: When you have a decision to make, how would you describe your typical thought process?

1. You spontaneously have a feeling of what the right decision is, and then you engage your rational thinking to confirm whether or not your intuition is right. That is called strategic intuition.
2. You first collect data, you analyze it, you evaluate your options, you make a rational decision and then you stop for a moment to perceive how you feel about the decision. That’s called conclusive intuition.

Strategic intuition and conclusive intuition are both efficient. But it speaks to your natural preference, and to the level of experience you hold. The more experience, the more mental models you developed over time, and the easiest it is for your brain to make connections and associations, and thus generate intuitions.

In both instances, integrating intuition and reason increases dramatically the potential for you to make the right decision.

Intuition is really an assumption your brain makes based on your experience. Relying solely on your intuition could be risky, unless you don’t have the time to analyze the situation rationally — for example, in the middle of a heated discussion, or a particularly stressful situation.

Depending solely on your reason is also suboptimal. Your brain has the capacity to detect information beneath the surface which could have a crucial impact on your decision. Ignoring it could lead you to the wrong conclusion.

The more you navigate between the two processes, the more knowledge you tap into, the better the decisions, and the more you can adapt to circumstances. You can decide how much you rely on one or the other — or both. It is a matter of choice, and practice.

Make the best use of your brain’s powers to make smart decisions

Imagine that going forward, you listen to the little voice inside of you, in addition to proceeding systematically, rationally.

Imagine that going forward, you navigate between your reason and your intuition. You dig deeper into your feelings, the voice of your intuition, and challenge your reason. Similarly, you observe impartially feelings that arise, take a step back, and apply your veto if you know better.

Navigating between your reason and your intuition, you tap into the knowledge you are aware of at a conscious level, and also into the wisdom you hold beneath the surface. Chances are that you will make better informed decisions, even if time is short, data is insufficient, or contradictory.

As a senior leader once told me:This will make the difference between a potential of success, and an assured failure.

References:

This article is based on the research I performed for my Master’s thesis (2017). The full bibliography includes over 100 articles and books, of which:

BURKE, Lisa A., MILLER, Monica K., Taking the mystery out of intuitive decision-making Academy of Management Executive, Vol. 13, №4, p. 91–98, New York, Academy of Management, 1999

AGOR, Weston H., The Logic of Intuition: How Top Executives Make Important Decisions, Organizational Dynamics, Vol. 14, №3, p. 5–18, Amsterdam, Elsevier, 1986

How long has it been since you’ve had a tough decision to make at work? I bet it happens regularly, if it is not on a daily basis. Sure, making decisions can be exhilarating, but it can also be draining. Sometimes dreadful.

Your pulse accelerates, you start to sweat, your mind jumps from one point to the next, hoping to settle on something. You really want to make the right decision for you, for your team, for your organization. But often times, it can be a tough call. You wish you had the perfect step-by-step recipe to get to the right decision.

Well, in fact, decision-making is quite a complex process for everyone. So much that it is a very popular topic in management research.

For decades, academics have observed and interviewed successful senior leaders to understand and model the thought process that take them to the right decision. These studies resulted in the inescapable rational process. Which we are all very aware of.But what if there was a better way to make decisions that doesn’t just rely on rational thinking?

The problem with rational thinking

We are trained from an early age to develop our rational abilities. We are taught to systematically gather the relevant data, to analyze it, to design options and evaluate them, until we make the final decision. It is as a slow process requiring conscious and sustained effort. Our rational thinking make progress step by step and draws a logical conclusion. And that’s great. Indispensable.

I couldn’t agree more. I hold a Bachelor of Mathematics, and a scientific Master’s degree in Management. My natural preference is rational thinking. However, I must admit that rational thinking can be wrong. Or jammed, unable to decide.

I mean, do you always have enough time to gather data, analyze, evaluate options and decide? Do you always have all the data that is necessary? Does it sometimes happen, on the contrary, that you have so much data that it is overwhelming and you can no longer distinguish the forest from the trees? What if there was another way?

Rational thinking is not your only option

Senior leaders realize, and researchers have found out, that all decisions are not, or are not only, based on rational thinking. Decision-making also leverages … intuitive thinking. Smart leaders consider their intuitions — in addition to their rational analysis — when making decisions.

And the truth is, leaders consider their intuitions — in addition to their rational analysis — when making decisions:

“90% of the 60 leaders who participated in a study reported using their intuition in combination with rational data analysis. They found that their decisions were accelerated, and were better.” (Burke, Miller, 1999)

“Managers at the top of every [of the 2000] organizations surveyed scored higher than middle or lower-level managers on their ability to use their intuition to guide their key decisions.” (Agor, 1986)

This is a well-kept secret, isn’t it? I bet you rarely hear someone at work trying to convince you that this decision is better because his instinct says so. We would rather emphasize the extensive research and analysis we have done to give credibility to our decision.

However, it doesn’t mean that intuition is not instrumental to the process. So, let me explain what intuition is, exactly.

Neuroscience understands that the human brain thinks in two different ways. There’s the rational process, as described above, and the intuitive process. The latter is not esoteric, magical, nor is it about a premonition.

Intuitions are the conclusions that spontaneously raise to your consciousness, without you being aware of the intermediate stages — although it is often possible to justify your intuition after the fact.

Imagine meeting someone for the first time. Within a blink of the eye, you have an opinion of the person. That’s an intuition. And, contrarily to reason, intuition is incredibly fast. Intuitions are conveyed to your consciousness by your emotions. The first thing that comes to mind is the feelings you have for this person. You like or dislike, you trust or you don’t.

Rather than dissecting information, the intuitive process of the brain makes connections almost instantaneously based on your experiences. By analogy and association, it synthesizes and jumps to conclusions. Beneath the surface, when you meet this person for the first time, your brain finds similarities with people you’ve known in the past, and concludes.

Intuition is thus essentially based on the knowledge accumulated through your experiences, all too often forgotten, and on the models of the world that you have created for yourself, of which you are often not aware of. You may or may not realize that this person in front of you reminds you of the type of people you don’t trust, as an example.

In fact, because it is spontaneous and effortless, intuition is the way of thinking that drives the majority of the decisions you make in a day. If the stakes are not high, intuition will prevail, it is so much easier and efficient. Whether you are conscious of it or not. Whether you like it or not.

Here are a few examples:

• You slow down your car in traffic, because you instinctively understand that the car on the other lane is trying to cut you off.
• You pick clothes in your closet that feel comfortable if you don’t have an official meeting today. You don’t need to rationally think over your choice.
• You accept an invitation without hesitation because it feels exciting and you have time. No need for some complex thinking here either.

Does that mean you should always listen to your intuition?

Now, is this to say that your intuition is always right? Sorry, it is not the case. The quality of your intuitions depends on the quality of the knowledge you hold, and thus of your learning.

In fact, as you are getting experienced in your job, as you face numerous situations and overcome challenges, you develop mental models on the appropriate ways to react. That’s called expert intuition. It explains why senior people can make decision swiftly, without hesitation, and without a long rational process.

Your expertise may not only be related to your job. You can also be an expert in human relations, for example. If you have always been fascinated by people, and an avid observer of good and not-so-good interactions, you may intuitively know how to react with difficult people or situations.

However, a word of caution. Intuition can also tap into your biases and your fears. In those occasions, intuition could be wrong, and it is really difficult to tell when this happens. Intuitions, at the end of the day, are no more no less than assumptions. That’s why engaging both rational thinking and intuitive thinking is so important.

How smart people use intuition to make the best decisions

Let’s say you are in a restaurant. You read the menu, and choose one food rather than another according to how you feel about it. It is then your intuitive process that intervenes, without real awareness of what leads you to that choice.

That being said, if you are following a particular diet, you may rule out your initial choice. You can be the impartial observer of your feelings. You can decide to slow down for a second and have your rational thinking intervene to choose more proper food for you. You have a veto power over your intuitions.

The same holds true for decisions made in a professional context, even for the most rational of us. You have intuitions, and you have rational thoughts.

Let me ask you a question: When you have a decision to make, how would you describe your typical thought process?

1. You spontaneously have a feeling of what the right decision is, and then you engage your rational thinking to confirm whether or not your intuition is right. That is called strategic intuition.
2. You first collect data, you analyze it, you evaluate your options, you make a rational decision and then you stop for a moment to perceive how you feel about the decision. That’s called conclusive intuition.

Strategic intuition and conclusive intuition are both efficient. But it speaks to your natural preference, and to the level of experience you hold. The more experience, the more mental models you developed over time, and the easiest it is for your brain to make connections and associations, and thus generate intuitions.

In both instances, integrating intuition and reason increases dramatically the potential for you to make the right decision.

Intuition is really an assumption your brain makes based on your experience. Relying solely on your intuition could be risky, unless you don’t have the time to analyze the situation rationally — for example, in the middle of a heated discussion, or a particularly stressful situation.

Depending solely on your reason is also suboptimal. Your brain has the capacity to detect information beneath the surface which could have a crucial impact on your decision. Ignoring it could lead you to the wrong conclusion.

The more you navigate between the two processes, the more knowledge you tap into, the better the decisions, and the more you can adapt to circumstances. You can decide how much you rely on one or the other — or both. It is a matter of choice, and practice.

Make the best use of your brain’s powers to make smart decisions

Imagine that going forward, you listen to the little voice inside of you, in addition to proceeding systematically, rationally.

Imagine that going forward, you navigate between your reason and your intuition. You dig deeper into your feelings, the voice of your intuition, and challenge your reason. Similarly, you observe impartially feelings that arise, take a step back, and apply your veto if you know better.

Navigating between your reason and your intuition, you tap into the knowledge you are aware of at a conscious level, and also into the wisdom you hold beneath the surface. Chances are that you will make better informed decisions, even if time is short, data is insufficient, or contradictory.

As a senior leader once told me:This will make the difference between a potential of success, and an assured failure.

References:

This article is based on the research I performed for my Master’s thesis (2017). The full bibliography includes over 100 articles and books, of which:

BURKE, Lisa A., MILLER, Monica K., Taking the mystery out of intuitive decision-making Academy of Management Executive, Vol. 13, №4, p. 91–98, New York, Academy of Management, 1999

AGOR, Weston H., The Logic of Intuition: How Top Executives Make Important Decisions, Organizational Dynamics, Vol. 14, №3, p. 5–18, Amsterdam, Elsevier, 1986